IVF and wedding. Struggling to cope and don't know what to do

[whatthef30]

NC for this as I'm quite embarrassed by how I'm feeling.

Dp and I are due to get married in June. Just a small do of immediate family and friends.

We are also due to start IVF next month (both diagnosed with fertility issues last September. It has been the worst six months of my life)

I am currently seriously struggling to cope with it all. I thought getting married would give us something good to focus on in the midst of all the IVF bullshit, but it's actually doing the total opposite. I'm feeling even worse than I thought I would about the IVF and it's spilling over into the wedding. I'm not looking forward to it at all and just keep thinking about all the things that might go wrong/how stressful it will be.

People keep telling me what a happy time it must be for me, but truth be told I feel mildly suicidal. I suffer from depression/anxiety and my Gp weaned me off my ads about four months ago for ttc purposes. I'm really struggling without them.

Every morning I wake up and my first thought is "I don't have a baby. I might never have a baby" Then I just start worrying about the IVF/wedding and on it goes all day long.

Really feel like I want to postpone wedding, but not sure if I'm self sabotaging. I've had a lot of therapy that has uncovered that I don't feel entitled to all the things other people are. Perhaps I just feel I don't deserve to get married/have a baby?

Sitting on couch now not knowing how I'm going to face the day. I just feel so utterly shit

[frostyfingers]

Well I think your wedding plans sound lovely as they are - you stick to your guns and ignore everyone telling you what to do. A special couple of nights honeymoon to give yourselves a break is a great idea and then if you want to do more a bit later on you can. Somehow you need to get the message across to everyone that the wedding is sorted and that's that. Don't beat yourself up about feeling negative/spoilt/bratty either - you are not. You are in the midst of a hugely stressful time, it's totally normal to be overwhelmed at times, but do see if your GP can help you a bit more.

[Chamonix1]

I'm sure some people enjoy the planning but it's very stressful and unless you have a lot of support a lot of pressure.
Your day sounds lovely OP. Ignore others I only enjoyed our wedding when I let go and did what WE WANTED.
we also booked a cosy cottage in wales for our honeymoon, we hid away and spent quality time together. It was cheap and we are doing our "proper" honeymoon next year in the Maldives. You'll be okay in the end I'm sure, the run up to my wedding I was drinking almost a bottle of wine a NIGHT I was so stressed, I cried a lot, it all just gets on top of you.
Break it all down and tick one task of at a time, put "go to the GP" at the top of your list and be kind to yourself

[KatnissMellark]

I feel for you OP. We went through four rounds of IVF before I fell pregnant- started trying at 25 and finally fell pregnant at 30 via IVF. We started with twins and lost one and then went through a very hard period not knowing if the second would hang on.

We were also very open about IVF and the issues we've had with this pregnancy -one of the things I found hardest is pressure to be positive and hide my unhappiness from people who selfishly want to feel ok about the situation themselves. Other people don't like to see you unhappy but the pressure is just too much at times. Unfortunately IVF is not a miracle fix all- it is really fucking hard and success rates are low. It takes on average just over three cycles to fall pregnant and sometimes it never works. That's the harsh reality of the situation you face and the lack of acknowledgment of that can be incredibly frustrating, I have lost count of the number of times I've wanted to scream at someone to fuck off when they've told me to cheer up, relax, think positive etc...none of that is going to help the fact that DH has 100 times below the minimum amount of sperm required to fall pregnant naturally is it, or the fact that one of my babies died and we thought we'd lose the other...even now at 36 weeks people look at me like I'm crazy when I say I'm not taking anything for granted and I'll only be happy once this baby is safe in my arms.

The best advice I can give you is to find someone who understands (hard to do!) and use them as your listening ear. For everyone else, keep them updated (if you want to!) but avoid in depth conversations as they'll just drive you mad! Also, don't put everything on hold- you'll want to concentrate on IVF but for someone whose journey took so long I learned to just plan as if I wouldn't be pregnant therefore avoiding compounding disappointment by also missing out on the future stuff-holidays, honeymoon, hen do etc can all be cancelled/tweaked as needed, just have good insurance!

I really hope it all goes well for you and in a few months you are married and upduffed. It is shit but you will get through it one way or another

[whatthef30]

Thank you everyone. You are all so kind

I definitely do need to get across to people that the wedding is sorted and that's that. I've actually felt quite pissed off at people's "where will we be going later" questions. As if the room I've booked at a fancy London hotel isn't quite enough for them. I'm sure they don't mean it, but right now the idea of having to go out and party until 1am makes me feel quite ill. It's not there fault though in a way. I was a party animal until infertility bullshit stripped my personality away.

Katniss. Thank you so much for your lovely post. You are so right about wanting to scream at people. People keep telling me to think positive etc and you just want to punch them in the face. My bf asked me last week if we'd discussed working arrangements for after the baby is here. I had to gently break it to her that I can't even stand discussing such things because there might never be a baby.

