How much access can my ex have with our daughter? I'm scared...

[QueenB]

I'm a MN virgin but I hope someone can help. Long story. My husband left me and our 6 month old in January and has given me a really rough time. Found out 2 weeks ago through mutual friends that he has been having an affair with woman from work since at least Nov 03 but I think it's been going on for about a year. He has shown no remorse and no interest in our 1 year old but she sees him every weekend for 4 hours at his parents. I am really worried about her welfare when she's there and it's torture to let her go. Think he's only seeing her because of his parents but I'm worried about the future. Can anyone advise on what access he's entitled to and the minimum he can see her? Feel like my perfect life has been wrecked. Having trouble dealing with all these emotions...

QueenB. You must feel dreadful - and I am really sorry. My children are older, but I don't like it when they see their stepmother at all. there may be a couple of positives here though - are his parents trustworthy? if so this could be a good thing, and you could perhaps continue with that pattern. Also, so many children lose contact with their fathers, that you may regret it if contact were to stop now. Are there particular things that are worrying you? In terms of rights, you probably need to see a solicitor to agree access arrangements, and make sure you are comfortable with them. In my case my exh has the children everyother weekend, but they are older,. Have you seen a solicitor yet?

Yes. She's brilliant but my ex and his parents have basically cut me out of their lives and left me for dead. It's awful. I feel like such a fool. I can't belive that the man I married(only in Sept 01!) has turned out to be such an evil person. I've been totally mentally tortured by him. Basically he left me and our baby and wouldn't tell me why. I don't have any contact with him (my choice) because of the way he's treated me. I'm scared about her future with him in it, but I don't know whether I'm just scared of MY future with him in it. I would like him to see her as little as possible because I just know that this other woman is more important than her. I can cope with no money, not seeing his family etc, but I feel SO protective over my baby. She's so small and can't tell me if she's unhappy.

If he's shown no interest why does she see him? Did you want her to? Sorry to hear this, it must have been horrible for you. I'm sorry, I don't know much about access entitlements though but I'm sure someone else will be able to help. So sorry you're going through this, it sounds awful.

Started off seeing him at his parents when he left, and now it's become a sort of weekly thing for them I think. How the hell have I got myself into this? Bloody men. I'm scared he is going to kick up a fuss. Can he see her every 2 weeks? Is that acceptable to courts? Does anyone else have this problem? Maybe I need to toughen up!!

I think (but am not totally sure) that if you are worried by access it may be possible to have accompanied access, but I don't know how that works. I don't know about the circumstances, but it sounds like you have had a dreadful time. Is it worth trying to win his parents over, or are they a problem too? I do know that if you don't want him to have access, but he does want to, then the court will make reports etc (this is happening to a friend of mine). Everyone's access arrangements seem to be slightly different so I'm not sure if there's a minimum or not. Apart from this, which is obviously a major worry, how are you coping with everything else?

Got to the stage where it's stalemate with everyone. Apart from this problem, I'm pretty much OK. The other woman was what I suspected from the beginning, but feel so upset that he didn't respect me enough to tell me why. Have met a really nice man who has made me feel like me again, and I realise now that my ex is better off as an ex. There's no chance of me ever having him back. I adore my little girl but things would be so much easier if he'd told me that he wasn't ready for a baby and didn't love me (apparently). It's such a shame for the children. I didn't want her to have to deal with this.

my story is similar in some ways (although i have 3). I'm really pleased you've met someone else - thats a real boost, and practically its nice to have a helping hand with a 1 year old! If its any consolation children cope remarkably well with change. I spent ages thinking about failing them, but at the end of the day, he walked out, not me, and all i can do now is make it work for them. You seem like you've thought a lot of this through - good for you.

Life goes on, and I know mine will be better than his! It's all about Khama apparently. What goes around, comes around.... Can't wait for his turn!!!

I think his parents should start being much nicer to you - their contact with their granddaughter depends on it! I think you ex has behaved appallingly. However, if his parents really love your dd, that is a good thing for her. Grandparents can be wonderful things - not all the time obviously. It's so hard, but if they are loving and you trust them, then maybe keep the contact with the grandparents, after all, they may be terrified of seeming 'disloyal' to their son who may be pressurising them to cut you out, but secretly feel awful about what has happened and be frightened of losing their granddaughter. But if they are vile, then they are stupid and I wouldn't blame you for reducing contact. You shouldn't have to put up with people being mean to you when none of this is your fault at all. Maybe it's time to make this clear?

I really feel for you QueenB, and I know where you are coming from.

I will finally be divorced from my wh next month and I can't wait. However, being divorced does not change things with my child access. Because we were married, my solicitor tells me that we both have Parental Responsiblity, which he wouldn't have if we were single.

My "baby", who is now 6 used to go to his dad's every Saturday for 4 hours (since he was about 2yo). Since a year ago, he began seeing his dad on a Wed eve for 2 hours, and on a Sat for 5 hours. Although I need the break from my ds (ADHD) to catch up with myself, I do worry when he is with him and his girlfriend.

This arrangement has now been terminated by him as he has a new job and shifts. If your wh is anything like mine, he will hopefully tire of seeing your dd, (sorry that sounds harsh) and drop the contact altogether with a bit of luck. It sounds like he could be doing this under duress from his parents. I understand you have been though a rough time with him and he has been a right bastard by the sound of it, but thank god he isn't in your lives full time.

