Do I tell my DD (10) that I have depression?

[mojitosbythesea]

Hi,

I'm 32 and have had depression and anxiety for 20 years, on and off.

Recently my anxiety levels are sky high and I'm feeling incredibly low. Everything seems so hard and out of my reach.

I'm on the edge of tears constantly and my DD is bound to be picking up on this. I actually have been crying every day. Proper sobbing, but I try to do it in private.

I honestly had no intention of telling her, as I was worried that she would worry and she's had a lot to deal with recently.

I completely broke down today and DP called me to attempt to unscramble all the crap in my head (bless them) and I was talking about feeling guilty about my depression potentially harming my DD. DP suggested that I told her, as this would explain my low moods and the fact I'm sometimes teary for no "good" reason.

I am having CBT (third lot) but tbh, the last couple of sessions just seem to have opened a gate iyswim and I'm already over my sessions by two.

What does anyone think? Should I tell her? How do I tell her?

Thank you.

The reasons pp are giving for not telling my DD are what terrify me. I can't bear to think that it's her fault.

God a lot of these stories are making me feel incredibly guilty

I have more of a healthy relationship with my depression I think than some. I am a single parent so I don't have another adult to cover for me so it's pretty obvious. Also I'm not concerned with them copying me if they understand it's chemicals and that its not a reflection of them. They are the ones who bring the light to my life, I very much want to avoid them feeling they are a cause or that they need to modify themselves to tip toe around me.
I know that bad experiences of depression scars deep, especially the effect it can have on your whole family. It's usually a relief when I feel I don't have to carry it and hide it and pretend it's not there. It's kind of been more pivotal to recovering for me but my kids are teenagers now

We have a Young Carers support worker. She takes the older kids out for a McD's every couple of weeks and chats to them. They go to a youth club once a week, and days out and residentials. Ds2 (5) and me went on a 'Time Together' course for four months where we did activities at a family centre. Our worker also gives them resources and chats about what mental illness is.

It's really helped them to a)have an understanding of my illness (bipolar) and b) have plenty of time and experiences away from the situation with other kids in similar situations.

We were referred through social services but I'm sure there are other referral pathways, your GP or maybe the school. It's definitely worth finding out about.

Mojito I feel guilt for some things that have happened but not ultimately for my condition.

It's a health condition same as anything physical no matter what help we get and how we deal with it, it will never be exactly controllable.

Kikikaakaa's post makes a lot of sense. For a child, knowing what is going on and that it is nobody's fault must be reassuring. Also Essie's suggestion about the Young Carers' Network.

I think depression can be hereditary more than copied. Also if you are displaying worrying behaviours such as anger, self harm and emotional regulation difficulties I completely understand why people would not want kids to copy and learn this suggests you need to get professional support for yourself and your kids, but like with most things with kids, awareness and understanding is the old saying knowledge is power. My DD1 recognised her friend was struggling because of my experiences and took some very mature steps to try to help (telling a teacher she trusted). She didn't feel she had to fix things or be burdened by them.

I am not trying to sell depression as a good thing I think that accepting its part of me has helped me feel more positive about recovery.

I'd say yes, but in an age appropriate manner (you have an illness that you can't see, but it makes you feel very very sad and worried) and only from the angle that it is not her fault. So if she sees you upset and so on, it's because you're not well, not because she has done anything wrong. Definitely not from any angle that requires responsibility from her; so nothing along the lines of 'so you need to do x and not do y'.

Obviously it goes without saying that you do everything you can to try to facilitate your recovery; taking medicines, trying to use CBT coping strategies and so on, whatever is appropriate in your case.

My cousin had bipolar disorder and her small son once saw her in a very bad way, screaming and swearing and throwing things and her husband had to restrain her to stop her hurting anyone, including herself. He told the child that Mummy was having a very bad dream and he was trying to wake her up.

Speaking as someone who grew up in a house where we were all responsible for Dad's moods and rages.

*I don't choose to keep it quiet because of shame or embarrassment. I don't say anything because depression can be inherited often through learnt behaviour.

I don't want to draw attention to it in case my dc are watching and copying. I prefer to not burden my DD and try to keep healthy. I take AD's on a long term basis, so actually feel ok.*

If you are acting OK, then there's nothing to copy (I guess "copy" is shorthand for what's a very complicated process so won't question that word too closely :D ) and if they do nonetheless themselves start suffering from the same symptoms and are well informed about it they will know what it is, have some idea how to deal with it, and won't try to hide it.

If you are acting differently because of your depression, then your children will notice it whether you draw attention to it or not. Being informed about what is going on will help them to cope with it. If anything I think it would help them not to internalise that behaviour.

My mother's mental health problems meant that she had uncontrolled outbursts of rage as I and my sisters were growing up. Even now (she's 72) I have to be very, very careful in approaching the subject, as she doesn't want to admit that she has a problem. We children thus had no information or help about what was going on. We knew that our family life was different to other people's, but we didn't know to what extent, and we didn't know what caused it. When our mother hit us and yelled about how horrible we were and how she was going to leave, we thought we really must be at least a bit crap, and that she might leave. If we'd been better informed about that I think it would have helped. If our mum had told us it was a common mental health condition, treatable by a doctor, we might not have felt like our family (and thus us) were just tainted and bad.

Children don't just passively watch their parent shouting or crying without coming up with their own poorly informed explanation for why that is.

I have long term mental health problems that have lead me to be hospitalised throughout my children's life. We have taken the time to explain what is going on to them and how its like any other illness where I will get poorly, but then better again.

We've also gone to great pains to make sure they understand that its not their fault, and when I am ill we put lots of things in place to make sure that their life / activities etc. Is changed as little as possible. We always put them first, even when I am too ill to do it properly.

We don't have any external input as so far - fingers crossed - we've been successful in limiting the impact as much as we can. I do think that explaining things to children is good, but there's a lot to be said for making sure they are not involved in any of the drama that sometimes walks along side mental health issues. For e.g. The last time I was sectioned, the local MH team agreed to do it all after they were in bed so they didn't have to witness mum being carted off to hospital etc.

Just say that you have a bit of a chemical imbalance that the doctors are treating. Be matter of fact but as breezy as poss, so that she doesn't feel burdened or worried. If you're hopeful about the outcome then she'll take it in her stride

Can she go to young carers? They offer activities and support - someone I know told me she didn't talk to the other kids much about her parents illness, but it helped knowing that they understood, and the staff were there when she wanted to understand more about her mum's condition.