Friendships and 'Talking'

[monkeytree]

This evening, I could do with someone to 'talk to'. I don't mean about the weather, I mean about the stress I'm having with one of my dc's, stress about a possible move, the grief I'm feeling at my two year anniversary after my late mc; real but heavy stuff. Don't get me wrong I do speak to my dh about most things and seem to make a fantastic sounding board/listening ear for my friends but I don't have the type of friend I can pick up the phone and say hey can I come round for an hour, I just need to talk. One of the reasons is that my friends have their own families and enough on their own plates (one is a single mum) but I do get a bit frustrated that I do a lot of the listening and not much of the talking. I find it very difficult to open up, I am a good listener but sometimes just sometimes I want to say be quiet please, I need to talk. I guess I would benefit from some more counselling - I seem to have been in and out of it all of my life for one reason or another. I don't have a mother, I am estranged from her and could never really talk to her anyway, it would be lovely to have an older mother type figure in my life someone I could just turn to if I needed to without having to arrange a s*dding appointment. Most of the time I do O.K it's just sometimes, I get the distinct impression I'm alone. I don't work as such but I write a fair bit - I am working on a novel and developing a website so have projects that I seem to absorb myself in but sometimes nothing can replace a good old natter and a problem shared. Everything these days needs to be scheduled, its difficult to be open in these scheduled slots plus I sometimes worry that if I am utterly despairing when I meet up with people, they'll not want to meet up again. I don't want to come across as needy so I seem to adopt a persona of being in control, calm and happy. I am never short of someone asking me for a coffee but I think this is more to do with my counselling abilities than anything else when sometimes I just want to offload or share an anxiety. Does anyone else find themselves in this position?

The obvious possibilities are

1 Your DH

2 Your friends - when they are leaning on you

3 Your mother - if you could reconnect

Also, other, older relatives

How about befriending older people - who may be lonely themselves

And couldn't you be talking more to the DC you mentioned

I often feel like this OP. I often don't talk about things that are really bothering me until they are sorted. If you like writing could you start a blog and connect with people that way? Some people are just better at communicating things about themselves on paper (or screen!)

I find it very difficult to open up, I am a good listener but sometimes just sometimes I want to say be quiet please, I need to talk.

You need to say it. You have to ask for help/to talk, people respond if you let them know you really need them.

I don't want to come across as needy so I seem to adopt a persona of being in control, calm and happy

There's your problem. I have one friend who knows me so well, I can say or do anything without being judged. She knows how I feel without asking. Other friends, I don't have this relationship with, they think I'm a good 'manager'..little do they know my thoughts in the wee hours.

Your friends probably think you're 'sorted', their perception of you and your life. It's like Facebook..the perception is rarely the reality.

Just tell them when you're having coffee. Start small, surely they say 'how are you?' - that's your cue to stop lieing and say you're having a bad day or you've been up and down.

I find, if your friendships are established where you are known as the good listener, it's very hard to move out of that relationship dynamic when you need to offload. Short term, perhaps counselling is the outlet you need to process your issues, long term, try to allow yourself to open up to existing and new friends.