Being told I 'ruined all my parents holidays' as a child whenever I call them out on anything

[Dineoutone]

I've recently had a difficult time with a split from an ex (quite a while ago now but still struggling a little bit) and the financial turmoil the split caused. Things are ok now but my parents have been less than understanding. Just before Christmas in a conversation I said I'm feeling a bit better and mum said 'does that mean we can have a nice Christmas now' - I don't know how me hurting would have ruined their Christmas and it just made me feel worse. She'll also call me and when I answer and start to talk, I'll notice she's talking with someone at a check out at a till or she's picked up her mobile while I'm mid sentence and she's having another call. I've said calmly please only call me if you can actually speak and other times I've got cross that I've called her back mid dinner or whatever else (after she's called incessantly) only for her to behave like that to me.

Whenever I call them out on the behaviour, they'll say I ruined holidays for them when I was a child and that here I am again making a fuss and they're 'too old for this now.'

I was an extremely anxious child and I do have menories of feeling very stressed on holidays. As an adult I'm wondering why they are bringing this up, though. And why they didn't help me as a child when I was suffering.

I don't know if I can take the guilt trips anymore - especially when I was a child and have very limited memories of it all!

How do you know they do care?. Are you really kidding yourself here and thinking that they care because the alternative i.e. they could not give a fig is that painful to you. There is no evidence from what you have written to suggest anything like that. They've ben like this towards you from childhood; they are the root cause of your anxiety and overall unhappiness.

Its not your fault your parents are like this; you did not make them this way. Their own families of origin did that lot of damage to them, they have failed you abjectly here and made you the scapegoat for all their inherent ills. Their overall attitude towards you has likely caused problems in other aspects of your life as well particularly with regards to relationships. You seem very much their frightened little girl around them and desperate for their approval (approval they will never give you). You had no voice then and they are not wanting to hear you now.

I would raise your boundaries a lot higher with these people and have as little as possible to do with them. They are not the parents you want them to be because they are not built that way, again that is not your fault. Ultimately you will have to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Do read the Susan Forward book recommended to you.

I'm close to tears reading this op because you're describing my childhood and my parents' attitudes towards me. I'm 64 and it still affects me. My DSis's couldn't do anything wrong and I've yet to do anything right.
My confidence is shredded and I can't see it improving any time soon.

There is no evidence from what you have written to suggest anything like that in that they do care for you. From what I am reading they just wanted someone silence and completely compliant; children are simply not like that. They were completely ill equipped emotionally to raise a child and blamed you for their failings and shortcomings; that is not your fault either.

A therapist could help you unravel this more but choose such a person with great care; BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

Thank you for all the advice!

I am so sorry. They sound really horrible. Not good-enough parents