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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just joined - need someone to tell me to get a grip

17 replies

user1487169157 · 15/02/2017 14:44

Been with other half for 15 months. He has a daughter aged 4 from previous relationship.

The mother of the daughter very clearly wants my partner back. She makes it very obvious, he makes it very obvious he's not interested.

They have an arrangement where partner has his daughter every weekend and they only see each other at this point - dropping off and picking up.

However tomorrow night he is going round to her house as the daughter is apparently desperate for him to see her new bedroom which has recently been decorated - this is true as he contributed some money towards it. But not once when daughter was with us at the weekend did she say she wanted daddy to see it. Whenever they FaceTime, she never even talks about her bedroom. This is all down to the mother saying she would really like him to come round and have a look. It's about a 45 min drive away and he's going tomorrow night.

I just can't help but feel so insecure. I'm sure the ex has other motives behind this. I will never say anything to my partner as he's a great dad and loves his daughter so I will not get in the way of it. I'm pretending that I'm fine that he's going but deep down I'm not.

Just last week the ex during a phone conversation which I could hear mentioned she was going on a date that night and had 'shaved down there because she knew how much he used to like that' she's always asking him for advice on men.

Everytime they do FaceTime, she will be on the camera and not the daughter. Partner always says 'put xxxx on the phone' but the ex will say she's busy doing something etc.

I am not going to say anything but I just felt I need to post something somewhere to let it out how I feel :-( tell me to stop being insecure please x

OP posts:
InTheMoodForLove · 15/02/2017 14:50

stop being insecure Smile she is an ex for a reason

how long ago did they split ? how long was he single for before meeting you ?

Catherinebee85 · 15/02/2017 14:53

Talking about shaving is desperate. If he wanted to be with her I'm sure he would be. Feels sorry for her rather than threatened. You can tell your partner it's making you feel insecure though without accusing him of anything. I think it's pretty normal for this sort of thing to make you feel this way and if he's half decent he'll do what he can to reassure you.

It doesn't sound like you need to worry about him though.

Adora10 · 15/02/2017 14:56

That's crap OP, no wonder you feel on edge, she's doing her best eh!

All you can do is tell him how all this makes you feel, I am sure he will understand, would he like it in reverse?

Perhaps he needs to really priorities you and his relationship and stop allowing the ex to manipulate him to such an extent; he really needs to be telling her to fuck off with the fanny chat.

Unfortunately when you get involved with someone with kids, there's a good chance there's a mad ex in the background and looks like you have drawn a short straw there.

Paranoidcity · 15/02/2017 15:00

Yes thank you to you both. This is what I needed to hear.

They had been split up a year when we met. They had sort of been trying to work it out in that time but they couldn't. However when we met, they were still quite close. He would go round for tea etc and when he met me that all stopped. So I suppose I can see that must of been hard for her in a way but 15 months later she's still being flirty and in appropriate with him.

I will tell him how I feel tonight, I just don't ever want to be someone that tries to come between a parent and the child. I'm going to have to go out tomorrow night or something. I can't sit at home or it will drive me crazy lol. Apparently he's going to bath her, put her to bed etc which is fine. He just better come straight home afterwards lol.

He does know I'm insecure about her. They meet half way dropping off and picking up but sometimes he's gone absolutely ages. It should be about an hour including the driving but sometimes he's been gone 3. He always says she kept him talking etc.

Msqueen33 · 15/02/2017 15:04

Try and spin it round to giving her pity rather than feeling insecure. In part I understand it's her daughter's father but some reasons just don't work and your dp has chosen to be with you. He needs to try to keep things amicable with his ex but sounds like you know what is going on and he's open about it. Try not to worry. If it didn't work before it's unlikely it'll work now.

InTheMoodForLove · 15/02/2017 15:06

Yes do speak to him. He needs to make his boundaries very clear with ex. I am only guessing but I am sure he knows that already but may fear ex may start using DD to "punish" him for constant implicit rejection.

