Alcohol issues

[GaryBarlowsunderwear]

I need advice as I don't know what to do and how to deal with my situation.

So as not to drip feed I'll bore you with some background. My partner and I have been together for a number of years. When we initially got together he had issues with cocaine, to the extent that it was clear he had an addiction (although at the time he would not have acknowledged this). He was forced to give this up as he lost his job and ended up moving out of his accommodation and moved in with me, which took him away from his dealer and, therefore, his access to the drug. He seemed to replace this with alcohol (in my view) to the extent that he drank to excess, seems to have no sense of having 'too much' and does not seem to regulate how much he drinks. There are many examples of him going out for 'one' after work and then rocking up at ridiculous hours of the night without a wallet, phone etc. I've had phone calls from him because he's drunk and lost, on one occasion taken into hospital after collapsing, on another occasion fallen down some escalators. I've lost count of the social events that have, in my view, been ruined by my husband drinking too much. These incidents have been over a period of ten years or so. As a result i have simply avoided situations that might trigger this excessive drinking and we have, to some extent, reached a happy balance albeit this means having limited social life and a lot of structure around situations involving alcohol.

In terms of other relevant background my partners mother was an alcoholic. She died as a result of her drinking. As far as I can tell her alcoholism was present throughout my partners childhood. My partner has also been recently diagnosed with anxiety and depression, for which he is on medication and having counselling.

So, the alcohol situation is difficult but for the most part in recent years we seem to find a balance between his need to drink and my need for him to moderate. However things have started to escalate again. His depression has worsened and as a result his drinking has a escalated. A few weeks back he had a social event revolving around work which resulted in him passed out, lights on, telly on and half dressed. A week later he spent the afternoon in the pub with a colleague and came in very drunk, ranting at me and swearing because I had asked him to keep away from our children in the state he was in (i.e. Stay downstairs). After these two occasions I told him I was leaving him as I did not want the children to be exposed to this. He spoke to his counsellor and this resulted in him giving up drink for three and a half weeks. However, today he had a client event that meant he had been drinking all afternoon. He managed to moderate it to some extent. However, I had a planned Social event tonight with a few friends and left him in sole charge of our two children (having assessed that he was sober enough to look after the children) however whilst I was out he seems to have drunk at least a further bottle and a half of wine. In my view this makes him too inebriated to look after the children. The telltale signs that he was not in a fit state are that his phone is lying on the kitchen floor where he obviously dropped it and didn't pick it up and he fell asleep with the lights and tv on in our bedroom, not stirring when I came in despite me not making any effort to be quiet.

He has so many positive points but I feel like I can't take any more. When he's not drinking he is such a kind gentle man. I appreciate that he has mental health issues and a horrible upbringing that he is coming to terms with but I don't feel I can keep going around this cycle of excessive drinking that he seems to be unable to control and am so worried that the children will be exposed to this behaviour that they themselves might replicate in later life. Equally I'm conscious of my own teetotal background ( although I drink myself but within the healthy limits) and wonder if my view is skewed by this and whether I'm being completely unreasonable and should just accept this as normal behaviour. I'm tying myself in knots about how to deal with this tomorrow when I have to address his inebriated state tonight whilst he was in charge of the children.

But now you've had to become the drink police and that's not fair! I bet he makes u feel like such a bore for doing so ? I like getting drunk but i do think if you're the only one having fun you need to take a good look at yourself
You are his partner not his mother or keeper and you should not have to shoulder the responsibility of trying to curb his drinking
I don't believe it will work long term anyway as he will just take it underground

I'm saying this from an understanding place
I had a trauma last year and do believe since then my drinking has become too heavy and maybe I'm even a functioning alcoholic
My spouse has no idea
I'm very good at hiding it !

"I still love him and I want to help him but we can't keep going round this circle"

I do wonder if you are confusing love with codependency here. And you are right with respect to the second part of the above sentence. You need to get off the merry go around that is alcoholism.

Gary if you love this man you will let him go now. You cannot help anyone who does not want to be rescued and or saved and you are in no position anyway to help him. Like his enabling counsellor you are in no position to help him either because you are too close to the situation to be of any use to him. He does not want help. Your late mother did not want to be helped either.

Its painful to read but do read the 3 act play that is alcoholism:-

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

You are future me. Good luck, to you and to him.

I know it all it's just hard to realise that the only way forward is to break up our family because of his lack of control. He's now going through the guilt of falling into it again last night. I'm sick of it. Have told him he has to stop drinking and that he can't control it despite thinking that he can. He wants to speak to his counsellor.

