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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I wasting my time?

41 replies

GodfreyAndJane · 20/02/2017 06:41

I've been dating/seeing a man for almost 11 weeks now. We met through work but we don't work together and our meeting was a complete fluke.
We see each other once/twice a week (we alternate between staying over at his or my place), text every day and speak on the phone a couple of times a week. We spent Valentine's together.

He seems lovely, and kind. We never stop chatting and laughing when we are together and the sex is amazing (sorry it tmi). I really like him.

However, I've never done this whole dating thing and I'm unsure on how to move it forward. On our first date he said he wanted to take it slow, which is fine, I have a ds (who I have no intention of rushing them meeting or anything) and he has commitments so going slow was good. But how slow is slow? At what point should it move into a relationship. I feel ready to make that step but don't want to rush it scare him. We've agreed we arent seeing anyone else and he told me he considered us more then dating but what is that?

Also, as not to drip feed, he has 2 hobbies that he goes to pretty much every evening. One is a set time and day, which he attends ever week
But the other is flexible but he attends with a friend . Every time we arrange to meet in the week, which means he can't attend or will have to alter the time he always says 'I'll have to check with friend to make sure that's ok'. It's always 'been ok' and we've never not met but still, it raises slight alarm bells with me however I know after 2/3 months he can't be expected to change his whole life for me, and I obviously don't mind him doing his hobbies, but I do like spending an evening with him in the week.

Sorry that was really long but I think I feel like I'm coming to a crossroads, we have such a good time and I don't want to do anything to jepordise it but at the same time, I need to know that I'm not wasting my time.

What do you think?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 20/02/2017 08:58

That's fine with me, Polly. I agree to disagree and leave it there. You carry on scolding and trying to pick a bunfight - tell it to the hand.

PollyPerky · 20/02/2017 09:33

Expat why is anyone who disagrees with your comments picking a bunfight? If you don't like anyone saying they think differently, don't accuse them of 'fighting'. I didn't do that to you. I am happy to debate a topic without labelling it 'fighting'.

PollyPerky · 20/02/2017 09:36

Iam maybe he belongs to a running group? Or he's goalie for 5 a side and they need a replacement if he's not there? Or he plays squash and hi usual partner is let down if he's not turning up that week.
There are millions of possible scenarios. The point is, he'd be in the wrong to ditch hobbies and long term friends for an 11 week long 'relationship'.

Baconbinge · 20/02/2017 09:49

Please don't see the hobby thing as a red flag after 11 weeks. From the sounds of it he has had these hobbies for a long time, trying to stop or change this will only push him away. He sounds like a great guy, and i agree you should just enjoy this time. If things start to get more serious you will probably find he will change his schedule more to include you, but only if there isn't any pressure on him to do so. Let him choose to do it, your relationship will be a much happier one.

I am a big believer in people having hobbies outside of a relationship anyway, i think it is important to always keep your own identity and have your own space. Have you thought of starting a new hobby

category12 · 20/02/2017 10:46

Fella hasn't been in a relationship for 3 years. Does he sit around pining and having no life? Nope, he pursues hobbies.

Now he has a relationship of 11 weeks, no less, it's worrying he has hobbies to fill his time?! Extraordinary.

OP, it's early days, he rearranges things for you, you don't even know what you want to move it along into. It's maybe worth establishing if he would call you his girlfriend, if it makes you feel better. But it's not quite 3 months in, it all seems within bounds to me.

Original poster

GodfreyAndJane · 20/02/2017 10:54

Thanks again for all your responses. I don't want to say what his hobbies are as one is quite niche. Just to be clear, I am in no way wanting/expecting him to give up his hobbies, I too am a big believer in having your own life outside of a being in a relationship and would never dream of asking him to give them up. I also have a hobby that I pursue once a week plus I have my son so I'm busy as well, I suppose I was just worried that things weren't moving a long as they should be but now that I've sat and skived thought about it at work, hes lovely, he keeps in touch, he isn't flaky (like my ex was), he makes a real effort to arrange things I'd like and he is trying to rearrange his schedule so we can spend a bit more time together. All looks positive to me, I think I was just having a big wobble.

As I said before, I'm not going to stress now, it's such early days and I need to enjoy this time together as it's special!

