Give me examples of how much/little you engage with a significant ex

[Gertrudeisgerman]

I'm talking LTR where there was either marriage/houses/kids/pets etc.

My boundaries are fucked and I need help to gauge 'normal'

10-y marriage, 2 DCs. Exh sounds like he was like yours (abuse+police+orders). As little contact as I can manage. I never text him. Exception at xmas as he messed up over handover location. Emails only and most ends up going through solicitors. He rarely sees DCs and I would never contact him. If he doesn't keep contact: his problem, his loss. My feelings of guilt are entirely towards the children, I feel dreadful they don't have a dad to speak of, but the rest isn't my problem. I stopped feeling guilty when I realised he was manipulating the children. Would focusing on them help you feel less guilty? I have had a lot of counselling. I really think without it I wouldn't be where I am now. It's no miracle but it did help me. Your exP sounds awful too.

Counselling or therapy is my advice. Also what would happen if you stop texting your exh? Are you worried he would kick off again?
I hope things get better for you 💐

I guess after 12 years of conditioning to keep in near constant contact with him in order to gauge his mood and therefore my safety, it's a hard habit to break. If I have a slight inkling I've pissed him off I panic and have to contact him. I do think of the DC's but he sees them a lot so I guess I'm always trying to assess what's going on with he's with them too.

yousignup please don't apologise. It's lovely to know that there's parents out there who get in! Relationship or not.

*on not in! Sorry

Gertrude I see, sorry I got it wrong, didn't realise you were already seeing a therapist. Have you had help with the ptsd?

It must be really difficult that your children have so much contact with your exh. Are they old enough to have a say? You sound worried about your DCs during contact and still worried about your safety. Are you concerned he might be abusive towards them? What does he say to you that makes you feel you have to respond? Is he threatening? Because if he is then you need to inform the police or your solicitor.
I hope things improve for you.