Husband wants me to play harder to get?

[banoffeebob]

I'm currently grieving after the death of a very close family member who was very special to me. DH has been somewhat distant and emotional unavailable. I'm currently receiving bereavement counselling and recently highlighted to my counsellor that I hadn't felt it safe to grieve around DH. I've felt an expectation to continue as normal.
As a result, I've tried to unravel this further and I've concluded that I'm being more needy than usual and feeling more grateful for my DH and DCS,wanting my family close. But surely this is normal and healthy?
I explained this to DH after an honest discussion and asked if this was pushing him away. He responded that he much prefers it when I "play more hard to get."
what?
Are all men like this? Am I not allowed to be vulnerable around my husband during a time of grief? I have spoken to my friend about this who explains that DH clearly doesn't "do feelings" so to give him a bit of time and space. I usually rate her advice highly, but I'm not sure about this? Surely DH should be meeting my emotional needs right now, or am I expecting too much?

I am almost the opposite of "needy" normally and in fact dh often doesn't feel needed. But if I were in your position i would absolutely be unashamed to need dh more emotionally and physically. And I'm sure he'd understand this.

I probably would acknowledge it, talk about it, tell dh I appreciate the time and support I'm asking him for. And that I don't think it will be permanent.
If you say all this and your dh still can't be there for you then he is a pretty rubbish husband.

Hmm, I don't think I'd cope very well with having to go to bed at the same time as my boyfriend every night, just because I'm someone who needs quite a bit of alone time to replenish (I have a very emotionally demanding/draining job). I'd try to suck it up for a while if he was grieving but I wouldn't like it. That said, I don't think you're being unreasonable, and 'hard to get' was a shockingly poor turn of phrase 🙄 He does sound pretty selfish.

IMO when someone is distant and emotionally unhelpful to you in your time of need it's quite common to feel like you need them even more and act in ways or feel more and more vulnerable and alone.
If he met your emotional needs initially, you wouldn't be feeling needy at all.
So by neglecting you from the outset, it allows all the feelings to fester and you feel like you appear needy, in turn he finds this more unappealing. He clearly isn't tuned in to what you need or when you want it and then can only see it when it's 'annoying' or inconvenient

Sorry for your loss

I think he needs a good talking to but I don't know if that will help. I hope you have got someone in your life you can turn to

My condolences for your loss - as PP implied, such a deep grief is hard to comprehend without experiencing it first hand, something we wish on no one, but by which we all sadly know we will be affected.

Without wanting to minimise your grief in any way, would you accept this behaviour from him if you had a physical illness/injury? Would you think it was ok if he wouldn't cook meals if you'd broken both arms, because his hobbies took precedence? Or if he was angered by the fact you needed help upstairs while your legs were in cast, because he wasn't yet ready for bed? Of course you wouldn't (or at least, I hope not)!

Please don't allow him to explain his lack of care and compassion for you, his wife, because he 'doesn't do emotions' - it's a cop-out, and a cowardly one at that. All he has to do is hold you when you cry and listen when you talk. You would probably afford that level of decency to a distressed stranger, let alone someone you had publicly proclaimed to love. You deserve better, and so does the memory of your father.

I wish you peace at this time, and hope that the pain of sadness mellows into thankfulness for your memories soon

Is he in public relations, OP?

I ask only because it takes a dick of quite enormous magnitude to spin "I don't want to have to support my wife when she's grieving and vulnerable" into "my wife needs to play harder to get". I think even Max Clifford would struggle to come up with that one and we all know what a thundering bogmunch he is.

I am very sorry for your loss. Grief is a bitch, ain't it!?

I lost a very close friend (I used to call him an extra brother) about a year into a relationship with my now exBF, who I had known for years previously (and who I had supported when his Dad died suddenly).

His lack of support for my grief was astonishing and such a disappointment. Turns out he was just a very weak man who couldn't handle supporting someone else - it had to be all about him. Or nothing. SO SO GLAD he is now my ex! But then we weren't married so that was easier to walk away. But I remember the hurt I felt when I realised he really didn't care how I was feeling anyway. He actually said 'Right, enough of that now', when I was in tears the DAT AFTER THE FUNERAL.

I am glad you are having bereavement counselling, and I hope your DH starts giving you the support you need and that you deserve. Look after yourself during this time and put yourself first.

Sorry, DAY not DAT!