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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am feeling too fragile for AIBU, but..

42 replies

LevantineHummus · 17/02/2017 10:11

..am I being U to be upset at this?

My DB (or at least I thought was my "D"B) lives in Australia. He occasionally gets sent over to London for work, so he's reluctant to plan holidays here in case he then has to come over twice. By occasionally, I mean the last time was 3.5 years ago, but there have been a few times where it's come up again and then not happened. A couple of weeks ago he told me he may be coming in March, but wasn't sure, and would fly up to see us too. I was excited, but knew to wait and see. He said if the work trip didn't materialise this time, then he'd come over in our summer for a couple of weeks, because he has more leave than his partner this year and needs to take it.

Either way, I was happy.

Then I got an email saying his work trip is going ahead. He's coming to see us..arriving on a Thursday, leaving the Sunday.

He hasn't seen me or the kids (other than Skype) for 3.5 years and they're 3.75 and 5.5 respectively.

I am so disappointed. We can't afford the tickets to go to visit him and getting a big enough block of time off would also be a problem. We also couldn't stay with him so would have accommodation costs, car rental etc, none of which he has coming to stay with us (and we have a spare room and bathroom here, so no issues space wise at all). I asked if he had any flexibility about the days and he has just said that's when he's coming.

And he's definitely not coming in the summer now, because he'll have been over in March.

I have no other siblings and not in touch with either parent. I really value my relationship with him and make an effort to stay in touch. I think I'm probably kidding myself though, aren't I? If he really wanted to see us, or valued his relationship with me, he'd either be a bit apologetic about it being so short, or he'd have made it more than three nights.

I'm really crushed by this, but trying not to be, which is why I'm not putting it on the real AIBU.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 17/02/2017 11:10

I think you are on different pages of your lives. He thinks he does see your DC on Skype. As a parent you know how fabulous they are and want him to see them more but to him they are lovely children who live on the other side of the world so unlikely to ever have a close connection.

If he ever has DC he may feel differently but then he may find travel harder, too.

Enjoy the trip you do have and perhaps tell him how much you miss him and ask if he might consider a longer holiday next year so you can all spend more time together.

Out of interest, did he leave due to abuse and is he in contact with other family? He may have all sorts of emotional barriers to coming over very often.

buckeejit · 17/02/2017 11:10

Aww OP, I hear that you're disappointed but you just need to take what you can get & be thankful. Fill the days he's here with as much fun as possible-not necessarily activities but just spending time together-do a jigsaw, play board games, whatever & use MN as your release! Have a fab time with him

happypoobum · 17/02/2017 11:13

I have family in Australia so I do understand.

However, I agree with PP that you are over reacting. Just be glad you will see him for a few days and plan to have a brilliant time.

Gazelda · 17/02/2017 11:21

He's visiting, staying with you and appears to be an involved Uncle.
Maybe he has work commitments that mean he can't stay longer? Maybe he doesn't want to be away from his partner for too long? Maybe he worries he'll outstay his welcome by staying with you for a week or more (I can tell from your posts that this wouldn't be the case, but some people worry about this).
Don't think badly of him. Don't think he loves you less than you love him.

DistanceCall · 17/02/2017 11:25

OP, I understand completely that you are disappointed that your brother will only be staying for four days when you had been looking forward to two weeks with him. It's completely understandable.

You need to bear in mind, however, the cost of a flight from Australia. If his company is paying for it and he gets to see you, he'll probably want to save that money.

MargaretCavendish · 17/02/2017 11:27

I know it's because you love him, but your expectations here are unfair. A long weekend together sounds absolutely lovely: it's hard because you're upset, but please don't get this nice and long-looked-forward-to occasion off to a sour start by being cross with him for not staying longer.

MargaretCavendish · 17/02/2017 11:30

Also, if he's 'flying up' to see you, presumably that means that you're a long way from London? If so, he's adding a significant amount of hassle onto what's already a hellish journey. You seem to see him as making a bare minimum effort here, but I think he'd be surprised (and very hurt) to know that.

StickyMouse · 17/02/2017 11:40

In a business trip its very hard to add on time, I recently went to a City overseas on business, only for a day and was gutted that I couldn't stay over and see friends. I got some negativity about it but its how it is.

We have a cousin in USA that comes via London to another European City, he cant get a la over to see us.

