I know this won't end well but here we go...

[WoolieJumper]

DH and I have been together 8yrs. We have DC.

By nature he's someone who will plod along in life and is a steady kind of guy. I'm a bit more adventurous but not to any extremes, I just like life to not pass me by.

Over the last year or so, I've been increasingly discontent. He naturally needs less sleep than I do and I know I can't make him be tired but we always used to go to bed at the same time (when he had a different job, which meant he needed to get up earlier) and I really valued the time to chat, cuddle and just have a quiet half hour where we regrouped after a day (we both work FT)

As a compromise I've asked him to come to bed with me twice a week or so which is usually around 11.00/11.30 during the week and for the most part, he doesn't. He will if he wants sex though, which does grate as it feels like it's on his terms and for his benefit.

Obviously, this in itself isn't a massive, marriage-ending issue but is a symptom of other niggles. We don't seem to have any common interests, certainly not as many as we did when we first were married and I find his lack of imagination for things to do as a family very frustrating. He'd be quite happy to let the DC stay in all weekend, every weekend and whilst I don't mind doing this the odd weekend, it does get me down as I feel their weekends are being wasted but the default position is that I organise or plan something or else we do nothing.

I've been raising this as an issue with him for the last year or so, pleading with him to put more effort in to not plodding along in life and to invest time me and our marriage/our family but he doesn't. He thinks I'm being 'ridiculous' when I say I'm not that happy and want things to change. He's a great dad in the day to day stuff but it's like groundhog day.

And so the cliche begins...a very old flame got in touch towards the end of last year. We are both married although I'm the only one with DC. We have met up a couple of times and whilst there's been no sex, we have kissed and talked a lot about the road we are going down but we are certainly not star crossed lovers, or think that we are.

I know I'm playing with fire and it won't end well but I can't work out what to do for the best. I know this situation has come out of the discontent I've been feeling for the last year or so and I'm under no illusion that this old flame is a better option but the excitement is there and he's a part of my 'old' life that I was never really ready to let go and he's a lot more gregarious and proactive than my DH, which I like and admire.

I don't know how to make this situation better. In an ideal world, DH and I would come back from this as he's the father of my children but I don't know how many times I can talk to him about the same thing and he do nothing about it. He has an unwavering confidence in that we will be together forever but seems to forget that this takes work, on both our parts. But how do I make him realise the gravity of the situation without telling him my head has been turned? Or should I? I sometimes think that this is just him and I should accept we are different in this respect but he wasn't always like this. He's become lazy in making an effort, I suppose.

I know it's a cliche, I really do. I don't expect life to be full of excitement and romance but I do want to feel as though our marriage is being invested in. I book the weekends away, concerts, night's out etc. and he never ever does, even when he knows I find it important. Our weeks would follow the same routine if it were up to him - watching the same TV shows on each day, football on Saturday etc.

I know I'll probably get hauled over the coals for this but I want to get some practical advice before I get past the point of no return, in terms of my actions.

Alternatively, if this is just normal married life with DC then please tell me and I will suck it up!

We are both in our 30s with primary aged DC.

Also Woolie. The age your children are it you tend to be focused on that parent role. It's hard but in a few years you will have more time as a couple. At that point you have the shared memories and the background that will really enrich your life together. Don't throw that away lightly.

plus we were always 'unfinished business' for each other

Right that little chestnut

In truth society does not support the idea that someone has the right to end an unhappy relationship which is IMO one of the greatest reasons why people do end up having affairs. It's very easy to see the situation in black and white, where the affair partner is a bitch/bastard only after getting a quick shag while the cheated-on person is innocent and never did anything wrong other than to love and trust their partner.

Of course in many cases this is true, but in many others there is more of a story which people often don't want to hear. It's far easy to vilify one person while sympathising with the other and telling them they've obviously had a lucky escape.

Affairs are definitely not the answer, and having had one I can hand on heart say I would never, ever do it again. However, while I absolutely concede that I was in the wrong, the fact that my ex emotionally abused me for a large part of our marriage, accused me constantly of cheating even though I never did, had me followed when I went out, turned off the heating in the garage so I couldn't use it while he was out, threatened to kill my animals, isolated me from family and friends and the list goes on is seemingly irrelevant because I had an affair therefore I am a bitch while he was a poor innocent victim.

