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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my boyfriend a twat or AIBU

49 replies

pixiehollow · 16/02/2017 20:32

I'm 15 weeks pregnant with severe morning sickness and 2 DC, I've been managing the past few weeks by forcing food down whenever I can. And I was managing just- I ate something funny on Tuesday and havn't managed to eat anything since for constant puking it also triggerd my IBS 😬. I'm so drained and tired.
When he gets in from work he will refuse to do anything for me, just tonight he's in the kitchen making our son a drink and I asked if I can have a glass of juice he says yes you can come make one!!
What! I am hardly a demanding girlfriend not materialistic at all but that's not a lot to ask, I've been struggling to eat anything or keep water down and kept asking him to bring things home that will make me feel better but he hasn't.
I feel like having a massive strop
But at the same time I don't want to piss him off and I don't even have the energy, don't get me wrong on weekends he does do things for me, brings me food and helps out with our son, he works 10 hours a day and so refuses to so any housework, I can't wait to start feeling better, it's not my first baby and I've struggled with all my pregnancy's but I just want him to look after me just ONCE after struggling all day on my own 🙈🙈

OP posts:

mainlywingingit · 17/02/2017 09:13

Wow . How mean is that???

Sherlock35 · 17/02/2017 09:20

He's an utter bawbag. Tell him to get to fuck. What an utter twat.

namechange20050 · 17/02/2017 09:21

Why on earth are you having another child with someone you describe as a 'selfish cunt'?

Adora10 · 17/02/2017 11:13

Awful, that is beyond normal; it's almost like he hates you and guess what, working ten hours a day is no big deal!

He sounds worse than having a child; time to get rid.

category12 · 17/02/2017 11:35

I don't understand why you would choose to be with a man who doesn't wholeheartedly enter into family life, and treats your eldest differently. Being a "great dad" to one and indifferent stepfather to the other makes him - it makes him a bad person. It does. He should try. It's not fair on your eldest to grow up feeling unloved by the father figure of the household.

And as for the way he treats you in pregnancy and illness..

I would stop having dc with him. I would seriously consider ditching his nasty ass.

Original poster

pixiehollow · 17/02/2017 12:19

It's all very well to just "dump his arse" but then ill be in an even worse position than I am in now. Id have no help whatsoever!
I have said to him if he dosnt step up to being a good boyfriend to me and the baby I'm going to my grandma's and he will have to take care of the house himself. Good news for me is I've managed to eat today so I am feeling so much better!

Once again thanks for the supportive comments I have to laugh at the ones like "what kind of example are you setting to your daughter " fucking hell. . Probably that women can be self reliant and don't need a man for everything! She's wonderful! And also spends half her time with her father so hasn't seen any of this. But thanks anyway ! Havn't managed to post on here without been slightly horrified at some people's judgemental answers

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 17/02/2017 12:22

fucking hell. . Probably that women can be self reliant and don't need a man for everything! She's wonderful! And also spends half her time with her father so hasn't seen any of this.

Except that's not the example she is getting at all. And yes she will be extrememly aware of how your partner treats you. Don't kid yourself.

Also I asked what sort of an example you are setting for how she should expect to be treated. The answer? Not great.

Let's say your daughter is seeing none of it. Your son certainly is. You can't deny that.

Original poster

pixiehollow · 17/02/2017 12:22

I also didn't mean he dosnt love my daughter or do anything for her, but on a night he will take our son to bed and I take my daughter, it's just realy the way things have worked out.

OP posts:

Original poster

pixiehollow · 17/02/2017 12:25

How do you know? He gets in at 6.30 pm and both children are in bed by 7.00/7.30 so they are not particularly aware of any of it at all. It's just getting me down and making me feel like shit

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 17/02/2017 12:26

Well yes it would make anyone feel like shit! It's shitty treatment. You deserve better. Don't accept it.

