I'm feeling really down about my life at the moment and just want to write it all down to get it off my chest. If anyone has any words of wisdom to help me get a grip, thank you, I'd appreciate it.
Dh suffers from anxiety and depression. He's getting better but this has been a long journey, lasting most of the time that we've had the dcs, to a greater or lesser degree. He's tried medication (unsuccessful) and therapy (much better) and spends a lot of time reading self help books. He has never been self pitying and has worked immensely hard to overcome this, but it's been hard on all of us and he's never been open about it with friends or my family so there's no one irl to talk to about it. Occasionally there are glimpses of the life and soul of the party man that I married, but these are few and far between. He is quite reclusive and seldom goes out. This makes me feel as though I shouldn't go out much either, so I don't.
I work full time - not my choice but I always was the higher earner and at the time Dh went part time he was really miserable in his job. He has since given up work completely to focus on trying to set up his own photography business. His work is fab and gets loads of positive responses on social media etc, but due to his MH issues his ability to market himself and get clients is very limited and therefore he makes very little money from it. We're pretty skint considering I earn a decent salary. It's getting more noticeable now that most of our peers have 2 incomes (due to Dcs getting older, SAHP going back to work) that we have a LOT less disposable income, a ten year old car, much smaller house, U.K. camping hols, very few meals out etc.
He's a great dad and has always done the school run etc., but doesn't really interact with the school mums (understandable) and I can't help but think the Dcs' friendships have suffered as a result, especially ds2 who is quite shy and would have benefitted from more play dates etc arranged in the playground.
Our eldest goes to secondary school in September and I really feel that I've missed out on the primary years due to always being at work. I've never been to a sports day and I've only done the school run a handful of times. The friendships I have with other mums have never gone beyond superficial because I don't have the regular contact or time to maintain them. I would have loved a third child but Dh was adamant we should stop at 2 and I capitulated. Now I feel that ship has sailed and it makes me sad.
I don't want to leave Dh. I love him, our boys adore him and we do have a generally happy home life.
I think I'm quite hard to live with at times because I just have this niggling undercurrent of dissatisfaction - a part of me that wants to shout and scream that this isn't what I signed up for with him. That he should just go and get a fucking job and be a provider for a change. That he has a dream bloody life going for a bike ride every morning, spending a few hours taking photos, arsing around on the Internet and hanging out with the kids, who prefer spending time with him because he's not always tired and stressed from work.
I know that is utterly unreasonable when it's not his fault he's been ill, but our lives are just drifting by and I feel like we're going nowhere.
If you've stuck with this thanks.