However, OP you say that for the most part you are relatively happy. Can you hold on to that and talk to him about what makes you unhappy? I don't believe that having your head turned must mean you need to leave the marriage, but it certainly means that there are fundamental issues which need to be addressed before affairs become a part of your every day life. Because even if you end it with this OM, if you don't speak to your H you will be in the same position again in a year's time because nothing will have changed.

Communication here is everything. And the OM needs to go tonight. Regardless of where you're at, he's married and not available to you, even if you were available to him.

Read what Gutinstinct said. Then read it again.

I think it's very much a case of whether this OK marriage, where I am sort of happy is enough is bad enough to end and rock my children's life.

If that really is your priority, you won't contact the other man again. Because that ^^ is exactly what will happen if you continue down that path. And it will be a million times worse for them if it happens that way.

Think long and hard before leaving your marriage. Boring and safe might seem unattractive, but a couple of years down the road, after you have left him, you might realise how lucky you were. My DH is a bit of a plodder, but I find my outlet in spending time doing things I like to do; joined a Zumba class, go to watch a movie with friends, visit family, go shopping with my teen daughter. A lot of marriages aren't perfect, but your DH does sound a good man, and does go along with you when you plan trips and nights out, even though it's you who has to arrange them. If you feel hes not giving you the excitement or stimulation you need, then leave him. There's a shortage of decent reliable men out there, so I'm sure he will be snapped up. Try and think of the OMs wife too, whose life would be turned upside down due to what you and her DH are doing, which is selfish beyond words.

OP,
Are you saying you've remained the same and your DH is the one who has changed here?

That the state of your unhappy marriage is entirely his fault?

People do change as times goes along, as do their priorities. Men often complain their wives change and aren't as fun as they used to be pre DC and marriage.

I've seen the search for excitement of wives in marriages end really badly.

Just for a minute focus on the consequences if your DH found out. Nobody ever thinks they'll get caught, but they do.

Affairs forever taint a marriage. Even if the betrayed spouse doesn't leave, it's always there.

Just have a read through the 'JFO' section of surviving infidelity (www.survivinginfidelity.com)
and you'll realise it's just not worth it. So many do what you're doing and regret it for the rest of their lives.

Thank you again, for your sound advice.

I think I need to have a sit down and think about what it is that's important to me in my marriage and what I'm happy to compromise on.

Dh is a good man, he genuinely doesn't deserve this so I'll be taking the advice of cutting them OM off and working through this myself, without adding him in to the mix. For clarity, I have never expected that to go anywhere but the fact it's got as far as it has made me evaluate why I haven't stopped it in it's tracks.

Neither of us is perfect here. Me definitely less so but I'm trying to put this right before I put a bomb under my marriage.

I think some open, frank conversations are in order as whilst as pretty innocuous they may seem, I need to know he values our marriage to put some effort in to keeping it alive otherwise I think it may be the end of the road for me. I need more than a housemate from a husband and he deserves more than I'm currently giving him.

SandyY2K I would say I'm pretty much the same as I was, when we met - outgoing and likes to socialise. DH was less so but that worked well for years but the last 12-24 months he has definitely got lazier and in that time, hasn't once suggested going for a meal, to see a film or a gig. He's quite happy to be indoors or play football.

I'm not looking for more, really. I'm just looking for what we had originally, which has disappeared almost entirely.

If you organise it, is he happy to join in? If so, I don't see the issue. You each do what you're good at.

Woolie I hope you can resolve this.

Can I ask - is there more that bothers you? Because in some ways these things (not coming up to the bedroom at night/not planning weekends out or away) don't seem so big and you say you love him. I can understand that his thinking your feelings are ridiculous, or however you phrased it, would be really upsetting.

You do seem to love him, yet your eye is turned by a new man (or rather old flame, I mean).

I know that feeling to some extent (of excitement with an old flame, although in my case he never really was a flame!).

For me, it is not so much the guy (in my case when I think about someone from my past) but it is who I was when we were first friends. I was young, slim, beautiful and care free. The man I am thinking of in my past is a vague friend now but never would anything happen in reality.