So will your Dc be going to bed at 7pm until they are adults? Do they not see him at weekends?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 17/02/2017 12:27

He should be treating both the dc the same. . With no justifying why he doesn't. .

caffelatte100 · 17/02/2017 12:28

He does not sound like a kind man at all. 10 hours work is not so much meaning helping with anything else is excluded.... My husband would do anything to help me if I was feeling as sick as you sound.... he sounds awful and very selfish. YADNBU

Original poster

pixiehollow · 17/02/2017 12:29

My son is three! And my daughter is 6! I'm not going to be pregnant forever, I'm pretty sure I am going to be leaving him. But right now it isn't possible. He is absolutley fine on weekends I've already said this on my origional post it's when he gets in from work he will refuse to do anything for me except take him to bed

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 17/02/2017 12:32

Yes but they won't be that age forever. And he won't have a sudden personality transplant once they're staying up past 7pm. He is who he is. You can try and convince us he is lovely really but don't kid yourself. You know him, you know what he is doing, you know you're kids are around it and absorbing it. What you do is up to you but don't get the arse when you post as you have then get the advice you clearly need.

Original poster

pixiehollow · 17/02/2017 12:33

I've been in this relationship for a few years, before this I had a few shitty relationships. So I don't realy know how I should be treated. My mum was in am extremely violent relationship and I was removed from her Care when I was 5. In an all honestly I don't know how a woman should be treat.

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 17/02/2017 12:34

You need the freedom programme. and to drop his ass

Original poster

pixiehollow · 17/02/2017 12:36

Yes I do know who he is which none of you do. He isnt lovley. And I certainly don't need to convince anybody of anything.
Do some people have nothing better to do ? I asked if I was being unreasonable. I want to know if this is as out of order as I think it is, I do not need to be told I'm being a shit mother when I'm having a shit enough time as it is.

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 17/02/2017 12:40

No one told you you are a shit mother. You told us you have a shit partner and we are agreeing. Did you just want confirmation of that and nothing else? If it was just you and him I'd tell you to carry on, do as you please. But you have children. You do have a responsibility to model appropriate behaviours to them.

Original poster

pixiehollow · 17/02/2017 13:00

Yes but I know what your implying dosnt happen, the children dont see him refusing to do anything we barley have time to talk in that first half an hour because our son will climb all over him I don't get a word in edgeways. Plus I'm not sure if you read my full post but I'm fine now so I don't need him to do anything, but last night I just thought what a nobhead he actually is. I dont think he belives me on how bad it is for me because he never sees me being sick. I have also said I know I will be leaving him.
I have every right to answer what you have said since I am the one living it ☺ it's very easy to sit and judge behind your screen over one post without realy thinking about the big picture.
Not setting a good example to your children = shit mother

OP posts:

category12 · 17/02/2017 13:11

Since you say you have a history of poor relationships and your childhood was hugely affected by your mum's abusive relationship, it would be a really good idea to try the freedom programme. Maybe some counselling as well.

You know that you don't have good boundaries, because you say you don't know how a woman should be treated. But you can learn to put those boundaries into place, with help.

It is not your fault.

But you can turn it around.

And you can turn it around for your dc, who are learning through the relationships you have, how to have relationships in the future. Don't read this as criticism of you as a mother: it is that, now you are seeing how you are being treated, you have this opportunity to do better for your dc than anyone ever did for you. You can give them something you were denied.

caffelatte100 · 17/02/2017 13:12

Can you have a good heart to heart with him about all this over the weekend? If he cares and is nice, he would understand and try to amend his ways.

Good luck OP and no, you are not a bad mother! I think it's good to ask around for opinions as you say. Sometimes, it's not easy to know what's normal, acceptable etc...

OneWithTheForce · 17/02/2017 13:28

Plus I'm not sure if you read my full post but I'm fine now so I don't need him to do anything

So all good then as long as you never get sick again. Hardly a relationship is it. Glad to see you will be getting rid.

And yes I've been in your position.

Babykoala1 · 18/02/2017 00:09

I'm sorry but he sounds awful. Reading your post actually made me feel angry! Your body is going through crazy amounts, you are growing another human inside of you! HIS human. Some lucky women have very easy pregnancies, but I for one was sick right up until the birth.. My partner was amazing and did everything he could whilst working his bollocks off (he does shift work and sometimes night shifts out in the freezing cold) But he would still come home to look after me and devote every spare second he had to taking care of me. You need to have words girl

MommaGee · 18/02/2017 00:49

Everything category12 said with bells on.

You're getting defensive cos you think people are saying you're a bad mom, were not. Hes being a shit partner and a lpuay example of a dad. He can model even in those 30 minutes that he's a good person and he's not. The drink example says it all.
If next week your DD Is getting herself a cookie and your DS asks her to get him one as she's there and she tells him to get his own, would you think that's ok? Or would you tell her to not be mean and get him one?

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