Having DS has reopened the wounds from my parents

[LlandudnoLlandudno]

DS is a year old and despite a tough start adjusting to being a parent I am loving being his mum. He is my joy and the most wonderful thing in the world. I love him more than I ever believed possible and I want him to have a wonderful life and I will do everything in my power to help that happen.

I am struggling however with how my feelings for him have reopened the pain of how my parents have treated me. As I snuggle up with DS I realise that I have no memories of cuddling my parents. I think I can count on one hand the number of cuddles and kisses I have received in my lifetime from them.

Everything I have done with my life I have been criticised for. I was a straight A student who never got into trouble, never smoked, never did drugs etc. Yes I made some mistakes as a teenager, for example at 18 I wasn't great with money. My parents didn't give me pocket money but somehow expected me to save the money I made waitressing around school. I spent it instead on trips to the cinema with my friends and clothes etc. Things they wouldn't pay for. Despite being a mostly good child I was made to feel like the worst and a massive inconvenience to have around. I spent my life in fear crying myself to sleep often.

Reading posts on here about the cost of putting a child through uni I realise how little my high earning parents supported me. I had the minimum loan due to their earnings yet the money they gave me meant that after I had paid accommodation I had £10 a week to live on. I had a part time job and worked hard. I didn't go out and yet I was still in my overdraft when I left. Somehow that was all my fault too.

Every good thing that has happened to me has been a source of disappointment to my parents. When I told them I was moving in with now DH I was told that I was ruining my life. When we got engaged they disappointment down the phone was palpable. When I told them I was pregnant it was even worse. I was married and 26, living independently with a good job. It was a planned pregnancy and I was so happy. I was shaking with fear at the thought of telling them and did so from Spain as the distance made me feel safer.

Work has always come before me. When I was secondary school age they wouldn't give me a key to the house but would tell me to be home by 6. I knew if I weren't that by six I would be in so much trouble. Sometimes though they didn't turn up till past seven. It wasn't too bad in the summer but sometimes I was standing outside for over an hour in the dark and cold. They recently cancelled a trip to see DS because of work and it broke my heart that they are putting it before him too.

I could go on and in but this post is already really long. Since having DS I realise that I could never do any of those things to him and it makes me wonder what I could have done wrong to deserve the childhood I had. I can't understand what was so awful about me, why I was unlovable. I tried so so hard to be what they wanted me to be.

Its not your fault your parents are like this and you did not make them this way. Their own families of origin did that to them.

You do not need their approval (not that they would ever give this anyway) and I would certainly further lower the current level of contact.

Re counselling BACP are good and do not charge the earth; they are worth contacting.

I struggled too when I had my DC, re after school, was it a generation thing? because my parents never arranged after school care either but we were allowed a key from age 5 ish. we were not allowed to use anything other than the TV, I recall being very cold and lonely a lot.

My DM was having an affair and I think lied that she was with us, when we were home alone, my Dad was on a mission to "make us independent". Social Services would have a field day now. Both had "important" jobs.

I had some counselling, it really helped, I would recommend that you do too. However its unlikely that you will get closure from your parents neglect, they will see it as "just the way it was then". I once tried to broach the subject of lack of childcare and got no where, pure denial but I have managed to move on, I have a good relationship with my DM now although its not the relationship that friends have.

I don't know sticky, it didn't happen to any of my friends. Having a key would have been fine, I could have gone in and wrapped myself in my duvet and read but I was made to wait outside, sometimes in the rain :(

The lack of key was because I was bound to lose it. I have never lost a key in my life but to this day I tell people I am useless with them. It's been so drummed into me I actually believe it.

Hello fellow Llandudno MN member

I second how it affects the healthy expression (and even identification) of emotions.

Have you read any of Susan Forward's books? They at least helped me realise that there isn't something intrinsically 'wrong' with me

Hi OP. So sorry to hear how your parents treated you. It is 100% them and nothing at all to do with you or anything you did or did not do. I second the advice of seeking some counselling sessions. Maybe CBT too to help with expressing emotions in a healthy way?

I'm sure you are a wonderful mum to your DS. The fact you are realising how you have been impacted and are conscious not to repeat your parents' mistakes shows how much you care for him.

Take care

I agree with much of what you wrote Sandy, but disguising any form of toxic behaviour under "It's also worth remembering that some of our parents were from a different generation." is really dangerous.

You've misunderstood me.

I'm not disguising abuse, I was referring merely to the hugs and cuddles and the 'I love you' s'. I thought I made that clear.

I'm much more openly affectionate with my DC than my parents were, but I don't classify that as abuse.

They didn't lock me out, they stood up for me and they would never say they're disappointed in me as an adult. My DM, always says I'm a good mum and just because she didn't display affection as much as I do now, it's not abusive.

The OPs parents are in a different category and I haven't for a minute said what they did was okay because they're from a different generation in relation to the abuse.

The OPs parents are not just

I had a horrible childhood in many ways and I don't understand how mum made some of the choices that she did. I too don't remember any cuddles etc from mum at all (my dad fucked off when I was young).

As a result instead of going NC, I've gradually reduced my contact all the way down to just text messages and birthday/Xmas cards.

I've also and continue to do a lot to make sure I parent my dcs much better than mum ever did. I make mistakes and try and evaluate how better to do things and know I won't be perfect. But at least I'm trying.

Good luck OP. You have an awareness and can do better. You might have occasions when you're horrified as you realise you repeat things that your parents did (e.g. Under times of stress or new situations), but the key is to put them right and try and change.