Thanks again!

OP posts:

ColumbosCousin · 20/02/2017 10:54

Live in the moment!! When women stopped being such strategists and started being fully animalistically present in the moment instead

What a wonderful way to put things Les!

I have nothing to add, except delay as long as possible till he meets your son, honestly and truly, only when its really serious I would say. I speak from experience!

WannaBe · 20/02/2017 11:08

IMO this is one of the biggest issues with modern-day dating. Instead of meeting someone, continuing to see them and essentially being in a relationship from the get-go even if it's not been expressed in words, we now have this situation where two people meet, they see each other a few times, they sleep together, and still they have to have the exclusivity chat. bizarre.

Given it seems that you've been seeing each other for three months and aren't seeing anyone else, see each other regularly you are in fact in a relationship. You don't have to declare it on FB or the like, but you are in a relationship. It's up to you how you define it.

In terms of going forward, well, if you're not ready to introduce the kids/friends/parents etc then don't. Just Cary on as is and see where time takes you.

As for his hobbies, far better that he has hobbies than that he be expected to drop everything and be available to see you or in fact demand to see you regardless of your own life. Far more balanced this way.

Original poster

GodfreyAndJane · 20/02/2017 11:20

columbus I have no intention of introducing him or any man to my son for a long time yet. In the 3 years I've been split from his dad my poor ds has met 6 of his dad's 'girlfriends' so I have no plans to introduce even more confusion into his life.

I would be willing to meet his friends wanna but I suppose it's a case of when that happens. I am going to relax now and see how it goes, if in 3 months I'm still unsure that that will be completely different

OP posts:

Ladylouanne · 20/02/2017 11:22

You remind me of myself OP! I'm 18 months into a relationship and was exactly the same after about 3. I had to do some fairly major taking to myself to maintaining n some perspective. I think it actually came from insecurity - I was worried about losing him, rather than actually wanting more than was happening at the time iyswim.

I'd say it was about a year in when I felt the need to have a bit of a 'talk' but that was really just to get some assurance that he saw us continuing to be together (he was). At 18 months there have been no conversations about living together etc which I think would horrify some on mumsnet, but logistically i just can't see how we'd do it. It might be different in my case though as we're a bit older I think and past the having kids stage etc.

TheStoic · 20/02/2017 11:32

I'd not be happy if a new man wanted me to ditch my other activities just to see him.

A relationship - especially a new one - should be a bonus in an otherwise full life.

LesisMiserable · 20/02/2017 11:38

I have to say I've been with my DP for two and a half years and we are getting married in the summer - we dont live together , in fact we live around 60 miles away from each other, we wont be living together for at least a couple of years yet either - and we're both completely content with that - the thought that discussing living together is a natural step a year in or something is up I find terrifying tbh. An awful lot of stuff on this board is about problems arising from jumping into sharing a living space 24/7 because it's just what you do - so many unneccessary problems and ishoos ...

Ladylouanne · 20/02/2017 11:57

LesisMiserable - I totally agree with what you've just said. I can be perfectly happy with my relationship then read comments of the 'you should discuss moving in after a year' variety, and suddenly start wondering what we're doing wrong.

The short answer is - nothing!

LesisMiserable · 20/02/2017 12:00

I can honestly say I've never been happier or more glad to see my other half than I am now in this relationship. I get excited every time he's on his way to me or vice versa. As I say we live 60 miles apart but one way or another we see each other every day either in the morning as we leave or the evening as we arrive..we're happy and we don't question it (that way madness lies )

Original poster

GodfreyAndJane · 20/02/2017 12:07

lady that's exactly what it is!! I'm just worried he's going end things as it's all going so well and I've never really had that before. But anyone can make a commitment to another person and then just walk away anyway I suppose so I just need to relax.

les you're so right, I felt quite content but then you read about what should be happening or where you should be and it makes me panic. I'm just going to zone all of that out, you sound very content and that's what I want

stoic I've already said I am not and would not expect him to give up his hobbies, I would never ever want/ask that

OP posts:

TheStoic · 20/02/2017 21:46

stoic I've already said I am not and would not expect him to give up his hobbies, I would never ever want/ask that

So what do you want?

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