30 years of emotional abuse

[imadeamistake123]

NC to avoid outing.
Just that really. I feel like I've wasted the best years of my life and never been loved. I've always tried to defend myself because he just always made me feel somehow it was always my fault. Met him age 17...

I almost left 15 years ago but decided to stay for the dcs. He's never hit me but has rages and I've always walked on eggshells. I thought I was doing the right thing but now my teenage dcs tell me they can't tell dad stuff cause it might make him angry. They are careful not to say the wrong thing. They love him to bits and he's great with them 98 percent of the time. But I know I didn't do the right thing at all because I've enabled him. I thought if only I could learn how to not say the wrong thing, but following family health issues, I've woken up to know that he's always been angry and I could never have mended him.

They say you find out how strong your relationship is when it's truly tested, and our dcs health issue sure did that. He's left me to deal with all the emotional side and even after a year, won't talk about or help with the tough stuff. He puts his head in the sand and tells me to go on AD'S.

If I leave I honestly don't think I'll ever feel safe to meet anyone else. I am utterly broken.

I think maybe the very fact that your DCs will be in uni you unconsciously know that this is your chance to get out and that can be very frightening. You haven't wasted your life, you stayed for your children and you will get the strength to do this when you are ready. Not sure if anyone else has mentioned it, but maybe try giving women's aid a ring. They have really helped me. My first step was posting on here and now I am almost out. I feel that 'lightness' that pudding mentioned and there is nothing like it. You will do this when you are ready, do not be afraid.

Thanks red and enough. That all makes sense. I think I still struggle to believe how bad it's been because each individual 'event' doesn't seem that much when I compare to other people's experience. But it's how I've had to change my behaviour to try to appease him. And the fact that my emotional needs aren't met, even when family illness left me emotionally vulnerable and in despair.
I am strong really - I've conquered huge challenges in the past, which I try to remind myself of, but I feel deminished and scared.
I have started planning my finances and I'm applying for a job in a nearby town as it's somewhere I can easily commute to and I'd actually like to live there! I know I need to start to build a life for me.
I will call women's aid. I think I felt that was for physical abuse before.
My DH has admitted 'its all been his fault' but he blames his upbringing, which was pretty awful. His mother was emotionally unavailable. However, he's never said sorry and doesn't accept that as an adult he has to take responsibility for his own actions.
Even if he did, it's too late to get the love back. Some things are totally unforgivable. It's been hard reaching that realisation.

I haven't read the whole thread but will say, been there, done that got the tee shirt.

4 Years on and couldn't be happier. It is a journey of self discovery and withdrawing from the addiction. But God is it worth it :)

Hi OP, I was also in a 30 year EA relationship, 22 years married and I totally identify with that feeling of having wasted your time.

I'm 5 years out of the marriage now (mid fifties) and TBH that is what irks me the most. I don't miss him or being in a relationship or living with someone, but I do feel seriously pissed off at the time I wasted with someone who got his kicks from abusing me.

After a lot of counselling I do understand how it happened. We met at uni and I just did not have the sophistication or the resources to identify the issues. I had overly domineering parents which mean that my natural inclination (even now, though I'm working in it!) is to assume that the other person is right and I am wrong. I hate confrontation.

My exH did me a favour in a way as I found out he was a long term cheat on top of everything else so that precipitated the break up. I can see it's much harder in your case when you are almost waiting for a triggering event.

What I can say is that my life now is infinitely better though. I don't ever want another relationship with a man, I have never had any doubt about that. I have teenage DC who live with me including one with SN who will probably never leave home.

I do love having my own home with my own bed and the freedom to read if I want to (although reasonably bright he never read outside work and used to bitterly resent any time I spent doing it), to have baths late at night, to build up my female friendships and to work a lot for charity, which he sees as a pathetic waste of time :)

I think there are two great things which have come out of my past though and I think they are common to most women who have been through something like this and will be to you too:

1. I am fucking titanium now as I have rebuilt myself from the ground up. My exH did everything he could to make me and the DC homeless and penniless and still periodically has a pop at it because money is the most important thing in his life. I am seriously good at the legals now and I take no shit from him over anything. I do feel there is nothing life could throw at me which I cannot deal with and I don't sweat the small stuff any more. My starting point is that everything gets sorted out in the end and everyone else can fuck off. It's a nice place to be.

