My sister is in an abusive marriage & the impact is HUGE now....

[lookfortherainbow]

Hello MN people
Thanks for reading - I'm going to try & keep this nutshell size.
My sister is married to a drug addict, drug dealer & narcissist. They've been married for a decade & have 2 daughters.
Over the years, BIL has become more and more 'grumpy' (that's my sister minimising. He's actually an abusive bastard)
Rude to my sis & nieces, controlling, verbally aggressive, lazy, sexist, smokes skunk almost constantly, deals skunk.
They have a 'nice' lifestyle & to their neighbours etc they are a successful & professional couple with two lovely kids. I have experienced first hand how unpleasant he is to my sister (including frequent silent treatment, making her do all the housework, inappropriate comments about other women, shouting at her in front of friends & family, never apologising, the list goes on.....) and similarly rude & shouty to the kids.
I don't think he's ever hit any of them- they are doing the eggshell walking whenever I see them.
Anyway, I have always been very close to my nieces esp the older one but the last few times I have seen her, she has been showing similar behaviour to her dad (silent treatment if she doesn't get her own way, shouting, manipulative behaviour etc) & I have noticed the girls (age 6&9) are much more verbally aggressive to one another & a bit physically violent.
It's upsetting to see the kids changing & I fully believe it's due to the environment they are in
I spoke to my sister last summer after BIL exploded at her on her birthday & was incredibly abusive (over nothing) in front of me & my daughter & my nieces (whose reaction was that of kids who see that sort of behaviour all the time)
I invited them to come & stay with us but he was taking my sister to a posh restaurant that eve so she declined.
She told me she has thought about leaving before but it sounds like she likes the lifestyle & won't.
He can't stand me (think it's cos he knows I know. He can be v v v charming & they have a lot of friends (but there's of superficial materialism in their circle of friends)

We met up the other evening (without him) & I got very upset because the girls were pretty much ignoring me & my daughter & it felt like they had no interest in us at all, just interested in causing a scene. I told my sister that I am struggling to be around them now. She knows what I think of BIL. She paints this picture on social media of being a strong woman with an amazing husband & wonderfully behaved children & I've seen the truth so many times it makes me sad/angry & frustrated.
Has anyone ever been in a similar situation to my sister or me?
Please help! The other night I told her it's really hard to spend time with them & not fun anymore. Also said I'm gutted about the behaviour of my oldest niece.
Again, my sister minimised it all.
What would you do?

I don't think it is sad so much as infuriating TBH.

Children don't need stuff when it comes at this cost. If she wants to delude herself that this is even anywhere close to reasonable parenting then that's going to have such a terrible effect on her children (as you are already seeing).

I know she is your sister but it is her vulnerable children who need looking out for here. Both their parents seem to be intent on fucking their lives up for the sake of some misguided idea of ill gotten status...

And yes it is sad that she is somewhat of a victim too in this but it is also entirely irrelevant as she is an adult who is entitled to piss her own life away but as she is a parent also she very firmly is not allowed to piss her kids' lives away before they have even had a chance to live them.

Thanks Offred
Your posts are brilliantly accurate. It sounds like u have direct experience of something similar?
I haven't been in touch with her since beginning of the week because I just feel A) pissed off B) space might possibly give her time to reflect on what I said & C) feel like we're very disconnected

I have experience of being in abusive relationships really and my dc being affected being the line. I care passionately about DC too and their rights, which are often neglected. I have reported neighbours to police/SS in similar circs - told mother I would do it if she didn't and then did it and told her after would support her. She got back with him had another baby and moved away in the end.

Good for you that you protected your kids
Wish my sister would

School view: if one of the children reported this to me, I would refer to children's services and the police. No question. It would certainly trigger an assessment and police involvement.

Perhaps that's what you should do - the children are being harmed by this, absolutely without doubt.

Smileeachday are you a teacher?
It's a class thing in a way.
If it was a drug addict/dealer/narcissist in council accommodation in a poor area who treated his wife & kids like shit, pearls would be clutched & referrals would be made (maybe) but because they have money & live in a 'naice' place and drive expensive cars (oh, him while smoking skunk with the children in the car) it's totally 'acceptable'

I don't think it would be 'totally acceptable' if all of that were reported to SS and police... if the school are failing in their duty to safeguard the children because the parents drive nice cars (rather than because they don't know how they came by the nice cars) then that doesn't mean it is OK for everyone else - friends, family etc to just also sit on their hands and let the DC be dragged up.

Yes, I'm a teacher and the designated safeguarding lead at my school.

This is absolutely a safeguarding issue.

But you know I do get what you are saying. I was dragged up by parents with money (doctors not drug dealers though) and no-one would listen to me about how awful my childhood was by the time i started talking about it, they just said 'ah every teen hates their parents you'll grow out of it'. I still hate them now. If they had lived 15 miles down the road and were a mechanic and a hair dresser I might have been taken into care.

Ha! It's made me realise that is the experience I am drawing on really... being the child in this situation...

As with your DSIS my dad was the abuser (and a hoarder which is another thread) but my mum always sticks by him, still now. I won't forgive either of them, him for abusing her, her for sticking up for him and not herself/me and them both for abusing me. It could have ruined my life, the reason it hasn't completely ruined it is purely down to my own strength of character but they are still content to just see me as a 'bad' child for not supporting their version of the world where they are amazing people in a happy marriage who were brilliant parents...

Ok so I'm a Child Protection Social Worker. These children have clearly witnessed their father being abusive towards their mother. It is absolutely a safeguarding issue and needs to be reported before it has a far worse impact on their behaviour and future relationships. You can do this anonymously through your local children's services or via the NSPCC online or on the phone. It sounds as if these children are being impacted and I'd be surprised if their schools hadn't noticed a change in behaviour/ emotional wellbeing. Witnessing through seeing or hearing the ill treatment of another is "significant harm" you need to report this asap!

Thank you to everyone who's contributed to this thread.
Another weekend of social media 'family perfection' from my sister & a few signs that she seems to have no interest in or respect for in me or my daughter.
I can't work out if this is how she really is or if she's being encouraged to not be in touch with me but just feel numb & a bit upset/annoyed with her. I think I'm going to go NC with her for a bit & tell her this is the case.
And tell her why.
Have been reading lots this weekend about how damaging it is for kids to be living in such a volatile & abusive environment.