We both have partners and kids and imagining the hurt for them all would be a total turn off in every sense!

But as I say, it is thinking who I was when I knew him first, it is actually she (the younger me) I miss and not a chance romance. If this is in any way a reality for you then this is an issue you must settle for you, IMHO.

Woolie I am sorry you are unhappy. I hope you can find a way to make it work. My caution would be that an affair will potentially make everyone very unhappy, it will also hand your husband some ammunition he may well choose to use against you (and maybe rightly so as he would, I expect, be devistated).

I do not agree with GutInstinct that "The fact you haven't had sex is irrelevant here". I think the fact you have not yet had sex is a good thing, and relevant. Presumably you could have done so, but have held back, and I think this is wise.

I would make a break from him. Maybe the future may hold another man for you, or in a different set of circumstances, him, but not now.

My dh goes to bed before me almost every night. I feel very alert at night and love staying up. It is part of who I am. We need to find other times in the day to sit down and chat, over a cuppa sometimes or a glass of wine; we need to coordinate more about when we want sex so we are both in the bedroom at the same time! The dcs mean we won't be having sex in the living room!

In your shoes I'd just imagine the different scenarios.

Sex with this other man or a continuation of your 'emotional affair' which could lead to your husband and the other man's wife being heartbroken and maybe your dh filing for divorce/perhaps your OM choosing his wife after all; your children confused and upset; you painted as the baddie.

I don't think you are the baddie, maybe you are having your own mid life crisis, or maybe your husband in denying your concerns as ridiculous is actually taking you for granted.

My suggestion is: don't continue the 'affair', and don't rant when drunk or tipsy

Do -
Investigate counselling with relate or other
Explain to your dh you are not very happy and why
Suggest that you would both benefit from a chance to talk with someone else and maybe make things 'better' (potentially for both of you) in your marriage
Find ways to be intimate together outside bedtimes and maybe outside sex too

Lastly, a thought, you said "As a compromise I've asked him to come to bed with me twice a week or so which is usually around 11.00/11.30 during the week and for the most part, he doesn't. He will if he wants sex though, which does grate as it feels like it's on his terms and for his benefit."

I wonder if this means you do not feel like sex very often or you do and he ignores you and only comes to bed when he wants it?

I have to be honest and admit I am not very often in the mood for sex these days but when I and my husband have sex it has a kind of 'restorative' or 'healing' potential for our relationship. It makes me feel good about my marriage and my husband. I recognize in myself that my late night sitting up and not going to bed does sometimes damage things temporarily.

I think if you can explain things to your husband in such a way that he gets it, that his selfishness in staying up when you would like some alone time, is damaging your marriage, then he may be willing to find compromises.

Maybe the twice a week early to bed could become a reality.

Maybe he could come up and see you and then go back to his TV/computer/model trains or whatever he likes doing!

You say about the planning things, at weekends and the like, I can really see why this would also be a pain. Can you encourage him by planning things together?

You said "Over the last year or so, I've been increasingly discontent." Can you identify why things changed a year ago or what it was before the arrival of this old flame that changed things.

Good luck.

Cricrichan I see your point and I would tend to agree but more often than not, I feel like I have to make it extra fun/worthwhile to justify the outing and making them all leave the house.

Italiangreyhound You've raised some really good points and I'll get probably have to chew over a bit more. I think who I was back then is part of it and to an extent, I revert to that when I'm with him and it's definitely from a time where I had no commitments beyond the next night out. I've often said I feel like I'm playing at being a 'proper' adult, so maybe you're on to something there?

Either way, I need to take a good long look at how I've ended up here and where I go from here, before a decision is made for me.

Italiangreyhound You speak a lot of sense and your last post resonates with me, thank you.

Yes, OM and I could have had sex and we haven't. I think we are both worried about the implications once that line has been crossed.

Dh and I have a relatively good sex life but I have explained to him time and time again that when he stays up late 90% of the time and then on the 10% of the time comes to bed and is looking for sex, it riles me as I need the mental as well as the physical side of intimacy (it's computer games btw!). The sex is good and restorative, as you've said.

