Am I trying too hard or being over sensitive?

[swannview]

Have posted previously and received some great support, so here I am again.

Brief recap: married for 12 years with 3 DC. Emotionally and physically abusive marriage in which I fell out of love and decided I wanted to end it last summer. Constant walking on eggshells, feelings of not being good enough, resentment etc. He left the marital home and I stayed with the DCs.

I have no surviving family and because of his living circumstances where a friend has recently moved in, it means I have primary care of the children, and for at least 6 weeks now, this has been without a break. I have struggled, a lot. I have been put on anti ds by my GP due to lack of confidence as a result of being put down so many years.

For the sake of the children, we are trying to remain civil. He is due to open a new business this week and has been tied up there as a result. Its a good 15-20 minute drive in the opposite direction from school to home and over half term last week, I made the effort and took the kids to see him there most days whilst I knew he didn't have much flexibility. If I hadn't have done this, he wouldn't have had the time and so at least he can't throw it back in my face about me not making an effort on my part- or so I thought.

After school tonight, they said they wanted to see him. I called to check if he was available and he said to bring them across. We must have stayed around 30 minutes, and in that time, all they got was a hello and a kiss on the cheek. When I realised he was too busy to come and sit with them, I told them that it would be best if we left as I also didn't want to get stuck in rush hour traffic. He then made some smart comment directly to the children about me being bored, and that when I brought them tomorrow he would take them home so they could stay longer. Stay longer and
do what? Sit on a table and watch their father do anything and everything but interact with them when his business partner was happily sitting with his own DW and DD when we arrived?

When I told him that I had brought the children to see him, which on the phone he had no problem with, he replied that I wasn't doing him a favour, I was doing the children a favour  I actually thought he would appreciate me making the effort to bring the kids to him as much as I have, because I don't want them turning around in a few years time telling me that I was the reason they never saw him, when in fact, if it was left to him, they probably wouldn't see half of what they are doing now.

This coming from a guy who was adamant on joint custody, yet hasn't looked after his kids once in the past six weeks at least.

I am tired, burning out, and trying to juggle life with three DC, one of whom has a disability. All the while trying to keep their relationship with their father healthy, yet I get the feeling I just have mug written across my face 

Keep posting on here op to get support. Just wondering if perhaps you could ask hq to change the title of your thread to one more relevant to our issue? That way you might get more responses

Your not our!

I'm with you 100% on that Babli. When they did stay with him I dreamed it because their packed lunches contained nowhere near as much as what I put in for them and I knew they would be hungry

Ineedaholiday- thank you for suggesting the title change. Can it be done on mobile app or do I have to contact HQ using the desktop?

I know there's still a long road ahead before this all officially ends, but I think I've taken the biggest and most important steps (or I hope so!)

I'm going to panic a bit financially as that was always his department. I've already gone into the overdraft by paying the court fee which I don't like, but I had no choice. Baby steps all the way

Baby steps indeed

I don't know re the app I'm afraid. Maybe start a new thread if you can't work out how and we'll find you?

What you are going to find is a LOT of grunt work but it won't be wasted like grunt work for the ex-h was (mine used to sap all my energy).

I hope the solicitor can unravel some of his income for you to try and get you the financial support you are entitled to. Are you already all signed up to child benefits etc?

And got your 25% discount on council tax?

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/benefits-you-may-be-entitled-to-if-you-are-separating/amp?client=safari

I'm up to date (I think) with what I can receive in terms of money. I claim CTC, CB, my son receives DLA and so I claim carers allowance. I have also claimed the council tax discount.

After all the outgoings, I'm only left with just over £500 a month. That doesn't include food and petrol. I desperately need to find work to top up my income, but due to lack of childcare, this ideally needs to be just Mon-Fri and within school hours.

I create and design homewards and decor and currently (try to) sell online, but it is no where near enough a full time income

I've had a very unsettled night worrying about finances.

I am going to copy and paste what I write in a group I am in on FB to shed some light:

The ex was self employed running a coffee shop. Every year he failed to disclose his true income after paying the accountant a back hander. Based on this he has told me that I will get peanuts when it comes to child maintenance. He has since gone on to get a friend run the cafe whilst he now works for a guy managing a restaurant in the city centre. It's another dodgy set up where his true income won't be shown on the books. I told him I wanted to push for spousal maintenance and he laughed in my face.

What leg do I have to stand on? He drives a £11K BMW whilst I am in a clapped out Citroen. A friend has told me that if it gets investigated, they will see lots of money moving around in his bank and so he wouldn't be able to hide it. The CW has told me that if I 'grass him up', then I will get dragged down too as they would look to recover any costs from the equity in the house. Said friend again told me that he's using scare tactics.

I'm panicking already. I have no surviving family whilst means childcare is non existent. I have a son with a disability and so he is in receipt of DLA and I receive carer's allowance, but should I start to earn more than £100 a week, that would be cut. Not only that, but how can I find a job that is suitable to fit around school and won't cost me the earth in childminder fees?

Taking that into consideration, that's why I want to push for maintenance, but I'm worried I'll get nothing. Does anybody have any experience? Again, I know the solicitor knows best, but he won't be back in the office until Monday and I don't want this playing on my mind all weekend 😔

Some body replied with a link reporting him for tax evasion, but a friend has said that would do neither him or I any good. There is a book in which he recorded daily incomings and outgoings and friend said that would be plenty of proof. However, the book is in his room which is above the coffee shop. If I took this, I know is theft, but I still have access to upstairs as a few of my old belongings are there. If I photographed each page, is that enough, or could he turn around and say that he doesn't know what it is and it's nothing to do with him?

As you can see, I'm thinking of anything possible in order to be able to get the maintenance that the DCs rightly deserve