Left him now won't see kids

[Fig678]

Cutting a v long story short. Left H after 14 years. 7yr old ds and 9 month old dd.
Just before we found out I was pg, caught him texting a woman he met on night out. Msgs ended when she asked to meet up so obviously he got cold feet. A few days after found out I was pg, he was trying to make it up to me so decided to forgive and move on.
After this, treated me like shit the whole pg, very dismissive and cold, etc., angry with me for no reason, actually quite cruel, I was working full time, sorting childcare/school runs, paying majority of household expenses, etc.
Then told me that when the baby is born I'm not to bother him with the kids and he'll be there if he can but the responsibility lies with me. Secretive with his phone. Got his password and saw that he had msg'd 2 women on Facebook.
I thought fuck all that, I do everything anyway so baby was 8 weeks old I moved out with the kids.
Between me finding somewhere to live and now, he's constantly been saying he wants us back together, he's realising his mistakes (shit with money, only involved with us on his terms, etc.) but I'm not going back.
Problem is, he's not having the kids. We agreed on 2 overnights per week for eldest and 1 for baby while she's harder work but he hasn't done it. He'll take the eldest once per week but has never had the baby.
I am struggling. Baby is hard work, I haven't slept a full night since she was born, he keeps saying he will in future but it's too hard now. He's a selfish bastard - too hard for him but he's happy to let me do it day in day out.
I don't know why I'm posting, need to vent really. I go back to work in 2 weeks, full time and I somehow need to manage it all.
Childcare all sorted for me working, house is all up together and I'm pretty organised, but fuck, I am so worn out!
The only benefit is that at least I'm worn out but not having to deal with his bs on top of it, in the 8 weeks I was home with newborn he didn't lift a finger then either, slept in the other room because the baby was waking him up!
I'm so fed up. Don't have anyone local that can take the baby for a night. How have others got through it????

Rocking, that typo really made me laugh...that's how I feel some days
Parker, he does pay maintenance but it isn't huge and doesn't stretch far as I live in very expensive part of the country. All it does really is cover food costs.
I'm feeling a lot more positive today and thanks to you guys who have done it, I feel like I can handle it...I'll just be really tired!
Having a day at home today with the kids to just laze around which will be nice

Graphista, not entitled to free school meals as I work full time. I'm in the pool of people who don't earn enough to have surplus cash at the end of the month but earn more than is required to receive most top up help. Ironically, if I reduced to 3 days per week, I'd receive more in top up benefits than I take home now! It wouldn't do my career any good though so thinking of long term and staying full time. I get child benefit though and a percentage towards nursery costs so some support there which I'm really thankful for.
Really sorry to hear about your situation - that sounds so hard for your daughter. I don't think these absent parents realise the effects of their behaviour not only on the kids but on the present parent having to watch the hurt day in day out.
In my situation I feel it is beneficial to have him around as he does want to see them and sees them regularly but my problem is that it's on his time, snatched hours here and there, last minute, etc. and a refusal to have baby overnight while she's little as its 'too hard'. What I need from him is to commit to set days so that kids have some structure in amongst this upheaval they've had to deal with, and I get a break, especially as the baby has been such hard work.
I totally understand why you'd rather your ex have not been around based on his behaviour - he sounds even more inconsiderate than mine! I can imagine the hurt and pain it has caused you - you sound like you were so committed and accommodating to helping the contact between your dd and ex that it won't go unnoticed when she's older and she'll feel very lucky to have you.

Dd and I have a good relationship even with the delights of teenhood (don't you just love hormones - not! )

Each situation is different and you know your ex and your dc best which is why I said consider it all.

Do you have a solicitor? Could they write to your ex to maybe impress upon him the importance of regular days and times for the dc?

I still agree going through cms might motivate him on that too. On that score is he paying what he's supposed to be? Even what the govt calculate is really the minimum.

Sorry you're falling through a gap financially. Not sure what else to advise there.

I feel like it every day

I was thinking that you're still all in the eye of the storm OP, in a few months, everything will settle down, try to keep your chin up, and give yourself some time ...hats off OP

So true Need to relax and be happy with winging it (including my eyeliner)
I hope things settle, when I'm back into the routine of work and see that things play out OK with the kids etc., it might feel easier.

No solicitor Graphista, holding off on that front for as long as possible as I really don't want to go down that route (but will if I have to). He's paying what is right (what is fair based on his salary) so just praying and hoping that he steps up with the access issue. I think I'll give it 2 months and then take action if nothing changes. At least then I can truly say that I tried everything to keep things civil and am only going down the legal route because he's been a complete selfish bastard.