I'm trying not to put things on hold, but it is so hard. This cycle is our only NHS one, after that it's self funded. We are dirt poor to start with, so I can't plan honeymoons, holidays etc as the money just won't be there if we need it for ivf. Plus we will have to go abroad and I'm so scared! I'm coming into a small inheritance soon and we'd like to use it for a house deposit. We can't plan that though cos we might need it for ivf instead.

I'm just fucking sick of it basically.

I'm so glad you are pregnant now (but so sorry you lost a twin) I wish you a healthy pregnancy with the beautiful baby you deserve at the end of it.

[whatthef30]

Their fault even...

[KatnissMellark]

Sorry whatthef30 I didn't mean to be insensitive about money,they were just examples of what you might put off because of IVF- another big thing for me was wondering what to do about my job, whether to change it, stick it out, go for promotion etc. What I was trying to get across is to at least try to keep doing what you want to do. It is so so hard though, and people just don't get it! Fingers crossed you'll be lucky first time

[MoosicalDaisy]

I would just like to advise, after my 2nd failed IVF cycle as of one week ago, that you should consider the difficulties that an IVF cycle brings. I'm guessing this is your first ever cycle, and that you will be doing the long protocol? This amounts to 7.5 weeks of drug taking, and waiting. This will have an emotional and physical affect on you during and after(!!), I could not imagine planning a wedding during a cycle (but everyone is different, it may be a wonderful distraction for you). The 7.5 weeks is also a minimum, because I responded to drugs well enough, if they need to up your doses, this could mean a longer cycle, you may not even respond to the drugs. So the earliest you are looking at finishing is May if you are starting in March.

Staying stress free is of the utmost important during a cycle. And you need 100% support from your DP

Here are some things that you may/will experience during your cycle:

General stress, anxiety, hormonal mood swings throughout and afterwards.
Bruising, and pain from injecting(legs). (I'd recommend some anaesthetising cream when you have to inject more than once a night)
Blood tests, numerous internal scans and time off for appointments.
When you move onto 2 injections, your ovaries/tummy will swell massively, making you look 4-5 months pregnant, this is very uncomfortable and and can be painful and will not go down for some weeks. Yes you will struggle to hide it.
Egg collection - going under and the pain afterwards, some people are fine, others like myself suffer pain for weeks afterwards.
After Embryo Transfer, you will be taking pessaries that will continue the effects of said bloated tummy, if you get a positive, you will continue taking these past June.

So you have all of that going on, if it's a negative, how will you deal with that emotionally, the struggles of IVF can break relationships.

I'm just trying to help you understand what an IVF cycle can be like. Please do your own research and read people's experiences of their long protocol cycles.

Good luck!!

[whatthef30]

No offence taken at all Katniss. I really appreciate your input.

I know exactly what you mean on the Job front. I'm currently doing something that's neither enough hours or pay. I'm scared to look for something else though because if potential future treatment.

Moosicaldaisy. Thank you so much for your comprehensive post. I'm going to be on the short cycle, but I must admit your time frames still terrify me. The more I'm thinking about it, the more inclined I am towards postponing the wedding. I'm so scared of the tummy swelling etc. I've got body image issues as it is, and shallow as it is to admit, looking all swollen in my wedding pictures will really upset me (unless I'm fat and pregnant of course)

My dp is supportive, but at the same time I don't feel like he really appreciates the hell I'm going through. My mother is 300 miles away. I feel so alone and scared

[whatthef30]

I'm so sorry your cycle didn't work by the way. Infertility is so unspeakably shit

[MoosicalDaisy]

You're welcome. Of course short protocol makes sense, so once you start, you'll begin swelling straight away, so for short protocol take 2 weeks off... you'll get less bruising so it's something!

I know what you mean about the pics... you only get married once right. I'm just suggesting, take things one step at a time and look after yourself.

And thank you, we can't afford another for a few years now, tummy is halfway there but i've put on weight too. Today marks my first walk without pain, onwards and upwards!

[YesICanHearYouClemFandango]

Ah love. I have been there and remember all too well how shit it felt. I HATED people trying to be positive and insisting that it WOULD happen - it felt like they were invalidating my pain somehow. They couldn't possibly know that it would happen; they were just wilfully ignoring half the facts. It felt like they were refusing to acknowledge all the uncertainty I was facing and everything that could potentially go wrong. I'm the kind of person who always expects/prepares for the worst-case scenario. It's self-protection.

I have a 2 year old DS now. (Conceived with IVF - I can't get pregnant without it). I'm still in shock to be honest! Like you, I was so afraid that it would never happen. It took 5 years but we got there. But those 5 years were the hardest of my life. My DP was very supportive and tried his best to understand and be there for me, but I don't think he ever truly "got it". I think it's a biological thing - infertility often seems to have a more profound effect on the woman. (Not always, of course - I hope that doesn't offend anybody). And of course fluctuating hormones don't help matters.

