How to make things better with my husband

[harrasedmom]

Sorry for the long post. I suppose I'm just writing to get some release. I'm worried for my marriage and don't know how to make things better.

My husband has a strong personality which was one of the attributes that I was attracted to when we first met 10 years ago. He was charming, polite and very complimentary. Fast forward 10 years and we bicker every day. I find myself isolated as we have a very small immediate family (they don't know what is going on" and I have no close friends. We both are professional working full time.

My husband is very vocal about things. An example if I've put on too much weight he will tell me. If I'm wearing something unflattering he will tell me with out being asked. He often tells me that I'm "doing things wrong" and of course he states our sex live is boring and virtually non existent as we argue a lot. His new comment is "I moan at him all the time", "I sulk","other wife's don't do this", "i cant wait to get back to work away from you" my list could continue for many hours. He constantly states that he works long hours, is trying to renovate our house and do child care and that he does "everything". The thing is he doesn't, I also work full time, with a long commute in a stressful job and take as much responsibility with childcare yet I don't feel the need to constantly shout about it. I cook, clean, (which he states I don't do properly), washing shopping, homework and help with DIY when I can. We both pay the bills. What I don't understand is that he wont accept the hurtful, comments he makes cannot be swept under the table. If I bring them again when he calms down again "I'm whinging". He constantly makes loud "sighs" to things he disapproves on such as house being untidy, my driving etc If I comment on it "I'm starting an argument".

We tried marriage counselling last year for 6 months but had to stop due to work commitments. On a couple of occasions his charming façade slipped and he said some hurtful comments which the marriage counsellor stated were unacceptable.

I'm sure I'm not the easiest person to live with and have many annoying traits. Yet my husband calls me volatile, spoilt, demanding etc. Yet I have never ever be called this by anyone other than my husband in fact its the way round as people tell me m too generous and too soft. It is like having a relationship with a sulky teenager! Yet when he meets other people work colleagues etc you would never know, he is Mr Charming!

I feel when I look at him now he has already given up on us. He seems to have lost interest in me. Yes I've put on weight since we have met and don't feel so attractive but so has he, yet I still love him dearly. I have said so many times to him that I do not want to separate which feels ironic to me because he's so demanding and shows little interest in saving us. I worry he has interest in some one else as he is so critical of me. My self esteem is so low.

I don't know what I'm asking for on this forum, I know there is not a magic answer. Sorry for the long post but I needed to vent.

He sounds like a bullying, self-absorbed bastard!

Can you list reasons you love him, and why you're with him?

Its not OK for him to be mean and critical so much, I just isn't. I went out with someone like this (also charming at first!); and it finished us, because he would n't accept his insults were inappropriate, and it ground me down, so that, even tho I knew he was being horrible, I kept thinking of how he saw me (fat and ugly), and it soured everything...
You could try counselling again, with a focus on what would need to change for the relationship to work for you (let him know very clearly that it is make or break). If he doesn't start to try to change then, I think you need to accept that he's an inveterate arse, and leave him.
Oh, and if he doesn't like the state of the house, why doesn't he sort it?? If you both work full time, he should have equal responsibilities for household chores - so you could tell him that needs to change too, and maybe draw up a rota, so he knows you're serious.
Lots of luck OP.

If you still work try to focus on your job a bit.
Get a cleaner for house and frozen meals for the week nights - basically try to distance yourself a bit

Keep a tallyvof nasty comments is a great idea rAndom - expect don't show it to him - he'll only turn it back on you somehow. Keep it for yourself and reread it every time you doubt that you need to leave or make radical changes in your marriage

He is never going to admit that he is abusive. When you understand that, you will know what you need to do.

Harrassedmum: do others treat you like he does? Do you tip toe around him and do things so he doesn't get angry?

In the last week my ex has said nicer things and been nicer than in the last few years. He still doesn't accept it was that bad but he's totally eroded me comment by comment bit by bit.

I'm sure you have but not taken it further because it's scary, but start thinking of exit strategies. You've tried counseling you've done your bit. Only he has the power to change himself. Lay down some deal breakers. Mine was uncontrolled rage and insecurities. Both broken within a week. Now I'm the love of his life he's broken blah blah blah.

