Anyone who has gone from having no/weak boundaries to good, strong ones - how did you do it?

[WTAF2016]

Some people may remember my thread a few weeks ago. It had to be removed because of legal issues, but it essentially covered my need to leave my partner but my difficulty doing so.

I did leave him, almost as soon as the thread disappeared.

I realise that my difficulty in leaving is in part due to being a kind person with no boundaries as to where I stop and the people I love begin. I've known this for years - and have tried to fix it over and over again.

I'm single now, for the first time in many years, and am determined to tackle this.

Has anyone else struggled with poor boundaries and overcome and good to a healthier place in their relationships with other people? I grew up as a young carer, and from there went into an abusive relationship. So a history of putting other's needs above me. Had lots of therapy after that ended and felt into a good enough place to have other relationships, which were better but still disastrous!

I'm 34 now and I want to have a healthy relationship and a family eventually. For now though, I recognise that I have to stay single. I have good friends and hobbies and an engrossing career.

Where do I start? I am having therapy and it's great, but I just want to hear what other people may have done. I am trying to write what I think are my boundaries down, but I'm struggling.

It's taken me many years but I've finally established some boundaries. I'm still a nice person who will help people out but unless it's reciprocated, I won't go out of my way like I used to (obviously I'll help when I can if it doesn't put me out). That way I no longer am upset and think that people are taking advantage.

Op well done leaving the abusive relationship. So many interesting ideas on here. I am also a people pleaser, but even find it hard to call it that. It's ingrained in me to help people. I have massive problems saying no, even at massive detriment to myself and then feel hurt why people asked me for help
I had some counselling. One interesting topic was on our core beliefs and how it effects our need to help or put others needs before ours. It can be a sad place when you realise that others don't do the same. Good luck op. Will be watching this thread.

You'll know you have your self- esteem in check when you are able to bale-out of a dysfunctional relationship because the person is violating your boundaries and you can think to yourself " I deserve to be treated better, this feels awful".

So, instead of soldiering on with a relationship because the person has power over you, you can spin on your heels and get out. You will exercise your choice, saying to them "thanks but no thanks", even when they beg, plead and promise to change. You will know they never will in reality, but your former self might have given them the benefit of the doubt, felt sorry for them, felt you were being the bad person, and wanted to ' get back in their good books' etc.

It's that feeling of choice that is liberating.

For those struggling to say 'no' ( me included) the world doesn't fall apart if you say it people's reaction is never as bad as you think it will be , in fact they usually just accept your answer and move on . If someone takes umbrage then that is when you can distance yourself from them because they obviously have issues themselves . It is ok to say no !

How about this personal Bill of Rights (by Anne Dickson I think). Its not the be-all and end-all but might help. I found nos. 6 and 7 helpful myself ...

1. I have the right to state my own needs and set my own priorities as a person, independent of any roles that I may assume in my life.

1. I have the right to express my feelings, both positive and negative.

1. I have the right to be treated with respect.

1. I have the right to express my opinions and values

1. I have the right to say "no".

1. I have the right to make mistakes.

1. I have the right to change my mind.

1. I have the right to say I don't understand.

1. I have the right to ask for what I want.

10. I have the right to decline responsibility for other people's problems.

11.. I have the right to deal with others without being dependent on them for their approval.

RESPONSIBILITIES IN RELATION TO RIGHTS

1. I recognise that I have responsibilities as well as rights.

1. I do not have the right to infringe on the rights of others.

1. I give others the same rights that I give to myself.

The website 'abusesandrelationships.org' has an interesting article about how to avoid manipulation and boundary pushing, I can't link on phone sorry. I think it's called ' the antidote to manipulation'.
I too struggle with boundaries and found it enlightening.