Do they come back?

[armouredone1]

Ok a few questions whatever your circumstances were?

Do they come back ever once they've left?

How long does it take for them to realise what a massive mistake they've made?

Did you take them back?

Since he's been gone, where does he live? Does he take your sons to his place?

Looking back were there any clues? Late night working more than usual? Secretive with his phone? At the gym more? Not interested in sex with you?

Did he say he wasn't happy before he left? Not just at the point of leaving?

Sometimes men or women aren't happy and it's not always another man or woman involved, but the point is, you can't have been blissfully happy and he so unhappy that it blindsided you.

He's been staying with his father as far as I know. And he's seeing the boys there at weekends.

We'd been tense for a while but nothing that I saw as major. He's a manager in the corporate computer world and sometimes got home quite late I suppose. But I never thought anything of it. He did overnight business stuff but always has?

I work hard also with the boys and a small part time job I hold.

Plus, I never in a million years thought he'd have cheated. Ever. Honestly that wouldn't lever been the last thought on my mind.

Whether there is a OW or not is immaterial. And for what it's worth I do know men who have left without another woman to go to, but ultimately he has left you whether that be to go to someone else or because he is unhappy. He hasn't sought to address any unhappiness first, he has made the unilateral decision that the marriage is over, and as hard as it is he does have the right to do that.

However having made that decision he doesn't have the right to just come back and decide that he made a mistake. Even if he were to come back it can never just be a case of picking up where you left off. The hurt caused is too deap for that now. Because if he does come back you will need to explore the reasons why he says he left, and your relationship is forever changed.

So now you are the one who has the control over where to go with the rest of your life. You're not answerable to him, neither do you have to wait for him to come back.

If he's not up for talking about your relationship you would be better off filing for divorce and giving him the realisation that the marriage is in fact over. If at that point he decides that wasn't what he wanted then he will potentially show that in some way.

And then (you* will be the one who is able to decide whether or not you can go back or whether you are actually ready to move on with your life - without him. Good luck.

I've never thought of his phone. He always had it with him I suppose. Never saw it left on the coffee table or anything.

I did ask about counselling and he refused actually now I think of it. 😢

Well, he seems to have a lot of free time now if he only sees his children at weekends.

And if there isn't anyone else, and was unhappy living with you and his children, is he really happy living with his dad now? That would be a bit strange, wouldn't it? He could live with his children but chooses to live with his dad instead because it makes him happier.

Would you choose to leave your children and live with your parents instead? Do you think it would make you happier?

I'd be more inclined to think there was nobody else and it was purely him being unhappy if he'd gone off to find himself in India or something. But he's addressing his unhappiness by living with his dad? Nope, not buying it.

But I do agree that you have to take control. See a solicitor, sort out finances, get the divorce going. Will you have to sell the house?

He says he's going to find himself his own place. In fact he told me this during our parting discussion as I was begging him to stay.

He may already have it by now I'm not sure

How is he behaving to you now? Has he discussed divorce/finances? Is he supporting you financially.

Sadly I also expect OW maybe an emotional affair but now he has moved out he has the opportunity, as effectively "single".
I'm so sorry as I know it's a shock but incredibly common, especially during midlife crisis.You haven't caused this, that's important to know as you might keep reflecting on what you could have changed.
No relationship is perfect, had he been committed he would have worked with you.

Don't blame yourself.Separating is like a bereavement, you will go through all the stages of loss but eventually reach acceptance.It will take longer however so don't expect too much from yourself just now.Focus on yourself, practice self care and try to look to a future without him.

Each is different. Mine tried with the "there is nobody else" until one of his ex mates grassed him up two days later. Even now I am getting "I left as I was unhappy not because of her" so that is why he has 8 weeks on already rented a house with her!

I wanted mine back because we have kids and I didn't know how I was going to cope as a SAHM. Now I realise simply he didn't love me....So I need to stop loving him and move on.

Xx

Op I remember desperately looking at will he come back links. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm sorry but I agree that it does sound like an OW, maybe it wasn't physical but emotional.
I know how scary it is when people suggest filing for divorce too as you are just waiting for him to realise what a massive mistake he made. He might do but he might not and honestly I know from experience you can't see this now but it isn't ok for him to just decide to come back anyway. Try and come to terms with the fact that for now at least he has gone and you need to try and grieve and get through each day getting a bit stronger as you and not just waiting for him. Do the children get that he has gone? So sorry you are going through this x

Armour Yes another woman was involved but he only left because I found out about her. Loooooong story. Feel free to pm x

I kicked him out because I had evidence of him cheating - he STILL denied for several years.

I'm not saying it never happens but the ONLY men I know who left without there being an ow the wives had MAJOR addiction issues.

