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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband stormed out house half an hour ago following row

27 replies

RifRafia · 17/02/2017 23:42

Should I call police? Have no idea where he is, his phone is switched off, am worried.

OP posts:

DeterminedToChange · 17/02/2017 23:43

No, of course you don't call the police. He's just stormed off in a temper, hasn't he? He wants you to worry, that's why he switched his phone off. Go to bed and he'll come skulking back.

Hatemylifenow · 17/02/2017 23:43

After half an hour? The police won't do anything unless he's been missing a lot longer than that I'm afraid.

for you, it's crap feeling anxious.

Inneedofaholiday2017 · 17/02/2017 23:44

No and you know that - he's an adult.

Unless there is a back story here - does he have mental health problems? Do you suspect he might cause himself harm?

Leggit · 17/02/2017 23:44

Why on earth would you call the police?

Daydream007 · 17/02/2017 23:46

My husband has done this for years. No need to call police, leave him to calm down. He will be back when he gets hungry and misses the comforts of home.

Original poster

RifRafia · 17/02/2017 23:52

Thank you, helps put into perspective. No, no back story or mental health issues. He has had a fair bit to drink though, I haven't, which was the cause of row. Even that wasn't screaming row or anything. He hasn't done this before ( married 8 years), which is why probably irrationally worried.

OP posts:

sooperdooper · 17/02/2017 23:53

No it would be an utter waste of police time to bother them with a grown man not being seen for less than an hour

Finola1step · 17/02/2017 23:55

Has he taken the car?

Original poster

RifRafia · 17/02/2017 23:58

No, he does have set of car keys with him though. I honestly don't think that he would try and drive (he's ex-military police).

OP posts:

OnHold · 17/02/2017 23:58

He will be back. Hes probably just gone for a storm about to cool off.

No need to call the police.

BitOfFun · 17/02/2017 23:58

It's upsetting for you, but it's a total non-issue as far as the police are concerned. There's a reason he left the house, and he's entitled to as adult. They probably wouldn't be interested even after a week, unless there was no activity on his bank cards etc.

BlackeyedSusan · 18/02/2017 00:50

leaving the situation when you are pissed off is a good idea. preferable though if you did it before the row stage though!

breathe.

go to bed.

he will come home or not eventually, you can do nothing about it for a while anyway.

HarmlessChap · 18/02/2017 00:59

I've done that, I turned the phone off not to make her worry but because the row would have continued on the phone while driving. Albeit obviously it did worry her as when I turned it back on, a couple of hours later, there were loads of voice mails. All bar the last 2 were a screaming rant the penultimate one apologised and the last asked if I was gone for good.

SparklyMagpie · 18/02/2017 08:52

Morning OP, is he back home?

littlefrog3 · 18/02/2017 09:05

Oh my husband loves to dash off in a sulk like a teenager when we have a big argument (it's not often, maybe 3 or 4 times a year,) but yeah, when he runs out of things to say, and/or he knows I'm right about something, he will storm off to let me know how utterly angry he is.

I hid the car keys last time we rowed, which was hilarious because he was going mental looking for them and demanding that I tell him where they are. So he had to storm off and go for a walk instead. PMSL

He always comes back, and I don't care that he runs off for an hour or two as it gives me some peace following a row. Maybe you should bask in the tranquillity too OP.

littlefrog3 · 18/02/2017 09:09

I hope you felt quite bad about yourself 'harmlesschap. ^' Sounds like you made your other half very upset and worried. I gather you apologised to her on your return?

Hatemylifenow · 18/02/2017 09:09

Hope he's back now op.

HarryElephante · 18/02/2017 09:20

My DP burnt my toast this morning. I called the police. They are on their way.

Original poster

RifRafia · 18/02/2017 09:27

Yes he has skulked back, no idea where he has been and too angry to ask right now. Thanks to those that gave me a bit of perspective! Off to have a nice day with DC.

OP posts:

Thinkingblonde · 18/02/2017 09:34

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of asking where he'd been. I never did with my DH when we argued. It used to piss him off more.
Enjoy your day out with the kids.

HarmlessChap · 18/02/2017 10:27

I hope you felt quite bad about yourself 'harmlesschap. ^' Sounds like you made your other half very upset and worried. I gather you apologised to her on your return?

I don't remember exactly what happened after to be honest.

The background to that row was that she was suffering from PND, and had been for a year; she was back at work part time, medication and counselling was helping but raging anger was also a common symptom. That day she wanted a lightening conductor, I got home from work, walked in through the door and before my coat was off she was laying into me, nothing terribly rational and not an uncommon occurrence.

At that point home was no longer a comfortable place to be and while I tried as best as I could to be supportive of her in her illness there were times I simply couldn't cope with it and there was fuck all support for the partners of women with PND at that time I have no idea if that has changed.

I took the verbal abuse for about 10 minutes tried to calm the situation but she wasn't having any of it. In the end I said something along the lines of I dread coming home these days. Grabbed my coat and car keys and drove off. I drove to the coast and back, there was no way I was going to continue being ranted at while I driving as I'd both had enough and it would have been highly unsafe.

Anyway that was about 15 years ago and our relationship has never really recovered from her illness. It was never my intention to be gone for good simply to put some space between me and her rage but I do wonder sometimes if it might have been better for everyone if I hadn't come back that night.

littlefrog3 · 18/02/2017 10:31

Now you have said all that harmless chap, that sounds bad. I feel sorry for both of you, and it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Have you both sought counselling or ever spoken to anyone else about it? The relationship doesn't sound great, and you're right that there is never support for men when their partners have post natal depression. I think we (as a society) forget that men suffer too sometimes.

I wish you both well.

HarmlessChap · 18/02/2017 10:35

OP I'm glad he's back and hopefully you can work everything out but if you use him leaving he situation as something to fuel the argument further then it won't work.

The advice given on here can be conflicting, when people post that they are raging with their DP is, go for a walk, go for a run, walk to the wine shop etc. But when they post that their DP has stored out then the response is, they are trying to make you worried etc.

HarmlessChap · 18/02/2017 10:37

Sorry for the typos that should be

the advice is to go for a walk....
DP has stormed out....

HarmlessChap · 18/02/2017 10:46

Thanks littlefrog3

Yeah not great TBH but we're working on it, I think we really need to try some couples counselling but it feels a bit like a failure to do that. However our relationship which is more of a friendship than a marriage is far from healthy.

She stopped the counselling as it was dredging up issues with her mother and she found it too difficult. I think she should have continued as those issues still affect our relationship but she flat out refuses, which to me kind of puts perspective on where our marriage sits in her priorities.

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