Would you be moody about it?

[cuddlebug]

Hi all. Just trying to keep it short ! My hubby has left me overnight a couple of times where I am looking after our baby while he goes and visits / stays at his friend for the night, having drinks and "talking". Well tonight he has asked if he can come here and stay for the night (drink & talk) because he has moved into a shared accommodation where the live in landlord wont allow anyone to stay.. the only issue I have is that they are loud when they drink and talk and because I live in a flat I don't want people complaining because it is in my name. this means I have to look after my son on my own.. again for the third time. I understand there are single mums and they do it themselves but whenever I say well i am gonna go out cos its my turn, he gets the hump so I dont bother! I am being unreasonable aren't I? I feel awful cos he has a life outside of family but then again so do I...!! I was thinking of suggesting a hotel but that is so expensive around here approx £70 a night!!

3rd time in how long?

Sorry Whisky it has been twice since October, & this will be the third time. I have never left overnight or went out to "enjoy" myself so to speak

Tell him his live in landlord also has the same policy.

[AKA you].

Incidentally:
A Red Flag of abuse is to behave so badly when your partner wants to do their own thing that they don't bother...it is part of the training that abusers 'do' to get you to do what they want you to do.

is this like a once a month gathering of the male species .... ?

Personally, I'd look at it he's there for some support (even if it's just his presence) and you're then not alone

Just ask them to keep the noise down because of the baby - they'll understand

Firstly everyone is 'allowed' to enjoy themselves - you, him or anyone else for that matter. Going out three times in almost five months is not a big deal, nor should it be if you want to do the same. Being a nuisance at the flat though is a big no. They should go out for drinks then each go home. Thats the compromise I would insist on.

Also, can I assume you aren't living together?

Once a month isn't unreasonable, assuming they can find a different venue of course, or make it a more normal pub night (you can talk in pubs!) but it is unreasonable for him to close down your plans.

Make sure you arrange a night out with your friends, tell him the date in advance and don't put up with any shit about it. He's looking after dc on that night, end of story. And if he wants to do these overnights routinely then the quid pro quo is he does the same for you, one for one.

cheaper than the pub. sounds good idea.

give it a go and see how it pans out? how much noise are they making?

but dont let him get the hump if you go out,
effectively he wont be going out if he is at your flat with his friend.

confused as to exactly what they are doing?

Having the friend over wouldn't bother me as long as they keep it down and don't wake lo.

Effectively not allowing you to go out, I would have serious issues with. What's his reason to not give you a night off like you do him?

How hands on is he generally?

If you aren't able to go out with friends yet he is I would say he's out of order.
My DP occasionally goes out with friends, once he's stayed over because a taxi would have been extortionate, but he has no objections at all when I want to go out, in fact he actively encourages me to see my friends and is happy that I'm getting a wee break.

You are being unreasonable by denying him his third night out since October!!

If you both keep on like this your on the road to nowhere - both of you need to wise up and s t like grown ups

Day to him yes, providing you keep the noise down, and that I can go out too. Make him talk about it sensibly, . fair is fair.

I'm confused. Are you together or split up?

If you have split up then tell him to jog on.

If you are together then why is he living separately?

Thanks all. We are together and live together. It went absolutely fine! Was worried over nothing. X

That's good, because it will happen regularly from now on.

but whenever I say well i am gonna go out cos its my turn, he gets the hump so I dont bother! I am being unreasonable aren't I?

That'd piss me off. He regularly goes out but "takes the hump" if you say you're going to go out?!
What'd happen if you did? Get some balance put back in and go out for a bit by yourself.

Let him get the hump, but still go out. Ask him why he thinks you're not entitled to a night out with friends.

That nonsense wouldn't go down well with me and if he kept getting the hump, he'd soon regret it.

OP, when you say "left overnight", is he returning the following day?

Or just early hours of the morning.