Not sure what to do now

[emotionalgutpunch]

I've name changed for this as I'm not sure if it's identifying. And sorry it's really long...

So for background, my DP and I have been going through a rough patch, not arguing or anything, but just not engaging with one another and basically avoiding each other. I'm pregnant and I've had horrible nausea which has been really quite debilitating for about 4 weeks now, I'm signed off work and I'm struggling. The struggle isn't helped by the fact that I am vomit phobic which has in the past made life very difficult with the resulting anxiety battle. I have been, for years now, fully on top of my anxiety and take a small dose of medication. This was discussed at length with my dr and midwife, both feel that this is fine for my pregnancy.

DP is struggling with the fact that I'm largely out of action, at the moment I'm focussed on getting through the day and this doesn't often include room for going out because I feel constantly sick and it's exhausting. I've accepted the fact that this won't last forever, it's just for this first bit. DP says my morning sickness is boring and in fact, as of last night, my whole pregnancy is boring.

He has two children from a previous relationship and they are with us on the weekends. We have a very stable family life and routine for the kids on the weekends and I muck in and do my share, the kids like me, we have a good relationship.

Last night, he came home with the kids in a funny mood (he maintains this is a lie), he goes to start dinner, kids go upstairs, I'm in the lounge. Kids start fighting, one starts crying. DP is up to his elbows in raw chicken so I go upstairs to referee (not unusual, to be honest it's usually me). Get the measure of the situation and sort it. Panic over, I go to go back downstairs and DP is standing at the bottom and starts telling me to leave them alone and stop shouting at them - I didn't raise my voice at all - and that he can't deal with it because he's 'stuck making dinner'. I tell him it's fine, I dealt with it, didn't shout, told him what happened, DP was not satisfied with this and thinks I just went up there to have a go. I walk away so as not to cause an argument. Same again at dinner, he starts telling me off for telling the children to sit down and wait for their afters instead of running around the kitchen like lunatics, no different to anything I would have said any other day in the same situation. So again I walk away.

Later in the evening he comes into the lounge and I get 'what's wrong with you?' And I tell him, nothing, but you've had a funny attitude towards me and the kids this evening and I don't appreciate you telling me off for normal things in front of the children. And then comes the argument, he tells me I'm a lunatic and he can't live like this anymore, that my anxiety is out of control and I'm crazy. I try to explain that my anxiety is fine and managed, I'm struggling with morning sickness and he is being very rude and mean. He strops out of the room, comes back 5 minutes later, still going on about my anxiety ruining his life and how I do nothing. He has a problem with the fact I'm on medication which far predates this pregnancy and he has a horrible habit of telling everyone about it, which is not his place, he did it this week so during the conversation I say to him 'it's not your place or your business to tell people about my medication, if I need to tell them I will' and then he explodes.

And this is the bit that really got me, the rest I can deal with. He stands up and shouts at me something along the lines of 'not my business?! You killed our last two babies because of your anxiety and now your going to go ahead and kill this one!' To which I looked shocked and disgusted and he continued 'go ahead and run to mummy and tell her' and flounced out of the room.

I've had two miscarriages in the past year. Neither of which had anything to do with my anxiety. One was a blighted ovum and the other a MMC which was put down to chromosomal abnormality.

But he carried on to tell me that all the drs have told him that it was my anxiety that did it. Which is utter utter crap. Needless to say I was devastated last night, I struggled to come to terms with the MMC and blamed myself for months, he knows this.

And today, he's acting as though nothing is wrong and I'm unreasonable for not wanting him anywhere near me. We were supposed to go to a family birthday this afternoon but I have no intention of going now, I'm thinking of going to stay with my parents. Not that I can tell them why because they'd be so angry.

So now I'm pregnant, hopefully, if I haven't 'killed this one too' and can't stand the sight of the father. What a mess. Anyone have any idea where I go from here?

