Would this ring alarm bells for you?

[Pheasantplucker2]

I've been seeing a lovely guy for a couple of months, he's kind and caring (and sexy), we get on really well and he makes me laugh a lot. We're from quite different backgrounds though, and he told me something recently that I'm not sure about.

He's got a 14 year old son from a previous relationship, who he fought for sole custody for (and won), as the mum was an alcoholic. He has also told me about his adult daughter, who doesn't speak to him because when he and her mum split up (marriage before above relationship) she took her mum's side. He didn't tell me much more than that about the divorce. However, we were talking last night and he told me the reason they'd split up was because his ex wife had been cheating on him, and his wife had had another child, who BF had brought up, thinking he was his own until the child was 6. Then the long term affair came to light, and the child looked nothing like him, so he did a DNA test and it emerged the child wasn't his. He walked out at that point and has had nothing to do with the child since. Obviously this is part of why the adult daughter no longer speaks to him. He obviously still has very conflicting feelings about it, some 15 years later, and is very sad about it.

I feel very sorry for him, but it's been preying on my mind all day. He walked out on a child who thought he was his dad. It feels really uncomfortable to me.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel odd about it. He is a caring dad to his 14 year old son and has fought to bring him up, he's not an absentee or uncaring dad to him. It's just, I dunno. I can't reconcile this with the man I know.

Yes the mother is the guilty party.

He's 55, I'm 44 and already have kids, it's my first relationship post break up. We're taking it all very slowly, neither of us have met each other's kids yet. More kids are not on the cards.

I have lots of questions, but he finds it really hard to talk about and I have to let him tell me at his speed. I don't want it to be a deal breaker, as I really like him, but it has knocked me for 6. I don't know whether he tried for contact and wasn't allowed, or anything like that, but he shut down emotionally for a long time after it all happened, understandably.

For me it would depend on exactly what happened, and his attitude about it now.

Did his ex stop him having contact with his non biological son? Did he take steps to seek access?
Or did he walk away from the boy on his own volition? Did he consider how his actions impacted on the boy and take any steps to reduce the impact?
Had he viewed the boy as his son until then? Or had he never bonded with him as he always had suspicions? Was he an involved father until then, and would the boy have regarded him as Daddy?

Legally if he was named as father on his birth certificate - which I assume he was given they were married - then he had the same legal rights for contact as with his biological daughter. Yes the mum may have made it difficult. Although he still managed to see his biological daughter despite her being difficult.

Was she difficult about his seeing biological daughter because she wanted him to see them both together, and not cut off the boy, and he only wanted to see the girl? I am not condoning this at all, this would reflect badly on both of them.

I know someone who is in a relationship with a man who is very 'black and white' about contact with his Children with ex. Thinking about it logically from his perspective rather than the child's perspective. As she doesn't want to have children she doesn't think his attitudes to parenting matter to her. However he has also been self centred with her when she has had difficulties, I think his attitude to children reflects a general trait of prioritising himself especially over weaker people. Not to say your man is like this, but an example of someone who I could imagine doing this and thinking he was 100% justified.

If he did choose to cut the boy off abruptly - what does he think about it now? Does he feel regret? Can he empathise with the child's POV? Would he act differently now? Or has he only reflected on this because you want him to, and he can't see the fuss but wants to keep you happy?

I can see that learning that the boy wasn't biologically his might have impacted on his relationship with him going forward, but I can't understand a position where it cancels out 6 years of knowing him as your son. That seems v cold to me, if he chose to cut him off.

I would be asking more questions about exactly what happened, although of course you only have his recollection so it may be biased