My husband is always angry

[user1487537688]

Hi, I don't normally post anywhere so please be kind and apologies in advance for the rant. I am a married mum with 2 kids (3 & 1) and my husband and I disagree a lot. Having been together for nearly 15 years I'm not sure whether any relationship should ever be this frustrating. We don't have any family nearby and our kids would not stay without one of us so we don't really ever have any alone time to talk.
More and more he just seems to get angry, he doesn't hit but is always shouting at me. It just seems that everything is always my fault. He is a bit ocd so like things cleaned and done in a particular way and I am far from a domestic goddess. Most arguments are because he thinks I'm lazy and do nothing eventhough I cook, look after the kids, will be working full time again, dust and clean the bathrooms. In all fairness to him, he does everything else, and I mean everythIng I'm not sure whether I am just being lazy or he is wrong getting angry at me. He will never or has never apologised to me and im only posting as I don't like the kids hearing it. We can go days without talking once he has shouted and it's always me who breaks the ice.
He just acts like the world is out to get him but them blames me for everything without reason. Recently I asked him whether he would consider moving abroad and he shouted at me saying if I hadn't asked him to buy a new house (we just moved) he would have considered it and basically blamed me. I had to calmly say it's not like we're moving or I've been asked by work as the kids were there. He seemed really frustrated at me. Also I had to recently tell him that when I was promoted he said to me you're so lucky, just fluke your way through life. He hadn't at all considered my feelings.
I'm not going to leave him and feel he would be very angry if I suggested anger management or to see someone but again not sure what to do. Again not sure if it's my fault.

But if you're determined not to leave, he will know this. He will know he can do whatever he wants and you won't go.

In my opinion this is a highly abusive relationship. I would be at the doctor's for help if someone treated me like that.

I don't know what you want us to say. You can't change the way he is. He won't change the way he is. What alternative is there?

And be aware your children may well grow up to be very angry, too.

It's not your fault. And you can't change him.

And you're right: it's not great that the kids see this.

It takes two to make a successful relationship. You can't hold this marriage together by yourself.

In all honesty, if your relationship ended, would you look back with fond memories?

He sounds absolutely draining. I think maybe before you go back to work take the kids 'on holiday' to visit grandparents?? for a week or two without him and see how you feel.

Read the pinned post

It's abuse. You know what to do.

He sounds like a domineering bully tbf.

He doesn't see you as his partner, your his emotional punch bag. You do know that abuse escalates? God help your poor kids if your determined to stay with a so called man like that.

Op neither of you are happy and your dc are being brought up with parents that shout, huff, don't speak and don't interact nicely. This is a bad relationship example especially as you've said you've got no family near by. They'll think your dysfunction is normal. Is that what you want?

He's totally worn you down, find some strength. Have counselling yourself, don't accept this abuse from him.

I'm not sure whether I am just being lazy or he is wrong getting angry at me

He's wrong to be getting angry at you. Read up on emotional abuse because that's what he's doing to you.

He sounds emotionally abusive, tbh. And as pp said, if you are determined not to leave him, he will simply continue to treat you like this. If he wouldn't be willing to consider anger management, then you apparently have a simple choice: 1. Stay and be treated like this for the rest of your life. 2. Leave. Sorry to be blunt but it doesn't look good

Lundy bancroft would call him The Blamer.

I bet you are walking on eggshells the whole time, doing everything you can think of to avoid inconveniencing him st the expense of your own needs

Has he always been like this or worse since you had children?

Like others I can't advise as I was in a similar position but chose to end the marriage.I couldn't make my husband behave better towards me, no changes unless they want to.

My only suggestion is there a family member he would listen to? Ultimately you have to decide if you can tolerate this..I would question why you would tolerate his behaviour as it's awful for children to witness their mother being bullied.

You're not prepared to leave him but if you stay you'll screw up the kids lives. And yours.

I have posted over the years similar to yours. I am 20+ years into a marriage and lived with the same type of stuff...always my fault, too soft with the kids, would not have let me stay home with the kids if he knew how bad I would be at it ( he said he should have stayed home with them), when I load the dishwasher, he reloads it " properly", tells me how to put the towels on the towel rack, how to do laundry, make a bed and lots of rules that don't make sense. such sink plugs must be placed beside the sink, not in them, as they catch the food in the sinkand look messy.

