I need to learn to like my MIL.

[Micycle]

It's hard. She treated, treats, DH like utter shit. Abusive childhood, mentally and physically, and issues that have still got a firm hold in adulthood. She abandoned him at 12, yet plays fucking earth mother when she can be bothered to talk to him about three times a year.

She's a manipulative twat. DH panders to her, and she tries to walk over me. She's reduced me to tears of frustration on occasion. I won't go into it too much, but just awful behaviour. Like telling her entire family I was infertile when she's ssssooooo supportive and wouldn't ever tell anyone we were having issues TTC. Failing to show up for big commitments because she gets a better offer, like not showing up the day before our wedding when she made such a song and dance about helping us prep the venue. That sort of stuff.

But I need to get over it. Or it's going to kill mine and DH's relationship. I need to find a way to at least accept his mother. He wants her to help us move house and is sulking because I said no because I can't stand her. I find her stressful and intolerable. I can't get over in my mind how much she's hurt my husband, I guess a part of me wants to do all I can to shield him from her, out of fear she'll hurt him more than she already has. But I know it's his choice to have contact.

It's just such a mess but I can't help but want nothing to do with her.

I'm sorry! That was so long. I guess what I want to know is how I can build a vaguely positive relationship with my mother in law, for the sake of DH.

No, you don't.

she dominates your husband. You can't allow her to dominate you too.

You have a DH problem here actually, not a MIL problem.

A small starting point might be "Toxic In Laws" by Susan Forward.

Seriously, if you knuckle under to her, your life will be hell.

Honestly why would you want to if she is an utter shit bag? Tell your DH that he can have a relationship with her. If it makes you happier to not have contact with her then it perfectly fine. He knows why.

You can't like her. Don't bother trying. There are people on here who will give you better advice but I think you need to be honest with your husband and tell him that you want to spend as little as time possible with her and that you will be polite when she is there but you can't like someone who hurts someone you love.

Don't tell her anything important again.

Why do you need or even feel a need to get over his mother?. You do not need to have or actually should have any sort of a relationship with her. It is anyway a one sided relationship; you have tried and she has never wanted to do so. Your boundaries anyway with his mother have been too low to date and she has taken full advantage of that. Do not further kow tow to her because you will have a new world of pain thrust upon you if you do that.

Do read the book recommended to you as well.

She was abusive to him as a child and she is still abusive to him, and in turn you, as adults. The two of you should have nothing further to do with her; such people do not change.

I would also agree that your DH is also a problem here. He is probably still wanting a relationship with her out of some forlorn hope that she will change and or say a heartfelt apology to him. He is also very much in a FOG state (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his mother. Her "help" will come loaded with its own sense of obligation; disordered people like his mother never help without strings attached. Such people like his mother never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

You do not have to like this woman you can have a detached relatio ship with her your dh wants his mum involved because after everything she is his mother. so if she wants to help with the move say yeah great and then prepare to be let down tell her bugger all about your life dont give her head space and let your husband deal with her shit if you fight against her you will have years of resentment.

I thought that might be everyone's answer.

He's just hurt that I don't want her to help us move house. Really hurt. Thinks I'm being completely unreasonable. But I really don't think I am. I don't want the extra stress. My parents offered to help, so in his mind I'm rejecting his mother in favour of them. 😪 It's not that though. If I genuinely thought she was going to be useful I'd be happy to have here there too!

But I need to get over it.

No you don't. She's making you miserable. He needs to sort her out. You could have her in your life for a very very long time.

He's just hurt that I don't want her to help us move house. Really hurt.

And what about how you feel? Don't minimise your feelings to please him. You are no less important. In fact as his wife I'd say how you feel is more important! Don't let him put you second to his mother.

You definitely don't need to learn to like her. She's abusive. You need to learn to protect yourself from her abuse. If your husband isn't trying to protect you from her abuse then you have a problem with him too, I'm afraid.

Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward is great. Also, have a read through some of the archives at captainawkward.com, as there's a lot of good advice there on how to handle toxic people, and what to do when they perform.

Don't break yourself trying to 'like' her. I did this. My mental and physical health suffered massively. I realise now she's a toxic witch, I should have stood up to her sooner.

The relationship broke down, a lot of that was to do with his toxic Mother.