Attila - it was his mum that was an alcoholic not mine. My family are pretty much teetotal. That means I doubt myself about whether my expectations of normal drinking levels are unrealistic because it just wasn't part of my life growing up. I don't like the children seeing us drinking let alone drunk.

I am enabling him, I am trying to control him and acting like a mother figure. He defaults to child like behave and so it continues.

Attila - interesting read on that link. We're at Act 1 and interesting to read what it says about the counsellors being enablers. I can see it already. He wants to speak to his counsellor because he thinks he has the answers. I've told him he needs to take ownership of his issue and to stop pushing it to everyone else. That his counsellor does not have the answers, he does. He just doesn't want to acknowledge the reality so now he's in denial. I've told him he must stop drinking. I doubt that will happen tbh.

Attila - interesting read on that link. We're at Act 1 and interesting to read what it says about the counsellors being enablers. I can see it already. He wants to speak to his counsellor because he thinks he has the answers. I've told him he needs to take ownership of his issue and to stop pushing it to everyone else. That his counsellor does not have the answers, he does. He just doesn't want to acknowledge the reality so now he's in denial. I've told him he must stop drinking. I doubt that will happen tbh.

Gary I haven't much family experience where alcoholic is concerned but that level doesn't sound normal to me.

Whatever the substance though it's putting your DC at risk because of it that sounds worrying. He should be able to put them before alcohol.

As a child of an alcoholic I beg you to consider leaving for the children's sake, I wish my parents separated x

He's making your life miserable, putting you and your children at risk and shows no commitment to change. I really struggle to understand why people in this kind of situation struggle so hard to make what, IMO, is the only sensible decision.

Like Atiila theMeerkat I also think you should ponder the idea of codependency. It is not a criticism of you in anyway - you sound like a fantastically caring person - but it is this empathy that lead to being too helpful and caring and not wanting to "abandon" your parther that can lead to problems..

This is the classic book on it:
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01N5M5T2G/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21

An article on it:
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/presence-mind/201307/are-you-in-codependent-relationship
There are help groups:
www.coda-uk.org/

There are support groups for family members of alcoholics:
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
You will meet others in the same situation who can give you good advice.

You need to put your DC first - not your partner. It is really good that he is getting help for his depression and anxiety.He needs to also tackle the alcohol issue. If you give ultimatums - be prepared to act on them.

Thanks for the links, will have a look When I get some space today. Everyone's comments are helping me think this all through and about next steps.

Yes, I can see codependency too. I need to man up and get my head out of the sand where I have had it firmly had it stuck for the past 12 years.

The money he is spending on booze is the money that could pay for counselling. If you can't afford counselling you can't afford all this drink. I echo a lot of the others advice. You can't change him but you need to do what's best for you and the kids not tiptoe around him hoping he will suddenly come to his senses. He may never and you've spent the best part of your life. He might need more of a hard shock incentive to get the help he needs

GaryBarlow: I just left my EA OH, he also has a massive alcohol dependency. As his drinking has got worse so has his EA. He is a very anxious person, has OCD tendencies. I am a classic enabler and co-dependent. I haven't realised until recently. Now ex OH wasn't your classic alcoholic either, he actually relaxes and becomes nicer mostly when he is steady drinking. When he has a heavy one though, which is fairly frequent, he twists my words, forgets whole conversation and staggers about the house (always when the kids are in bed). He doesn't really do spirits (I won't buy them, because every time I did, I would have one glass and the rest would be gone) but we live in a country where if you don't have red wine at your table when you eat, its a strange thing. We'd go out for dinner, and he put away a bottle of wine, then keep drinking for the rest of the day and maybe finish off three.

Over the last few years I started to bring him to task a little bit about his drinking (don't get me wrong I love a glass of red wine), and he started hiding it. I used to wonder why he was so drunk when I hadn't seen him drink anything. He was drinking cooking wine (eugh) straight out the carton, hiding 7 litre boxes of wine in the garage, probably swigging out the bottle. I thought I was going mad at first, but I found some evidence and talked to him about it. He tried to cut down, but it gradually crept up again. He should completely abstain.

I can now see that the alcohol was a huge factor in our breakdown of a relationship. He had to drink before any social occasion which usually meant he was super drunk while all my other friends were pretty much sober (dinners, nights out etc). It was horrible. Because he drank he didn't sleep well, which meant mornings were always unbearable, I'd have to keep the kids quiet etc. He lost motivation, lost self esteem and in his way of dealin with it, became more and more EA.