1. My female friends have been the most awesome experience of my entire life. Even women I only knew slightly rallied round and have been, and continue to be supportive and fantastic. At my age we have all gone through lots of life's crap in various ways and TBH I think there is nothing more awesome than a decent, sensible, middle aged woman who cares for herself, her family and her community. The world would fall apart without us!

Sorry, all of that is a very wordy way of saying: seek support in counselling and in your friends, plan a good time to leave (this Summer after exams sounds good), and concentrate on building yourself the life you want just for you, not for anyone else. It will be fabulous, I promise.

I had a similar marriage for 18 years and stayed to protect the children from their father (who I knew would fight for 50:50 residence if we split despite his lack of input into their daily lives). I now realise I enabled him from the beginning by falling into the 'Victorian Martyr Wife' model - perfect for him, a self-centred angry man-child. Many resonances with what you have said, including about unwanted sex.

Eventually I left. It was horrible and messy for a short time but so worth it (like childbirth).

At the grand old age of 50 I met a wonderful man - reader, that man is now DH. This time round I knew exactly what to look out for (in myself and in a relationship as well as in him). We have a very happy marriage based on mutual respect and generosity of spirit and a willingness to listen to the other person's point of view. And we have lots of lovely sex (well, we certainly did to start with!).

The kids are fine: whether I stayed or went their dad is their dad - they see his faults but love him anyway. When they were younger I did have to handle quite a lot of angst between them and their dad but that would have happened whether we were together or divorced.

Crucially, XDH has remarried, very happily, and I think is a better person without me. Maybe he's mellowed over the years but more likely his new wife is better for him than I was.

So when you have the strength to go, go. You have a good 30-40 years left in you: plenty of time to have a fantastic second chance. You've done your bit and earned your freedom. You will burst out like a butterfly and it will be fantastic!

You cannot dwell on the past, it will make you depressed. It was quite simply a mistake. Learn from it, move on.

Thank you so much for your supportive messages and for sharing your similar experiences. It does help to know that I'm not the only one to have experienced this.
I think staying silent has enabled him and it sounds as though there are many others that haven't opened up to friends and family which is why we minimise and put up with it when friends would have been horrified if they'd known! My bestie was shocked as she thought she knew him.
Cats, I can identify with you about how it happened. I've been reading about attachment types and can see how my 'avoidant' type DH was always going to be bad news. I've given my teen DCs a couple of relationship books which they've read with interest. I'm so happy that they have enough self respect, self esteem and personal strength to form healthy relationships. I don't want to see them repeating history😑
I do think I should open up to friends more. I have opened up to one and she's very supportive.
Purple, 'Victorian Martyr Wife' sounds about right! I sometimes think we've played out our own Truman show but now I've seen the truth and he's losing control. I'm not taking it anymore and he knows it. He lost any rights to me (and I know he didn't really have them anyway) when instead of being comforting and supportive when dcs medical issues unravelled, he was cruel and uncaring to me. I am the rock of the family and for once I needed him to be. Like you Cats, I've had to be titanium and my resilience has been truly tested. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my dcs health but it would have been easier if I'd had someone beside me.
Cats and Purple, your stories show there's no single model for happiness, it's about removing unhappiness and grabbing the life you want.
I need to process this to move on in a healthy way and I will always ensure my dcs well-being where I can. We are very close and I want them to live happy independent lives but always know they have a mum they can rely on! They are thoughtful and appreciate of what I do for them. I'm lucky to have them😊 and I absolutely treasure them. They encourage me to do things for myself a lot.
September is my target month to start my new life but I feel like this thread has helped me start already. Thanks everyone!