Hey lets hope one of her new dates are going to love her smooth funny soon !

TheNaze73 · 15/02/2017 15:19

He's chosen to be with you. That's all that matters. You do need to except though, that the two of them have a life long bond

Adora10 · 15/02/2017 15:24

I'd be pissed off at him dropping off child and gone for 3 hours cos she kept him talking! Nah, sorry, he does need to set boundaries, he's not respecting your feelings!

Cricrichan · 15/02/2017 15:36

I'd be annoyed too! However, they had a year to get back together before you came on the scene and they obviously aren't right for each other so I wouldn't worry.

user1484750550 · 15/02/2017 15:47

Don't worry sweetie. No matter how much the ex mithers, your b/f isn't going to be interested. Unfortunately he has a child with her, so you can never be rid of her. This is the downside to dating a man who has kids with another woman.

I have a friend (Lisa,) who is getting married to a man with an ex (he was never married her,) and this ex is a PITA. She texts him about their son Nathan (now 14,) and says 'pop in and see me about Nathan... and don't tell Lisa....' And then puts a winky smiley on the end.

The guy is baffled as to why his ex thinks he shouldn't tell Lisa. They keep NOTHING from one another. Sometimes Lisa goes with him to the ex's. That really gets under her skin.

I have genuine sympathy for anyone dating someone who has youngish children with someone else, especially if the ex clearly wants them back.

Good luck.

(I haven't used any real names.)

Paranoidcity · 15/02/2017 15:56

Thank you to everyone who has answered me :-)

I suppose I just think that they have a bond with their daughter which means they will always have feelings for each other in some way. But I do understand, I have a son myself so being a mother I know children always do come first. Me and my ex don't have the kind of relationship. We are civil and just talk about our son and that's it. And that's the way I feel it should be tbh.

I need to look at it like this: she clearly wants him back, she's single and not had a proper relationship since him, if he did want to go back then he really could do but he hasn't....

It would make my day if she found someone else haha. It really would....I'd have a little party lol

Stormtreader · 15/02/2017 16:57

Using FaceTime on a tablet/ipad/phone is a great way for his daughter to show him her bedroom without him having to travel there.

user892 · 15/02/2017 17:07

Talking about her fanny? Getting him in the house? Feel sorry for the poor cow. If you trust your partner there's no problem x

Adora10 · 15/02/2017 17:08

Me and my ex don't have the kind of relationship. We are civil and just talk about our son and that's it. And that's the way I feel it should be tbh

Yes it should be, perhaps they were great pals but he's with you now and he needs to make it clear to her that he is not going to jump every time she whistles because that's what it looks like and it makes you feel crap and look second best. Disappearing for 3 hours when in her company and rushing over to see daughter's bedroom both indicate to me that she seems to have him dangling on a string; as has been said, daughter could easy send him a pic and what was he doing for 3 hours, chatting he says - why?

Paranoidcity · 15/02/2017 19:43

So he actually went to see her tonight and is on his way back. He rang me about 5 to say he was going tonight as he was over that way anyway with work so would save the hassle of going tomorrow. I panicked as obviously he didn't know how I felt so I let it all out and he was lovely. Really reassuring. He also said he has told his ex he would like her to go out so he can spend some proper time with his daughter which I didn't know.

He rang me when he was there to say she had gone out and not to worry. He then rang me about 40 mins ago to say he was going and he's nearly home now. Apparently he barely spoke 2 words to her and focused on his daughter which is what he always does anyway.

So I'm pleased and relived that it's over and he's on his way back at least

Chickiwick · 15/02/2017 21:35

Your DP sounds really nice - so glad he reassured you and he still got to see his daughter. Best outcome.

troodiedoo · 15/02/2017 22:03

She sounds like a fruit loop. Anyone would feel a bit insecure but your fella sounds lovely so you don't have anything to worry about. Remember the only way to destroy your enemy is to make them your friend. Kill her with kindness and don't give her an inkling that she gets to you.

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