My ex was abusive throughout my pregnancy it got worse after I had the baby. I would leave and make a first start. I wonder if this is why his ex left him for similar behaviour.

What a gaslighting bastard.

This was my ex husbands go to tactic.
It's designed to make you doubt yourself. It also completely smashes your feelings as you start to believe your being unreasonable all the time.

I've had hundreds of threads on here for such stupid shit to check I'm not being unreasonable over stuff like, not offering him a cup of tea when he had just made himself one and not me cos he would turn it onto me.

He's shifting all the blame to you and absolving himself.

The scary part is they start to believe their own rhetoric. Just don't engage any longer. Stay out of his way. Or go numb.
I went numb in the end. Just 'ok' to everything and became mentally unavailable. It was the only way I could cope in the end.

for you.
This is the worst kind of behaviour. It's destructive.

If you don't feel well enough to drive would your parents come and fetch you? Is that possible next week when he's at work?

Please don't let him know you're thinking about it though.

Agree with Nanny, don't tell him.
Don't confide in him anymore.

Even if you think you just need a break, don't tell him.

Find your strength here instead.
Mumsnet got me out of my abusive marriage. If it weren't for Mumsnet I think I'd still be there.
I've even had police recommending it as a source of advice and support!!

Unfortunately abusive men often seem to show their true colours first when their partner gets pregnant.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, but it's very unlikely to get any better. He's abusive. His mind is twisted, he's not a nice person and isn't about to start being one. In fact this could be a very dangerous situation.

You know that advice people give about breaking up and explaining face to face being the right thing to do? Well that only applies to decent people. If he's being abusive to you (and he is) it's perfectly acceptable to just leave when he's not there and let him know once you've gone.

Please take good care of yourself and I second the hope that you have a very boring pregnancy!

And yes to perhaps secret arrangements to leave.

"DP says my morning sickness is boring and in fact, as of last night, my whole pregnancy is boring. "
... Aw the poor babby; not having constant excitement/happiness and having to tolerate something (relatively minor) in his partner.

"Kids start fighting, one starts crying. DP is up to his elbows in raw chicken so I go upstairs to referee (not unusual, to be honest it's usually me). " Why is it usually you when they're his kids ... cause he's a selfish, irresponsible child himself?Am I right in thinking this is your 1st/only child; your life will be so much easier with just the two of you.Feel sorry for his kids, but they have their mother (?) As another poster said, now you know why their relationship broke down.

"You killed our last two babies because of your anxiety and now your going to go ahead and kill this one!"
Even if the miscarriages were thought to be due to anxiety and not clearly due to other factors .... this is just beyond the pale. He is not sane.

I hope your ok OP.

If you have had a change of mind, and found it's easier to sweep it under the rug then leave him, please please know that I did that many many many times. I started countless threads and umpteen name changes cos I felt so stupid each time and to embarrassed to reply anymore.
It's ok, to post again.
To change names and post again. Like new.

Please do so. Don't think that bridge has been burned. Mumsnet is always here

What was he like prior to the miscarriages (if you dont mind me asking)? Is this new behaviour? Could the miscarriages affected him far more than he has let on?

If this is part of a trend then you need to leave.

There is a difference between not remembering saying something and denying that it was said. I once had a partner who had some mental health difficulties and it was hard sometimes - when we rowed I didnt remember much of the row but my partner did and said I said some things I am not proud of. I dont doubt I said them as this person has never lied to me (and is my best friend now) so I said sorry at the time. But he sounds different to that and is blaming you for a lot. I would leave to be honest.

The things he's said to you are vile OP. These sound like huge red flags. No decent man would even think these things, let alone say them after what you've been though losing your babies. If he can stoop that low he's only going to get worse. I have past experience of a man like that (although he smashed stuff up in rage too). I'm so sorry.

Hope you made it out OP

It is possible, and I say this loosely, for someone to say things in anger and not remember them later. But it doesn't make it okay - he still said it to you, whether because he believes it or just because he wanted to hurt you, he's still horrible.