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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I go back to ex?

21 replies

Polarbearflavour · 17/02/2017 09:45

I know nobody can answer but I need help!

We broke up because he was a bit of a dick, he had become quite bossy and grumpy and was stressed due to the house purchase, work and drank too much. I was upset all the time, a lot happened and as his family is from a different culture and religion to me we had a few issues due to that.

I had to leave his flat in London and start over. People have said that his actions and behaviour are borderline emotionally abusive, I'm not sure.

I've moved into a flat in my home city in the South-West, with my friend who owns it and I'm having a nice time. I'm saving money as I'm still on a London salary as my current work place are being supportive and I'm splitting my time between London and here for the next couple of months until they find a new London based person.

I've also found a great new job here, I've even been on a couple of dates.

However, I do miss my ex, he's having counselling and has cut down his drinking, he's changed jobs and is a lot more laid back - we've met up a couple of times for coffee / food. We miss each other and all the good things. We were together for four years with no engagement - he now says he was planning on proposing this year...

I feel like my life here is just starting but I really miss London and the buzz. It seems quite provincial here and I live in the suburbs but I'm right by the bus stop and a train station, I'm a short walk to the supermarket and a lovely coffee place. But I just can't shake off the feeling that this quiet life is not for me!

My old commute was 30 mins door to door (good for London) and my new workplace is a 5 min walk!

My parents have offeed to help me buy a little flat of my own here which is something I could never do in London and I would be dependant on my partner as it's HIS house.

Just feel really confused!

OP posts:

Joysmum · 17/02/2017 09:48

If you do feel you want to give it another go, date him for at least a year but don't 'go back to him' until after then to see if he is worth the risk.

He needs to prove himself far more than he did when you first got together.

Wellitwouldbenice · 17/02/2017 09:50

Joys - excellent advice.

Costacoffeeplease · 17/02/2017 09:51

Well the cultural and religious issues are still there, if other people have said he was abusive, I'd believe them m

Is it not London you miss more than him?

Rubyslippers7780 · 17/02/2017 09:53

Exes are Exes for a reason. You sound happier. Of course there will be things you miss...you invested in him and your life there but invest in yourself and your new life. What would you regret more? Life is too short to be abused in any way. It didn't work out with him but your life is moving on... why go back?

Gwilt160981 · 17/02/2017 09:54

Your self esteem and happiness more important than him. If you feel like you're starting to feel like you can live again stay put.

SmellySphinx · 17/02/2017 09:55

Nope

Notagain2017 · 17/02/2017 09:57

I would separate your relationship with him from where you actually want to live.

I think there are too many issues for you to overcome with him. He is probably on his best behaviour when you meet up. The drinking too much alone would be enough to end it.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 17/02/2017 10:04

Agree. A nice house and short commute in London are not worth being in the wrong relationship.

I would stop meeting your ex for coffee and concentrate on new friendships. If he's the one for you it will work out. But it's too soon for you to make that judgement.

There's also a middle ground between London and small SW town - e.g. Bristol or Bath.

Best of luck, you sound lovely and brave.

helpmeseethewoods · 17/02/2017 10:13

I would definitely go for owning your own flat! You can always reconcile later if you want - on your terms. Ie. he comes to live in your town. And don't ever merge finances would be my advice.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 17/02/2017 10:45

(Sorry, I just saw you lived in a city, not a small town) maybe you just need to get out of the suburbs and into the centre?

Patchouli666 · 17/02/2017 10:46

Has he really changed though? Throwing the ' I was going to ask you this year' (re marriage) is a bit emotionally abusive still isn't it. Keeping you waiting, wanting more. In the place he wants you....

Anonymoususer1938 · 17/02/2017 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Adora10 · 17/02/2017 11:15

He's going to propose, what. when you are not even properly together; he does sound borderline abusive, I'd be very careful.

MPerspective · 17/02/2017 11:19

Think very carefully.

You are no longer together. And maybe he is calmer. But that doesn't really say much. Because you are not together.

Has his CORE changed? If you were back in a relationship will his emotional abusiveness start coming back?

Silentplikebath · 17/02/2017 12:19

No, don't go back to your ex. Accept the offer of help to get your own place and if you miss London go for a weekend visit by yourself or with a friend.

Have you had any counselling for your self esteem? I think a counsellor could help you to accept that none of his promises to change or propose makes up for his past nastiness towards you. Cut all contact with him so that you both have a chance to move on properly.

TheNaze73 · 17/02/2017 12:56

Joysmum is spot on

AnyFucker · 17/02/2017 12:58

Are you crazy ?

Littleballerina · 17/02/2017 13:02

Can't you be friends rather than in a relationship?
You talk more about your job and accommodation than you do about your relationship.

rosabug · 17/02/2017 17:44

I don't think it's abusive to say he was going to propose - but it is manipulative. Follow through with your plans. If he is serious he will still be there, but I have a feeling you will have moved on by then. Good luck.

Bloomed · 17/02/2017 17:50

Like others have said. You need to split the two things up, relationship and location. If you missed London you could move back without going back to him. Do you miss him or London?

Stormtreader · 17/02/2017 17:51

If he was going to propose this year then how much did he fight to keep you when you broke up? If he wasnt willing to change or address any of the issues you had to try and keep you then Id say "I was going to propose" is at best rose-tinted memories rather than actual fact.

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