He seemed to hate seeing me excell at anything, or even ever enjoy myself. He has a very passive way of sucking the joy out of me. Not to mention the anger. Not to mention I started to go off him physically and would take myself off to bed early so I was asleep when he came to bed. We still had a sex life but I would always prefer mornings because he could perform and it wouldn't drag out for ages (I still enjoy the sex, so I am not saying I was repulsed by him, but I hated the smell of alcohol).

About 6 months ago when he thought he was losing me he cut right down to drinking only three nights a week. Things looked a bit up. He was showing a bit more confidence (started doing weights, eating healthily). Then Christmas hit, his mum stayed with us (he finds this very traumatic as they don't have a great relationship) until he was back to drinking every night and some lunchtimes too (at weekends if we went out for lunch).The EA came back with a vengance, and because we had had a brief period of when things were alright, when it did, I realised that his relationship with alcohol was more important than me. I found it very difficult to raise his drinking as he would dismiss me and tell me I was boring, being melodramatic etc etc. His father was also an alcoholic and was dry for 7 years , but died last year from an unrelated illness. It took ex's mother to leave his father, before he got himself sorted and stopped for good. They were always friends but never lived together again. He had a problem with alcohol for at least 30 years.

So I stayed for so long because I loved him, I tried to save / help him, I care about him and he was functioning. Most people wouldn't have a clue how much he drank because he looks healthy.

Only your DP can change his drinking habit, not you. Have a think about how it affects you. Does it? If it does you should remove yourself from the situation. It feels horrible as you almost believe you must be there to care (co -dependent) and you must be a terrible person to leave when perhaps they need it most. I took him to the doctors, he was prescribed antids, he took them for a while and then stopped them when they ran out. In hindsight they didn't do much but I tried to get him help. But essentially he won't admit freely its a problem, or can't deal with it right now. He is only now ( I don't know if this is for show) started to try and understand the reasons why he drinks. I hope he sorts himself out for the sake of the boys (he actually said he hasn't drunk much since I left and I believe him), but the damage has been done from our relationship point of view. I should have left earlier, and perhaps I wouldn't have felt so final about it all if he changed his ways. He is telling me he wants to prove it to me, but I am broken and I can't put myself through that again.

Which is why I am now living in a different house, and a 21 year relationship ended. You need to give him an ultimatum, it will only get worse if you he doesn't tackle this head on. PM me if you want. . Sorry for the essay!

thank you for sharing. I also feel broken from dealing with his issues for 12 years. His issues have become my issues but I can't do anything more now. If he doesn't stop completely then our marriage is over. I told him some home truths today, which he didn't like and when the children are in bed we'll speak properly about where we go from here from a relationship perspective.

Well done OP that can't have been an easy conversation. Stay strong. It's time for things to change.

Garybarlow: well done for having the chat, watch his actions. Stay strong.

I'm watching your thread OP as your Dh sounds exactly like mine: been together roughly same amount of time. Mine still does coke though and drinks every day....part of his coping mechanism ...anything to celebrate or commiserate in life and it's his go to. I too fear what my children have witnessed.

A good friend told me some scary facts abouts how children of alcoholics are likely to become alcoholics themselves..Didn't make easy listening. I also kid myself that they're oblivious. I know they're not.

We tried him staying away from the family home when he was smashed but that's opened a whole new can of worms now.

Ive left him at the moment and am taking stock of the situation.

You're not alone going through this.

Good luck Martina, and as for children of alcoholics becoming one? I could see my brother becoming one for sure.

My husband and I are both children of alcoholics, we rarely drink. We're not tee total, but we don't drink at home or during meals out etc. Just not our thing really. Probably from the effect our parents had on us.

So looks like you can go one way of the complete opposite based on my family xx

That's interesting Lexie....hope i hacent cahsed offence...I didn't categorically mean that ALL children of alcoholics become one, just that apparently statistically there is a link. As you say, you go one way or the other.

The thought of my children going for his way are why I've broken away.

^' haven't caused'...should say

Gary - do you want your DCs to become alcoholics or seek relationships with alcoholics?
You are in denial - he is an alcoholic.
It will be very, very messy at the end.

Oh no Martini, I was just offering some reassurance.

I do believe that children of alcoholics do have more chances I'd becoming one themselves, as I can fully see my brother ending up that way.

Your children will thank you one day, stay strong xxx