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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can you make yourself fancy someone?

17 replies

bluemouse15 · 21/02/2017 19:32

My husband and i are having problems, long story short we have had lots of stressful things happen in the last year, daughter with mobility/chronic pain issues, Step dad passed away, i was Sterilised as he would have the snip! brought a house to do up/rent out, tennants not paying, living in a knackered house while waiting 4 yrs to get planning, husband drinking too much, and feeling like a single parent of two! the list goes on. Anyway with all of this i finally explained why i wasnt happy after a few months of not being able to take anymore, after always saying i was "fine" Things have started to change, like im getting more help around the house etc but with that he thinks everything is fine and is expecting us to be normal and is wanting sex, unfortuatley im not feeling the same, i just dont fancy him anymore. Dont know if its anything to do with the antidepressants i started about 5weeks ago or whether i have just about had enough and think there is more to life than this. I do still love him but not like before and hes a great dad but is that enough to keep us together for the next however many years (we have been together for 19years) He says i need to find it in me to fancy him again as it was there before, but im not convinced. Has anyone else been in a similar situation???

OP posts:

jo10000 · 21/02/2017 20:38

Can you try 'dating' him again, taking time off from all the pressures and just having fun time together, even if just once a fortnight? Sounds like you've had tremendous difficulties and need to build up the romance side rather than be expected to dive in.

DistanceCall · 21/02/2017 21:05

If you fancied him originally when you get together with him, yes, you can bring it back. You have been through a horrible patch.

I think talking to someone professionally would help a lot - both as a couple and individually.

SandyY2K · 21/02/2017 21:10

like im getting more help around the house etc

He says i need to find it in me to fancy him again as it was there before

He's gonna have to do more than housework to get you to fancy him. Is this really the best he can do?

I expect you could get those feelings back, but he'll need to do better.

LetsStartAtTheVeryBeginning · 21/02/2017 21:33

I can't. It's all very sensory based for me. I can't make myself fancy someone, and I've never been able to get it back when it's gone.

HotNatured · 22/02/2017 11:25

No. You cannot, sadly. The not fancying someone gets worse in my experience.

Poudrenez · 22/02/2017 12:45

I think fancying someone is similar to going off to sleep, in that you really can't make it happen. Sad but true, IME. I do think dwindling sex is often symptomatic of other problems, though. Address those and things may just pick up. You've had a shit time recently, as Jo says, try and find some quality activities that you can share. Adventures can be quite romantic. Your DH waiting for/expecting sex or trying to earn it would be the kiss of death to my libido, though.

Original poster

bluemouse15 · 22/02/2017 19:15

Yes we are trying date night but its always his idea, never mine!!

OP posts:

Original poster

bluemouse15 · 22/02/2017 19:17

We have also tried a councelling service, but i found it way too stressful, so im not keen to go back as a couple, maybe on my own though

OP posts:

Original poster

bluemouse15 · 22/02/2017 19:19

He is a very impatient guy who wants change now, i have said its taken a while to get like this so there isnt a quick fix

OP posts:

Original poster

bluemouse15 · 22/02/2017 19:20

It does seem half and half whether its possible too but the way im feeling now im doubtful.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 22/02/2017 19:22

Yes we are trying date night but its always his idea, never mine!!

So you don't get to choose what you do? Why don't you take it in turns to plan a date night. That's what my DH and I do... and we still try and make it something that the other likes and enjoys.

Original poster

bluemouse15 · 22/02/2017 19:22

Lol yes same here. Im also aware that any positive vibe i may give he will also things things are ok again!!!

OP posts:

welshmist · 22/02/2017 19:23

ah anti depressants a great libido killer. To be honest it is normal whatever DH thinks to go through a time of not wanting sex. So you both either suck it up, or go your separate ways.

JoinTheUnicorns · 22/02/2017 19:24

Loss of libido is a pretty common side effect of some kinds of antidepressant, so that might not be helping...

(No advice on the rest, but something to consider.)

Original poster

bluemouse15 · 22/02/2017 19:24

The activity is a mutual decision but if a week passed and he hadnt suggested we go out then i wouldnt!

OP posts:

Original poster

bluemouse15 · 22/02/2017 19:26

He is on the same antidepressants as me and it hasnt effected him the same way, perhaps its a women thing

OP posts:

Dadaist · 22/02/2017 19:49

I'd go with a lot of advice already given OP ...and DH needs to be patient! but you also say you found joint counselling 'too stressful' - and that doesn't sound so good? Do you think you are - even subconsciously- wanting to avoid intimacy (which would make sex more of a hurdle). Does your depression relate to anxiety? It really could be side effects of medication - but the medication will only lesson symptoms and the cause of anxiety could also be related to your flagging attraction to DP. Maybe explore in your individual counselling?

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