Still hadn't asked me how I am and o had to be the one to leave, it's still all about him. Men like him don't see value in you, and you need to believe yourself. You're worthy of love, you're worthy of better. Now if I could just convince myself ;) keep posting it helps xx

Yes, I made a list of what jobs/chores I and my ex did for a few days, when things were unravelling (we had been to counselling, and doing enough round the house was a major area we had discussed).

A good friend had said that I must be exaggerating when I said he did very little, and that I needs to work on seeing the positives in the guy. So I made the list, and showed my friend. She read it and said 'OK, you should end this, you're right'.

Even if your OH never sees it, a list of what he criticises, and what he does (and what you do) will help you get perspective.

inneedofaholiday2017 under no circumstances would he allow a cleaner. I prep dinner before I go to work (slow cooker) fresh veg and try to eat as healthy as possible for the children, but some nights we do have fish fingers so easy to do. He eats a limited diet so now "hes sick of eating all the same things". I cant win.

Thank you every one for the messages. When I want to pull my head out of the sand which could take some time I shall update the thread.

pudding21 I'm giving you a virtual hug. I'm also sorry your are going through this. At some point when we are ready will make a change. x

Dare him to leave. He's baiting you as he doesn't think you've got the confidence to do anything about his behaviour.

Tell him he should leave if he's so unhappy with you.

He won't be expecting you to say that. You need to take him by surprise. Call his bluff, it'll throw him and most likely he'll back track. He wants to keep up public appearances and thinks you need him. But he needs you. You have the upper hand even if it doesn't feel that way.

You said you were independent and confident in the past, it's still in there, you need to stand up for yourself and don't be afraid of the consequences, whatever they are you can handle them, you handled challenges in the past, you have it in you to do the same again if needed.

You said up the thread you wanted the old, confident you back. The only way that will happen is if you get rid of the person who is slowly eroding whatever self esteem you have left.

I think you have 2 choices; you can leave or you can stay and not pay any attention to what he is saying. I have found the second to be very effective. My dh didnt want a cleaner, but unless he was going to do it he didnt get to make that decision so i got a cleaner. I no longer feel responsible for the cleaning (although i still do the majority) so i don't care. If he doesn't like the meals, just raise an eyebrow and say "that's a shame"
Try out not giving a shit, what have you got to lose? I would guess he will be stumped when you're not biting the bait.

Thanks cheeseandpinapple. That's what I said to him today "if I make you that unhappy do something about it" that's when he said "dont dare me to leave". I've asked for some space for the next few days and now he says "I'm trying to stop him seeing the children" and this isn't the case at all. I just want him to have a few days to himself so he can reflect on his actions and make and informed choice about the future but yet again he turns it back around.

I agree Velvian I'm going to try.

With every update he sounds worse, op!

I know leaving isn't easy, but think about what he is actually bringing to your life. He seems to be steadily eroding your confidence and self-respect.

This bastards done a number on you, he's EA and got you thinking it's all your fault. There's more to life than walking on egg shells. My ex was the same picking at me over my weight,my appearance everything best thing he did was leave me I wish I had the courage at the time to end it but I was too embrassed, he wore me down to the point I thought it was all my fault. He too was very charming to everyone on the outside but an abusive arsehole to me. Get out if you can this won't get any better trust me

If you carry on engaging with his version of the "truth" you will still be stuck in this hell 10 years from now

He wouldn't " allow" a cleaner - he's a controlling abusive cunt.

It sounds like your marriage is an exam and your DH spends his whole time telling you you're failing it. He's a nasty miserable git.

Am I right in understanding that you both work full-time but you do all the cooking and the lion's share of all the other chores? And that he criticizes you relentlessly? And that he then has the nerve to complain about your sex life?

Foreplay starts outside the bedroom. My DH would flirt with me hours before bedtime and we'd laugh our way into bed. We're attracted to people who make us feel sexy. It's impossible to be sexually attracted to a man who keeps being unkind and bitter.

You have every right to hire a cleaner, and to do anything else that makes your life easier. However long term I think the solution is going to have to be divorce.