Is it possible to move away from the area, making access a bit more difficult for him? It may halve the time he can spend with your dd to maybe once a fortnight? I agree that you need to see a solicitor about this, and it can be costly - but I am sure it will be worth it in the long run.

I know I sound like a bitch to others who have not been through this sort of thing and believe that a child should have both parents in their lives. However, my ds has consistently NOT been a good parent, and in my and everyone I knows opinion, he could do my ds more damage than good in the long term.

I don't know if that is any help to you QueenB, I really just wanted to say that I understand your problem, but I would definitely suggest you see a solicitor and try and hammer out the access arrangements as soon as possible.

By the way, does he contribute any money to your dd's upkeep? If not, he should be. The CSA may need to be informed, however other MNs may have a better suggestion. PS - Welcome to MN! xx

Hi Queenbe, Just copying what it says in my 'Gingerbread' handbook about contact. If you have serious concerns about her welfare you should see your solicitor and tell her your concerns. People usually come to their own arrangements about contact and in a divorce case, fill out a form outlining what these arrangements are and the judge examines this. If the judge is satisfied the divorce goes ahead without the need for a court order relating to contact. If the parents can't agree the courts procedure has mediation built in or there will be a court order. If you genuinely feel that your child is upset by contact visits seek your solicitor's advice. If there is a history of domestic violence or abuse, the court can make a special order which only allows contact to take place with someone else present. This may be a relative that you trust, social worker or other professional.
I understand how you are feeling. My bh (of 11 years) assaulted me in Feb this year and was found not guilty by the court. The children haven't seen him for 4 months because of his bail conditions but now he is free to make contact. Although he never hurt them, I never left him with them when we were together because he just couldn't cope. He was ok with the older one (11) but would ignore the younger one (4) completely if she cried and would claim there was nothing he could do. Comfort her maybe? He has sent them a couple of cards and the latest one inviting ds (older one) to spend the weekend with him, but no mention of dd going (not that I would let them anyway!) I have encouraged them to ring him because I thought I was doing the right thing as a parent, but to be honest they don't seem that bothered, although first time they spoke little one did say "I miss you Daddy!" And it broke my heart. Trouble is I don't know where he lives and his mobile is usually switched off! Like you I feel angry and bitter and I am trying not to let this spill over into how we deal with the children but it is difficult because I want to hurt him as much as possible rather than do what is probably in the children's best interests. I have asked my solicitor to suggest that they see him in a contact centre not because I think he would ever harm them, but because I don't trust him not to try to get back at me for taking him to court and I think he might use the children to do this. His parents are also badgering me for contact even though they only saw them once a year before this happened. The grandfather is a nasty violent man and I don't trust either of them. I am glad you have found a partner who deserves you. Agree with chocol8 that he'll probably tire of arrangement eventually and is probably only doing it cause his parents make him espec if he hasn't shown any interest in past. Sounds like another immature t**t. Hope this has been of some help. Understand so much how you are feeling. Keep posting on here, it really helps.
ps - Hi WWW! Lost your number. Give me a call if you get a chance x

So sorry to hear about your situation QueenB. I don't know much about the legal side of things regarding contact. I know a Dad who was desperate for contact and wanted custody but got every other weekend and one night in the week which seems to be fairly standard.

My exp left us too (well I kicked him out) as he was having an affair. My 2 dds were very young (2 and 3 mths) at the time and I wouldn't let him take them on his own (he was useless with them and they would have screamed the place down!). I wanted him to keep in touch so had to put up with him coming here.

I think I was pretty polite to him but after about 6 months he stopped coming and cited our bad relationship as the reason. He then moved abroad and hasn't seen them for 3 years now. He doesn't even send b'day or Xmas cards. He family have cut me out completely too. I've no idea why when I did nothing wrong that I can see.

Unless a father is going to be consistent and do as he promises I think that children are probably better off without them myself. I'd rather my 2 had security and total love than the disappoointment their father would give them constantly so I'm glad he lost touch really.

I am glad he gave up pretending he wanted to see them eventually and maybe your exh will do that too.

I heard on the radio the other day that court orders about contact are very hard to enforce anyway so you could just refuse. Get him to take you to court etc. Would he get round to that?

I know that's hrd because it means you've made the choice for your dd not to see her dad. I'm glad mine just opted out and I can say I tried to get him to stay in touch.

It's so hard and I really feel for you. At least you've got a nice man now. 4 years and still waiting for me.................!!

im in a similar boat to you queenb. my ex and i dont get on, but he comes to see dd every 3 weekends, in fact hes down this weekend, and i have to bring up the subject of him having to have dd at his house (he lives 3 hours away from here). I really REALLY do not want him to have her, it absolutely drives me up the wall just thinking about it. but i feel like im being pressurised into it.

i told ex and his parents that the way they treat me will only reflect on how i treat them, as they treated me like s**t basically, and they expect me to be all nice to them and allow them to come into my home. sorry i know i can sound really cruel sometimes, but i really hate exp.

at the end of the day, you are your dd's main carer therefore you get the last say. he has rights to see her, and ive heard grandparents are having laws put in so they're still entitled to see their grandchildren even if the mother and father aren't together (Im not sure if this is true). Talk to him and his parents and explain things to them. I know I will never feel comfortable with exp having dd for a few days at his house, but I know that it will benefit everyone. Exp sees his dd, dd sees her father, and once Ive got past the stage of always worrying, should hopefully be able to enjoy some days off to myself.