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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Update on husband wanting to sleep with other people- turns out he has

49 replies

User2410 · 18/02/2017 11:27

I wrote a post a few weeks ago, H going through police training and said he needed a break after a week being away. Left me dangling and saying he wasn't sure whether we could work things out. That he hadn't slept with anyone else but was open to the fact that it would happen if we carriEd on being apart.
We spent a weekend together without kids and we've been sleeping with each other when he's home. I asked him if he wanted to see me this weekend or if we should just give it some time until he clears his head but he said we would see each other. So he came home and ended up having sex. But it was different he was rough and forceful. Then we had a chat where he said he felt bad for what had happened because his feelings weren't clear still. He said that it was the kids who were getting in the way of us fixing things basically. We have a 5 year old and 2 year old. And this question just eventually came out of my mouth. Have u slept with someone else. And he said yes. A year ago when working away. Don't even think he usEd a condom. I feel sick and violated. I guess this is the end.

I know I only have one option and that's to move on with my life.

OP posts:

PaterPower · 18/02/2017 18:51

I also remember your last post and the overwhelming consensus then was that he was shagging the colleague who's parents he'd gone to visit. Clearly she likes it a bit rougher than you do.

As pp have said, he's checked out emotionally. You and the dc are just a hindrance to him now and you can't read anything into the sex other than he fancied some and you were available that weekend.

I'm really sorry OP. I think you need to treat this as the end of your marriage. Get yourself checked at a clinic and then start the divorce

GabsAlot · 18/02/2017 19:05

sorry op i remember your other thread and agreed he was prob shagging around anyway

hes just using u for sex can u not see that-stop letting him make the decisions end it now

to blame his kids is disgusting

Original poster

User2410 · 02/03/2017 22:29

Right I'm back and I feel muchlo more on control. I think I came to realise he was using me and he still is trying really. But I've said no more, no seeing each other and only need to contact each other if it's about the kids. He still wants me to spend time with him on the weekends because he thinks it'll 'help his feelings towards me change' even tho he's the one who slept with someone else! The fact he doesn't really want to be with me just adds insult to injury. Because I think I would have forgiven him. But anyway now I feel so confused because I have had offers to go on dates and I'm not sure whether it's right or wrong. He's saying he doesn't want to me with me but his feelings may change......That's just attempting to string me along. But is it too soon to meet with another man? I find it helps distract me from thinking about him. But I worry he will find out and call it a day for real. I can't live like that until he sorts his head out tho.
Since not contacting him he's been sending me pointless messages and told me that he had a panic attack at the weekend when I went out with my friends on a girls night because he thinks I'm in self destruct mode! Thrown away my wine from the fridge too. He's confusing.

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 02/03/2017 22:41

Stop thinking about what he wants - he doesn't matter any more and is totally irrelevant

Think about what you want - if probably is too soon for a relationship but that doesn't mean you have to stay home every night moping

Take control, tell him to fuck off with his 'wanting to spend time together' is he on glue? Having you dancing attendance on him whenever he feels like an ego boost?

Don't do the 'pick me' dance, he's not good enough for you now, make sure he knows if

Costacoffeeplease · 02/03/2017 22:41

knows IT!

fiorentina · 02/03/2017 22:41

But he has called it a day for real. He's just using you for sex if you still meet up, be strong for you and your children. I would advise you to spend time on yourself not rush into dating other people, but have fun with friends. Stay strong.

AnyFucker · 02/03/2017 22:45

Have you got any self respect at all ?

SandyY2K · 02/03/2017 22:58

Once you declare to him that the marriage is over, then the rest is a technicality. I'd go on as many dates as I wanted to.

Make it clear that the separation has started.

I also remember your last thread.

PatriciaHolm · 02/03/2017 23:04

Your marriage is over. As far as he's concerned, it has been for a year at least.

You are in no fit state to embark on any other relationship.

Take a deep breath, step back, and concentrate on making sure the kids are stable through the inevitable breakup.

Peaches77 · 03/03/2017 01:18

You're marriage is over if you let him come back for sex you will end up destroyed when HE stops wanting you for sex when HE has met someone else. You would be prolonging the enivitable

Do not go out with another man you don't need a man to be validated concentrate on healing yourself and looking after your two kids forget about all men for a while love

RaeofSun · 03/03/2017 08:26

Oh my word. This man who has shown he has no morals, has shown no compassion or empathy. Has lied to the OP. Has blamed others (kids, OP) for his weakness IS GOING TO BE A POLICEMAN? Oh help the rest of us. That is scary

OP take control of your life and give your DC a happy fun life.