It never gets better no matter how much you try. And believe me I tried. I did not want the kids to grow up in a divorced home. But no matter how hard I tried to keep quiet, go along with the " rules" and his ideas on how we live, more criticism came my way.

And it is not good for the kids I know see. My oldest DD barely tolerates him ( she is a young adult now). The teen age boys pretend to go along but behind his back break the " rules' and complaint about how there are 2 sets of rules in the house. Ones for us and one for him. When they call him on breaking the rules himself, he plays the victim and says it is the only time he has ever done it.

I will stop now. A crisis hit me recently and ended up using my employee assistance program. In describing my life, the counsellor looked at me and said she thought I was living with emotional abuse.

I in in process of starting the separation and terrified but feeling strangely free at the same time. The house is quiet and I don't worry about all the rules.

I am sorry to tell you it won't get better. You can try and maybe your situation will be different but just trying to keep quiet and be a " good " wife won't work because I am learning...it was never about you in the first place. Good luck. I hope you get strong.

SerenityMom

In reply to a few comments, he wasn't always like this and we do have many happy memories. It's almost as if when he's stressed he doesn't know how to deal with it. Right now I guess he's worried about money and the house. From previous conversations with him I think this was his childhood growing up (but worse) his parents are still together and I'd imagine to him this is normal. I want to help him see but don't know how without making him upset/ angry. Serenity mum your situation sounds very familiar!!

He is controlling you. You won't say anything negative because of his reaction. Read some of the support threads here, and the Lundy books. Abusers have a type and he is an emotional abuser.

Read what Serenity Mom said, and read it a few times.

Now think about how often your kids are going to come and visit once they're grown, if you're still with this fucktard.

oh the rules! I remember I used to rinse out the glass jug of the coffee maker with boiling hot water when I was making coffee, because well, I thought it made the coffee a bit hotter. He said that that wasn't in the instructions so he forbade me from doing it. Or tried to. He argued with me every time and every time I would say ''that's YOUR way, this is my way''' and he just wouldn't leave it. My way was not a way at all, it was wrong. It was not in the instructions. Once when he was at work I got a bus somewhere when there was a train to the same destination. He got annoyed at that, even though he was at work when I was on the bus. I said I want to see the route that the bus takes. He just didn't understand that I had my own way of doing things and I didn't try to force it on him but all of his rules and ways were oppressively forced on me. I had forgotten the many rules he had, following them so religiously was as ridiculous as my way seemed to him. he used to tell me I did everything the lazy way, the wrong way, always taking short cut, or ignoring recipes, or adding an ingredient. God it was a nightmare. I had PTSD for a five years after leaving him tbh. I mean it wasn't all bad I had more happy moments immediately as soon as I left but I was a wreck for years.

ps when I read the lundy bancroft book (after i left) i realised that he had trained me brilliantly to do things his way. I had minor rebellions like rinsing out the coffee pot with boiling hot water but basically it was a tiny meaningless rebellion. Everything else, the way our lives were structured suited him at my expense and he had me so well controlled with bursts of fake rage and indignation and also moods, and martyred silences that after 7 years with him I was just really well trained to meet all of his needs and accommodate him 100% of the time and I was losing track of what made me happy. I just felt so much relief when he wasn't cross that I mistook not pissing him off for feeling content.

If it is stress and he doesn't know how to deal with it, then he treats other people like this too, right? At work? His friends?

If not, then why you? At some level, he must think it's OK to treat you like this.

I can see that you'd like to help him see how destructive his behaviour is and how he can change it. But can you really imagine him taking your point of view seriously enough to listen, seek help and go through years of therapy to unlearn all his childhood taught him?? It's not a case of one heartfelt conversation and you can put all this behind you!

I read "the verbally abusive relationship" by Patrick Evans really validating.My stbxh didn't name call but was verbally abusive as defined by this book.It's all about gaining power over you.I really suggest you get it and understand what is going on.