Struggling after affair

[ghostwatch]

How do people get over affairs ? I've been struggling with partner having affair from 2 years ago (which I found out about 1 year ago). It feels like I dealt with it much better when it had just happened and over time I'm just feeling more and more betrayed and insecure. I'm thinking of not staying in relationship now. Not because I don't want to be in it but because I want the nightmares to stop. Literally.

I'm not the OW and really offended by that

ghost - I can't see what positives you are getting out of this situation at all.

You managed on your own before, so you know you can do it again.

Your right Norma I think saying everything collectively here helps. Originally I just wanted to nightmare of him and her together to stop and having him back worked temporarily. I'm still on heart beta blockers because of that. I felt my heart had actually broken. She is still lurking about making it clear she would have him back. I think that's what I was keeping hold of him for. From a rationale point of view this is all ridiculous. I've been in some thick fog now starting to see the light.

Christ, he sounds like a total cunt

Save yourself, for God's sake. No one else is going to do it for you.

Bin the loser. Hes a prick.

Sounds like you are in some fucked up competition for him

Let her have him. He is the fucking booby prize.

Anyfucker your right I quite frankly need to be bitchslapped into reality. Mumsnet is the best. I need need to go an apologise to my teen I just snapped at her for no good reason. This has to stop

Booby prize is right. Let her have burden of the feeding and care of him.

You have a lot going for you. You can support yourself financially. You have kids that love you. Your family and friends are looking out for you.

You do not need this shit. Kick him to the kerb where he belongs. Hopefully the OW will pick up the burden.

Completely detach yourself. I promise you that before too long you will be feeling like a massive millstone has been lifted from your head.

OP you know, I was so I incredibly miserable last year trying to make it work.... it was like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, can't go but can't stay miserable either... but you know what.... your not obliged to stay... and when you make the decision to leave, the world becomes a brighter place with lots of new possibilities and fresh starts...

A friend texted this to me...

Remember, all endings are also beginnings, we just don't know it at the time. Good things fall apart so better things can fall together!

Thankyou Anyfucker and Dontsay. I guess I wasn't seeing the very clear positives. Your right I don't rely on him or have a messy divorce and he is not the kids Dad. I think he used the excuse to see the children as always a way back in before but I can see this is not perhaps for the best.
And yes it could be a new beginning. He has told me so many times that with the way that I am so moody and naggy no one else would put up with me. He went round to my mums and my sisters saying the same things about me that if he is not with me I will be all on my own and is that what they want. I've felt repulsed at the idea of other men ? I don't know why. I felt like I will have more of the same but maybe not. Certainly in no good hurry to start dating I'm far to cynical but too a new beginning yes 🍷

All men are not like this arsewipe.

He has certainly done a number on yoi

*you

I can identify with you.

But I do think many men are like this, and I will never trust one again.

It's horrible.

Apologies for my dismal post

Isnot - until that day happens (I doubt anyone will want the narcissistic bitch TBH) I shall continue to make her days at work as uncomfortable as possible. Oh yeah..... my lovely husband decided to have his affair with someone whom we both work with!! Height of respect I think you'll agree.......

\Why are YOU feeling bad when HE is the one who behave appalling?

He is a horrible man, what he has done to you is unforgiveable and I truly believe he is not even sorry, do you want to hang around for him to do it again, it's like you're second best, fuck that, get out OP, you deserve someone a zillion times better than this, he has zero love and respect.

i stayed with my ex for 9 years after i found out he cheated, it took 4 years to get over (months of crying, cognitive behavioral therapy and anti depressants) and then i no longer cared and just stayed in the relationship because i was used to it. i stopped loving him after he cheated and thought i was staying with him for the kids who had just been born when i found out.

i left that relationship 2 years ago and am getting married this year! i have never been happier.

i would never recommend staying with a partner after cheating

nb: i am not as trusting as i used to be which is hard.

Thankyou Adora and Steal I am listening still to all the replies and it's really helping me to not let him twist my mind. This morning I went back to Drs and got more meds bought some running gear to get back to running. I have been in touch with a good friend and she is calling me a lot and supporting. He managed to isolate me quite a bit so I'm re connecting. I feel like I'm putting better boundaries in place about what's acceptable.
Steal I know what you mean about not trusting so much but it gives me hope that you have found someone and are married and feel happy.

I will keep posting on here with updates.

i suppose what i am saying is all is not lost, if you really want to make your relationship work then go for it but dont do it because u feel u have no other choice. also it doesn't seem like he cares, you should be with someone who adores you.

i believe once a relationship has been tainted with something like this then there is no going back.

my fiance lets me discuss my worries with him about trust and i am learning to trust fully again.

Keeping strong and no going back for me. Thanks for all the good advice on here and I hope others are ok ? I still have moments of despair and spent my birthday with just the dc yesterday. I got a birthday message from ex but didn't cave. I deserve better.