Anyway, I just wanted to offer you a hand-hold and tell you you're definitely not alone

Oh also - having just said all that about people annoying me by being positive - I did the short protocol too. Physically I found it absolutely fine. I had a little bit of bloating but no more than I usually get from PMS/IBS. I definitely didn't look 4/5 months pregnant! In fact I think the hormones agreed with me - I had lovely clear skin and people kept saying how well I looked. Hopefully you will be lucky too.

Best of luck with everything, whatever you decide to do, and for you and everyone who is going through similar.

[whatthef30]

Thank you yesIcanhearyou. Ugh, you're so right about the people refusing to discuss your fears with you. It does totally invalidate your feelings, although of course that isn't what people intend. I was speaking to dp last night and he was saying how brave I am. I don't feel brave. I'm absolutely bloody terrified!

Glad to hear short protocol wasn't too bad for you and so happy you got there in the end. Although obviously sorry for anyone having to go through this shit in the first place.

Dp and I had a good talk last night and atm we are swaying towards postponing the wedding. I don't know how I feel about that. Half relieved and half cheated/angry. I've waited a long time to get married at pushing 40! To delay again seems so unfair.

Infertility just totally, totally sucks

[Patienceisvirtuous]

Hi OP.

Your story really resonated with me. I got married last year (small wedding) in the midst of (years of) recurrent miscarriage/infertility hell at 38 y/o.

Only citalopram has kept me sane (just about - have mostly muddled through in empty/sad/stressed state with glimmers of happiness here and there). I can empathise with everything you said. Tbh, I didn't do much planning. We had reg office wedding with immediate fam (so ten of us), nice lunch afterwards. Then back to my parent's for drinks, cake, and later finger food/dancing. About another 15 people joined us. We had a really lovely day and getting married definitely made things a little better (just felt lovely, and right and like something good in amongst the crap).

I'm 39 now and six month pg (conceived just before I was about to start ivf) ...it's been a miserable pg where everyday I'm waiting for it all to go horribly wrong (probably a by-product of the rmc and not helped by having to stop the a/d's) but that's where we are. I still feel a bit numb - I don't think we get through this stuff unscathed (the scars will forever run deep).

I think you have to do what's right for you re the wedding. And taking the pressure off yourself. Know that things can and do change, but until it happens to you it means fck all. Also know though, you're never alone. There will always be women/couples going through exactly the same and who know how you feel.

I really hope your ivf journey is successful. Also, am a listening ear if you ever need a pm chat xx

[whatthef30]

Thank you Patienceisvirtous. Your message is very kind.

So happy to hear you are pregnant now, but I totally hear you regarding infertility changing you. I think of myself in before and after terms. The before me loved pretty clothes, nights out, cocktails and fun. The after me thinks all those things are pointless and without merit because I can't have a baby

Your wedding sounds lovely Glad you managed to work out something that suited you. My main issue has been my friends enthusiasm running away with them. It's turned into "you MUST have a night do/hen night/girlie pamper night beforehand/getting ready pictures on morning" and it's just all made me panic. I feel like nobody believes me when I say I want a simple wedding. I just want to marry my dp!!

I wish you a continued healthy pregnancy and a beautiful lot at the end. All the best

[whatthef30]

I meant lo, but perhaps you'll get a lot as well

[INeedNewShoes]

Can you get your friends together, or at least speak to one of them and confide in them about how overwhelmed you are feeling and that you're struggling to cope as it is and need to keep the run up to the wedding as low-key as possible because you've just got too much going on at the moment. They're just trying to make a fuss of you which is lovely, so I think you need to be very open with them about why you are resisting.

Having said all that, I know you probably feel inclined to hibernate at the moment but that will not help your mental health, so maybe a night in with a friend or two just watching a DVD or playing a board game or something easy might be light relief for you.

[whatthef30]

I did tell them last week that I'm feeling very stressed with it all. They've all backed off a bit since then.

It's the issue of the night do that's stressing me most. I just wanted to have the afternoon reception and then those who want can stay on in bar for drinks, or we could swank off to another nice hotel for a posh Mayfair pub crawl🙂 I think the issue is that everyone has these ideas about what you "have" to do for your wedding. Whereas in my experience every wedding night do I've attended has been an endurance test for everyone present

Dp would have preferred his parents to not even come, but we couldn't do it without really infuriating his dm. More stress!

Your right about the hibernating. I can't be arsed to do anything as I feel so crap about myself!

[whatthef30]

You're right even!

[INeedNewShoes]

Just stick to your guns. I think your wedding plan sounds fab, and you're quite right that a lot of weddings end up feeling like an endurance test by the time its 10pm and you'd rather be at home with a cup of tea

Don't succumb to the pressure to tick every box of people's 'normal' wedding schemes.

Please don't hibernate too much. It really won't make you feel any better

[whatthef30]

Exactly INeedNewShoes. I thought I was doing people a favour by not forcing them to endure it Who wants to be dragged from one end of London to another all day? ( because we sure as shit can't afford a night time reception in Mayfair too) I certainly don't!

I will try not to hibernate too much. I know it's not healthy. Dp and I going out to Greenwich later, so that's a none hibernation start.