I wouldn't be hard on him and enjoy the time that you have to see him?

sparechange · 17/02/2017 11:48

That sounds like a nice length of time. It's a full weekend, you don't have to take time off to hang out with him.

You do sound a bit whiny that everyone has to bend to you, because you've chosen to do extended studying and therefore can't afford to see him, I'm afraid
And expecting him to want to get to know your DCs is also a bit precious... I'm afraid that other people's children are really not that fascinating, and there is nothing he could learn from a week of getting under your feet that he won't learn in a nice long weekend with you.

BipBippadotta · 17/02/2017 12:00

I live on the other side of the world from my DB as well, and am NC with much of my family, so I see where you're coming from. I see him perhaps once a year when he's over with work, for about a day. I haven't met his youngest child.

I do feel wistful sometimes - it would be nice for us to see more of each other, but it's just not practical. But it's good to catch those glimpses of him when they happen. I don't get to travel with work and frankly when I have time off and money to spend I want to go on a proper holiday, not back 'home' where DB & his family live (which I don't much like & where the weather is often rubbish, and where of course much of my estranged family resides).

I wouldn't have thought it reflects at all on how much he loves or values you. I don't think most people would consider landing on a sibling & family for weeks at a time, so I don't imagine he'd have been aware of your expectation of a weeks-long stay. And he probably doesn't want to be away from his partner for that long - if a long solo UK visit means not having a holiday with his partner, that's quite a tough decision to make.

You'll have a good time when he's over. Try not to make him feel guilty about not staying longer (this is something that really puts me off wanting to visit family abroad - they give me a harder time when I only visit briefly than when I don't visit at all, and I can't really be doing with all the tears and guilt trips).

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 17/02/2017 12:16

It's several days that you wouldn't get to see him otherwise. Surely that's something to be celebrating?!!

SeaCabbage · 17/02/2017 13:05

I hope you can have a lovely, if shorter time with your brother than you had hoped.

Like a PP though, try to remember that whilst your children are the most incredible and wonderful people in teh world, to you, they are just someone else's little kids to him, even if htey are family. Until he has his own he probably won't get the kids thing.

I hope you and he can have a really good catch up session.

StopShoutingAtYourBrother · 17/02/2017 14:18

I would consider the possibility that even tho his work is paying for these flights, to take much more time out for holiday/personal reasons could be negatively perceived by his work.

I know at my place and others that while it's accepted to tag a few days on to do much more than that is seen as unprofessional, especially where you're expected to 'report back' on outcomes from overseas trip as soon as you can.

Just something to think about. I know you're disappointed but seems he's done the best he can do.

DistanceCall · 17/02/2017 14:30

Also, you expect him to travel, but don't travel to Australia yourself. I realise that you have children and he doesn't, but he has other constraints too.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/02/2017 14:35

Sorry but I think you are being really unfair.

He is coming to see you for 3 days. He could have said sorry just here for work and not bothered!

He has to go back to Australia.

hunibuni · 17/02/2017 17:31

My sister lives on the other side of the world (think similar flight length to OP brother). We squeeze in visits when she's anywhere in the UK because her work schedule doesn't allow for longer breaks during our school holidays and it's too expensive for all of us to travel. I have flown from Belfast to Liverpool so I can spend an evening with her because that was all the time that was available. The last time she was visited me and the DC was 3 years ago for 4 days tacked onto the end of a trip. It sucks but I would rather have those few hours than none at all. YABU.

FritzDonovan · 17/02/2017 22:53

Yabvvu.
If he regularly travels long distances for work he is away from home a lot, why would he want to use two whole weeks with you and your children instead of his own partner? I'm not saying you and your kids are not lovely, but it would no doubt be full on (always is with kids) rather than relaxing down time. He's also just made a hellish flight, which he had to recover from while working, and has the same flight to look forward to before launching back into work at home. Maybe he needs a few days to get over it before going back to work in Oz. I know I would.
Also, it's not just the flight costs, it's incidentals like food/travel/activities etc which mount up.
He doesn't have to visit you at all, enjoy it when he does and don't give him any grief about it not being enough. He might not think it's worth the effort, as you clearly don't plan on saving to visit him either. (which, BTW, could be the trip of a lifetime for the kids)

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