Need to leave, but can't cope.

[BorrowedHeart]

Things have gone too far today, I'm getting help for counselling due to issues in the past. My partner has just thrown up something I've said about counselling in my face. He has said (in response to me saying something about him having a limp dick) that he can't get it up because he is unattracted to me and I'm too fat etc, this hurt more than it should because during an argument before, he said that me gaining weight has put him off a bit, we talked we cried etc and I thought we got through it. Yet anytime we argue he goes all childish and insults me based on looks etc. I can't cope anymore I just can't do it, I have depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts (not due to him) I love him, I really do, but I can't keep taking his shot and arguing in front of two very young children all the time. Anyway, I want to know if it would seem ok or weird to leave and leave the kids with him? Or at least one child with him? He is a great father and is very capable of looking after them and has done more for them since I've become really bad and couldn't leave my bed at times, I really want to split but I just can't cope on my own, I don't even wake to the youngest when she cries at night as I just don't hear her, this is due to her not making a sound for the first year of her life due to a trachi and we always relied on a machine to beep which I always heard. I just want other views on what I can do? I can't stay as it isn't good for my health but I really couldn't cope with the youngest on my own due to all her extra needs etc would it be weird to leave and have one kid each and on alternating weekends or something have both? Once her needs are less I'm sure I could easily do 50/50 custody of both the girls but right now I couldn't. I feel so stuck.

I've also posted elsewhere but no replies so I'm trying here.

So you say he has a limp dick and then you don't like what he says back?!

Hmmmm......

Sorry but you made a really nasty comment to him first. You shouldn't be suprised when he throws something back at you.

Yet anytime we argue he goes all childish and insults me based on looks etc.

You did the same thing!

OP do you have a CPN at all, or is counselling the only support you are getting?

From what you've said, you and your partner are actively making each other unhappy. Regardless of the rights and wrongs of today's argument, it sounds like you need to be apart. Your DC will benefit from having two happier, calmer parents.

What I'm concerned about is that you want to walk away from your DC, possibly because of how hard you're finding everything right now. I think you could end up really regretting this decision and you need to talk it through with a professional AND with your partner before making any decisions.

Do you still have a HV? Can you see your GP and explain that you're not coping? You don't have to go on feeling like this, there is help out there

Yes my comment was out of order, I fully accept that and I feel awful about it. It doesn't change that I said it though. I said what I did today because for months now any argument we have had results in him calling me crazy or physcho, or commenting on my weight, what I said was wrong and childish but we can never seem to talk things throug, it's always shouting and him calling me names such as a fucker and cunt, I guess I just wanted to hurt him which was uncalled for. The counselling is only recent (only had the initial assessment) not sure what CPN is, no health visitor really and I could do without them due to past experiences, it's not that I want to walk away from my kids I love them and have fought hard for them, I just know that I couldn't cope with the two of them on my own while I feel this way, our youngest has extra needs, heart transplanted and ng fed, it's stressful and hard, last feed finishes around 1am and the next needs to be on for 9am then meds at 10am etc the oldest is showing behavioural issues, hitting arguing back etc. Possibly due to what she has seen (there has been no violence between me and my partner though) I just don't know what to do or how I will cope if I don't even hear when the youngest cries in the night.

Just to add, before I met my partner four years ago, I had never actually been in a proper relationship, the only one I have been in lasted six weeks maybe a bit more and was violent and abusive, ended up with police being called. I don't really know what to do after a break up especially when we have two kids together.