PaterPower · 03/03/2017 08:27

If you just want to fuck somebody then go for it, but agree with pp who've said it's way too early to be thinking about another relationship. You'll not be doing the potential new partner any favours (and more importantly you won't do yourself any) and you're likely to find yourself back with an identikit version of the muppet you're with now.

Try and lean on your friends and family, sort out whatever you need to with the house and other aspects of the separation/divorce and look after yourself and the dc.

Serialweightwatcher · 03/03/2017 09:22

You need to go on with your life without him in it - if anyone needs time to decide how they feel about someone (the someone they hurt and cheated on) then there is something completely wrong and you dangling, waiting is ridiculous and will hurt you more in the end. He doesn't want you now, he didn't want you when he cheated and you need someone fun and good and kind to help you see what you deserve. It must be so terribly hard for you and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but try to take a step back and if you were reading your post as a stranger, what conclusions would you come to? Good luck OP

Adora10 · 03/03/2017 10:51

Cmon OP, are you really going to let this cheating creep carry on controlling your life, do you not love yourself at all, or your kids, I am sure you love them, the children he regrets having, fgs, take that control, stay strong and stop dropping your knickers for him every time he appears; it's not going to help your mental well being at all. It also won't make a jot of difference to him making a go with you, it's just free sex to him.

Do not carry on with a person that will try to find feelings for you, please don't belittle yourself like this, he's really not worth it, he's already out shagging about.

There are other men in the world OP, far nicer than him.

kaitlinktm · 03/03/2017 11:00

For heaven's sake you are giving him FAR too much power - why is he getting to call all the shots when he is the one who has cheated?

He still wants me to spend time with him on the weekends because he thinks it'll 'help his feelings towards me change' even tho he's the one who slept with someone else

Well that's big of him - controlling you just in case his Lordship MIGHT change his mind and deign to continue living with you (until the next pretty colleague comes along) -can't you see what a horrible person this makes him?

Tell him you have made his mind up for him and you are not willing to play second fiddle to anyone in a relationship - then look at the practicalities of separating.

And beware too if you do this and he claims to be repentant - don't have him back. He can't have it both ways. Either he's a (faithful) family man, which he evidently isn't, or he's a jack the lad, not both.

BevGoldbergsSister · 03/03/2017 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfourfoxache · 03/03/2017 12:57

Cut the fucker loose. Why wouldn't you?

Move on, he's trying to string you along. Don't let him. Take control, if you want to go out on dates then just do it. If he changes his mind, so what? Bin him and don't look back

xStefx · 03/03/2017 13:05

He is only throwing you lines because he doesn't want you to sleep with anyone else. If he loved you he wouldn't disrespect you like this. Move on, I would say its maybe too early for dating yet and your 5 and 2 year old may need your attention. He only wants to see you on the weekend to stop you being with other people, not because he wants to see you.
Cut him loose OP, he has no respect for you, show him that at least you do have some for yourself.
So sorry OP x

BertPuttocks · 03/03/2017 13:06

"He still wants me to spend time with him on the weekends because he thinks it'll 'help his feelings towards me change' even tho he's the one who slept with someone else"

He wants to make sure that you're not going out anywhere and having fun of your own, while simultaneously ensuring that he doesn't have to look after his own children by himself.

He's quite happy to have sex with others but is equally keen for you not to do the same. That's the real reason he's worried about you going out, and sod-all to do with you supposedly being " in self destruct mode".

kaitlinktm · 03/03/2017 17:36

He wants to make sure that you're not going out anywhere and having fun of your own, while simultaneously ensuring that he doesn't have to look after his own children by himself

^^ This - with knobs on!

SenseiWoo · 03/03/2017 17:37

Please don't be his easy sex option until he has got someone else in place.

He is being rough, domineering and keeps repeating that he thinks he doesn't want to be with you but isn't sure. And since he has blamed your children for his feelings, it doesn't sound as though he will have much time for them either.

Sadly I suspect he will leave you eventually after lots of faffing. It may be less painful for you to take control of your future instead of waiting for that to happen: decide what's best for you without reference to him and then do it.

What might be helpful is doing joint counselling post-split to try and manage feelings and work out a constructive way of co-parenting.

Offred · 03/03/2017 17:38

Remember your last thread too. This will be the tip of the iceberg re his cheating.

He is dangerous to you, I hope you are able to get away.

Msqueen33 · 03/03/2017 17:43

He's a user not to mention an arsehole! He's blaming the kids now?! That's a real low. He's using you. I'd move on. Even if he did come back ask yourself honestly would you want to be with such an arsehole?!

BonnyScotland · 03/03/2017 17:57

guys a piece of work... go on your dates and enjoy your odd night out with friends x

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