Sorry, this is going to be long.....
I think I'm coming to the realisation that I need to end my 8 year relationship on the basis that it isn't giving me what I need.
The very real struggle I'm having though is that he is a decent and kind man and on the face of it, there is nothing actually "wrong" as such. We rub along OK but there is virtually no intimacy, we see each other for maybe 12 hours per week on the weekend (this is not a long distance relationship btw) and speak on the phone sporadically during the week. I ALWAYS go to his place - he never comes to mine and I feel like the relationship has evolved on mostly his terms.
We holiday together and are lucky in that we both have high paying jobs so are able to enjoy nice places, hotels, experiences etc and he's been incredibly supportive and kind during my cancer battle a couple of years ago and issues with my mother & ex-h. We do have some lovely times for sure. On the rare occasions I get a glimpse of intimacy or we share a special moment, I literally want to weep.
He took me out on valentines night - had sent flowers and a card to my office, came to collect me for a surprise meal - all very thoughtful (which he is). During said meal we were loosely discussing him retiring in a year or so & we got onto the subject of planning/commitment (I'm sure I brought it up but can't properly remember). His response was that all I'm concerned about is how much money he can put my way. What?! This is an ongoing issue in our relationship - him thinking I'm some kind of gold digger & looking for a free ride. I am perfectly able to pay my own way (& do) I am not intending to retire for another 9-10 years at which point my mortgage will be clear and I have my own pension.
I ended up getting upset & went to the restaurant loo to have a cry.... he didn't really speak much after that. On the drive back to my house, he said it was the worst valentines day he's had other than when he was single (he's late 50's). I said I did appreciate the effort he's gone to but the sad look on his face as he drove away from my house made me feel bad. On paper, I should have been happy shouldn't I? Lots of people didn't even get a card.
So, since then I've really been thinking about whether this relationship makes me happy & overall I would say it doesn't. BUT, I'm questioning the validity of my own feelings. After my cheating ex ran off with OW I should be glad I'm with a good, kind, thoughtful man shouldn't I? What about if I never meet anyone else who's kind to me? Then I remember all the things about the relationship which I have come to accept as normal & wonder why I accept these things?
He thinks I'm after his money, sees me as intellectually inferior/stupid, doesn't fancy me (my post cancer body is different & that's pretty much when the sex stopped), we sleep in separate rooms as I snore/he's a light sleeper and I feel little I do is good enough to meet his (very) exacting standards. I wonder why he's still with me actually.
I am coming to realise also that I'm co-dependant in some way and have compromised myself almost out of existence. I know I'm a people pleaser, that I bend & flex to what others want to keep the peace. I saw my mother do it when I was growing up, I did it in my marriage & I'm doing it now. Not being honest with either myself or my partner/s and saying what I want/don't want for fear that they may not like it.
I was very clear last night (when I was journaling) on the facts as they are re my relationship, but in the cold light of day, my resolve is weakening. It's not so bad is it? I should be grateful that he's a good man, I could do much worse?. I feel frightened about ending things because my future would have nothing in it and perhaps I'd regret letting him go.
Can anyone help me unscramble my jumbled thoughts? Do I listen to and trust my inner voice or AIBU?
I could write loads more, but I feel so completely torn atm I need to find some clarity from somewhere.
Thankyou.