For some reason (I wonder if there's a cheatingbastardsnet) a lot announce a 'new but serious' girlfriend around the 6 month mark, then there's a convenient financial or practical reason (she got kicked out had nowhere else to go) why she has to move in after 7/8 months...

Besides really you deserve better and so do your dc.

Finding yourself doesn't mean going off to India or anywhere else. He has a job and bills to pay.

I'm not sure if you're married, but if you are ask when he's filing for a divorce.
Don't be his option, while he's your everything.

FWIW my DB left his wife and it wasn't because of an OW. He'd said he wasn't happy for years, but it didn't get back on track.

In my experience,every man who walks out on a marriage or long-term relationship,does so because he has an OW. Including my exH. He strenuously denied it at first,and I nearly believed him,until I had reason to phone him at his mother's,where he was staying. And SHE answered.

I think that most of them don't come back. By the time most of them have the courage to face up to actually telling their wives, they're pretty darn sure they're 'done'.

If he was unhappy then living at his dad's wouldn't be an issue, I understand men and women think differently, but I split with my exh,not because of another man but because I was so unhappy. He was a lovely man but it just wasn't working.
I kept my house, it was mine before we met, but I would happily have (and gave him the option) to let him stay and I would've left instead. Yes at that point I would've been happier living back at my mums than staying because the relationship was dead for me. I found living in an unhappy relationship very lonely and once I made up my mind to end it and make myself happier (and him, it wasn't fair on either of us) I would've done anything to commit to that decision.
It's true most men leave for an OW but I don't think that thinking too much about that possibility is going to help you at this stage, if there is one you'll find out, in the meantime try not to drive yourself mad thinking of the possibility, I appreciate that pp have experienced that to be the case but it's not a one size fits all scenario.
At the end of the day, whether he has or hasn't cheated, for him the relationship has changed. For whatever reason he doesn't feel the same, I can imagine after so many years how devastating that is but all you can do at this point is try to keep it together. Look after yourself and your dc and try to begin dealing with the situation at hand. I'm sorry this is happening to you op but OW or not things have changed and you will be OK.

Op, no one here knows if he has been cheating, it doesn't really matter. It's time to think and plan for the future without him

Useful questuons from Runaway husbands book

"Have I seen any evidence of warmth, tenderness, caring or regret on the part of my former spouse since he left?"

If the answer is no, let it go.
If the answer is yes, ask yourself this:

Has the tenderness I’ve received been consistent and long lasting over weeks or months? If the answer is no, let it go

Sadly most times there is OW or at the very least they want to go out and pick women up.

How long are you going to hang about waiting on him changing his mind?

I really think once he moved out you should start living your life without him; you must feel in limbo, is he saying he wants to come back?

It is usually another woman. Men dont tend to leave a relationship unless they have had their head turned. Your are right that you were probably ok together and muddling along but she has turned his head and he feels "in love" again which trumps all else. It takes awhile for those feelings of lust/love to abate and then he will maybe start doubting his decision.

For every man that comes back begging there are many that don't. Like an earlier poster said, by the time they tell you, they have often mentally moved on anyway regardless of OW or not.

After 4 months, I'd say that he wasn't coming back. If he did, then I would bet money on it being because of a breakup with OW. In my opinion, that's not a good reason to have someone back.

You need to prepare yourself for the possibility that you never hear that he regrets breaking up with you. Part of "the script" that cheating spouses go through is a rewriting of history. They will say things like they were never happy or that a happy memory that you have isn't how he felt about that moment at all. The rewriting is in order to reduce their guilt about moving on without you.

My ex left for OW. We have 3 kids while OW has none so I suspect that he was bored with family life and left for someone who would put him as sole number one. It is easily the worst and best thing that's happened to me and in time hopefully you will see that you are strong and can live a happy life without him.

Sorry OP, I worked in family law for years and saw the same situation play out over and over again. Man leaves wife (and kids) because he's already dating her replacement or miraculously starts dating a replacement within a month of separating. We did have clients who wanted a divorce NOT due to cheating, they just weren't happy and wanted to move on in their lives. Those clients were always females...

It's such a cliche and as a young solicitor on my first job out of law school it surprised and depressed me how true is really is :(

I'm not trying to make this more painful for you OP but unless your relationship has seriously broken down and you were arguing daily/living separate lives etc... (and it sounds as though you thought things were okay) I would be stunned if there wasn't another woman involved.

zombie's post could Have been mine word for word. Especially the rewriting history bit. It's necessary so that they can not feel utterly shit about what they have done to their family and of course they tell all of their friends and family the 'i haven't been happy for ages' bit which would then make it pretty difficult to take it all back. OP so many of us in here have been where you are and all I can say is that it does get better. I still want to rage at him for taking away my children's family - childhood memories of family days out, holidays etc all together but i am doing all those things without him