I suppose, in the early days, he would tend to come to bed with me and chat, even if he didn't feel tired and often go back downstairs to play his games, once I'd nodded off so it saddens me he doesn't feel that it's worthwhile spending that time with me anymore.

In terms of planning things, I often ask him what he would like to do and encourage any ideas he has but mostly I get 'I don't know/mind' which is hard work. Or I can see him mentally calculating whether it will clash with football matches.

I'm not sure what's changed over the last year or so, maybe nothing major or maybe I've just listened to my niggles more/they've become more prevalent? I had some shitty relationships previously (OM not included in that) so I did like his steadiness mixed with bursts of fun but the latter has seriously dwindled over the last couple of years.

Woolie seek out the fun, find it, it may still be there, wake him up! But if you cannot, then you can at least work out what to do knowing you've given it your best shot! XXX

I don't understand why you, and others, are accusing your DH of being lazy or why you think he needs to be like you. It's not a character flaw to enjoy being at home & not be going out/socialising all the time.

I do understand you'd like to go to bed at the same time, so why don't you stay up later with him?

If you're not happy, you're not happy, but I don't think you're being very fair blaming your DH for not being like you.

It sounds as if you and your husband are at different stages of your life - he's settling into middle age early and you're still feeling that life has more to offer than just being 'mum and dad' who stay at home.

Seven years is meant to be one of the danger times for relationships - seven year itch and all that. I think it's when the 'is this it?' kicks in - the romantic glow has dulled and work and real life take the gloss off.

It's why it takes work - you need the hugs and closeness to keep the chemical that help build and reinforce the bond between you (oxytocin) levels up. It might be you need more than him and that's why he's happy to just plod along. If he's sitting playing computer games late at night they can stimulate the brain in ways that give him the buzz that you aren't getting.

You've got your kids now, and that helps with the bond, but what happens when they're up and grown - the twenty year ditch? You need to make him realise that whilst you know you love him, you need more from him than he's giving. You need to see him making the effort. Love doesn't conquer all. If it did there wouldn't be a relationships board.

AnnieAnoniMouse the OP has said it is her dh who has changed, not her. I know it can be normal to change throughout life but sometimes if we change a lot it could be very discerning for the other person. She married him when he was behaving one way and now that has changed.

If she is anything like my dh, she would not physically be able to stay up late, like her husband.

The grass is always greener, usually because it's been fertilised with bullshit, I've been there, be careful

AnnieAnoniMouse it's not about socialising but I don't want my DC's life go be endless hours of watching YouTube/playing computer games because that's what he'd allow them to do all weekend, if I didn't suggest taking them out. I don't think him thinking of taking them to the park is exactly groundbreaking.

And I do stay up late with him, if I can but I'm up for work at 6am so I have to make sure I'm getting enough sleep to function properly in work.

maggiecate as I said up thread, having enough shared interests to see us through the DC flying the nest, is my biggest concerns. Eventually they won't be the thing we always have to talk about (or at least I hope they are that low maintenance) and so I wish he'd put the legwork in again so we aren't storing up trouble for the future.

Counselling is futile if you are not willing to disclose your EA.

I can fully back how frustrating it is to always be the one to get the family out of the house, make plans, book tickets, plan meals, do the shopping. It is wearing to be taken for granted.
I do find it frustrating when people post a negative comment without at least reading all the OPs posts. Good on you for deciding against more contact with the other bloke. Concentrate on your relationship and family first.

I've come to understand (and accept) that people don't change unless they want to. You can't change him - accept him.

My advice - lead by example. Live your life as you want it to be. It may rub on him. It may not.

Forget the other guy. He is interesting now, just as your husband was before, but if you live with him, you will most probably become bored with him too, or worse.

I think in general we are wrongly led to believe (by the press etc) that life has to be this great non-stop adventure and we should strive for constant happiness. Well, it's not... and we don't have to. The best life has security in it, which you then use as a base point of doing your hobbies, stuff that gives you purpose and meaning.

Thanks again for the sage advice/words of warning.

OM has now been blocked on every available method of communication. It was hard but strangely liberating.

Time to concentrate on my marriage and work out whether it can be repaired.

All the best to you all, hope you find what you need