Old love - maybe now the time is right?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

I'll call him A. I met him when we worked together, 3.5 years ago. We don't work together anymore.

We had an instant connection. First a friendship, he was lovely to me, took me under his wing when I joined. It was a long distance job, me working from home and going to the office occasionally, where he worked.

I was separated from my my now exH, he was working and living away and just coming back every other weekend to see the dcs.

A and I eventually realised we both wanted more and started spending time together outside of work when I was in town. I stayed over, it was all amazing. At work he was my best friend. In bed it was electric. When we were apart we chatted all the time. We had that deep connection when you totally get and accept each other. I was in love with him.

But. He's 5 years younger than me and he wanted children of his own etc. So it ended. I was heartbroken, but I knew at the time it was right to break up.

So I moved on, met someone else, so did he. We remained very close friends but of course it was different - we both tamed the chatting etc as wouldn't have been fair on our new partners.

Nonetheless whenever I needed a true friend, he was there.

Fast forward and my new relationship ended after 2.5 years. A has seen a few people in that time but nothing has lasted.

I tried OLD and met someone in January I thought was lovely and perfect and he said he felt the same but then ghosted me at the weekend for no obvious reason and I was left feeling pretty shit about it. I'm early 40s with 2 dcs and I was losing hope.

I couldn't help but think about A - the kind, caring, best friend who is super hot and totally gets me. I've been thinking about him a lot the last couple of days. Mainly in the context that after my ghosting out of the blue from OLD, I'm wondering if I will ever meet anyone who wants me, understands me, is kind and upstanding and gorgeous all rolled into one... and those thought always, without fail, lead me back to A.

Anyway, tonight, out of the blue, A messages me to wish me happy Valentine's Day. We haven't chatted for a few weeks. Long story short, he says he loves me, always has, the obstacles that were there before no longer apply, he wants to be a family with me and my dcs.

He had been seeing someone for 3 months but he knows she's not right for him.

I told him with no uncertainty that I can't have any more babies, so that's the big one. He did know that, but I made it clear he needs to not skip over that or have any false hope. It would also mean him moving to where I live. Quite a distance and change of scene.

But we are 3 years down the line and I think he has realised that trying to tick boxes is nott the way to go. It's love that is important.

For me, he is perfect. I think (hope) he's had long enough to realise that if he's really in love with me, and that's why it's not working out with anyone else, then it's pointless him keep holding out for something else. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I don't really have a question as such, just wanted to put this out there for any thoughts, advice on what I should consider if he wakes up tomorrow and is still feeling the same.

I do believe him and also know the friendship would survive as it has before. But it's a bolt out of the blue and I need some perspective as I don't want to get caught up in something on a whim. But I do still have all the same feelings for him. Argh!

Any advice gratefully received

This all sounds very out of the blue. I would question why that is. We would all love to say go for it and see the fairytale ending, but it could be doubly heartbreaking to give it another go and it not work out and then the kids have to lose any bond with him.

We are victims of our own clock. He could still up and leave in the next decade and try to have a baby with someone else.

I don't blame you for not wanting a baby at this age with two older kids. I'm 39 with a baby and my health has worsened significantly with age, a very tough pregnancy and issues after it. He has no idea what a baby entails and could be wearing rose tinted glasses over this.

Instead of looking at it as him making all the compromises, he is making all the gains. A ready made family and family home without having to be there through a pregnancy and childbirth and the difficult early baby and toddler years.

Ignore anyone saying have a baby when you know you have health issues which are already somewhat restrictive.

Lastly, he doesn't even know if he is fertile and even if you went ahead, there is no guarantee that a pregnancy would occur or go to term and that would be a very difficult thing to go through together. The risks just go up when we get older especially with health stuff already in the mix.

I think you need to talk to him face to face and see the body language. Even if he says he doesn't want a baby, it would always be hanging over you that he could change his mind and leave any time.

Good luck, protect yourself.

Music thank you. You make a hell of a lot of sense.

A baby for me is not an option, both because of age and health, and also because I simply don't want another one. I'm sticking by that and he knows that.

We've chatted a few times since Valentine's Day and he maintains that he loves me. But he needs to think it all through. We will meet up soon I think, as you're right, we need to discuss face to face.

I agree that he would gain a lot. I also had the same thought as you about how he might not even be fertile, and then it's all moot. I even considered asking him to get tested! I won't do that. But wow it would make the decision so much easier for him if he was infertile! How ridiculous and desperate of me is that? Don't worry, I won't go there.

What I really want to say to him is for him to imagine finding someone to have a baby with, then in a few years when he has a toddler, realising that he did it all wrong because he doesn't love the mother, he just wanted the baby. I worry that he's on that path. He's said several times when he's met people that they are perfect but something isn't right. So he ends it and tries someone else. Turns out from his confession that what's not right each time is that he's in love with me.

But I can't say that to him. He needs to realise it on his own.

Meanwhile, I don't know what to do for myself. I should move on, but my feelings are so strong. It's a mess.

Well done on sticking to your guns and knowing that bringing an unwanted baby along (ie not firmly wanted by both) would be disastrous. The common sense head will serve you well. Many men this age have no idea what a baby entails or how it changes the relationship and does a number on the woman's hormones and health in a lot of cases. If it went tits up then you were back on your own, you'd then have a baby comprising the care you can currently give your existing children, just the simple facts of life with health constraints. People without health stuff are full of utopian ideas about having babies at this age. The truth is, it absolutely Fucked me health wise and the bloke can just up and leave anytime. If he's as much in love with you as he says then your cards go on the table and stay there. He's already standing to gain a hell of a lot here so don't be the one losing yourself and your life and even more health for him. He needs a reality check about declining fertility and the risks of pregnancy and childbirth and potential outcomes and that's even if a pregnancy was even wanted and possible. Blokes this age have no clue about the realities nor do they understand what it's like for a woman to already struggle with health and raise a family. Don't be pushed into something that you know deep down isn't for you or your family.

Thanks music - I'm glad I stuck to my guns on the baby thing as I know it's not the right thing for me.

An update - he has decided that he would be sad to forgo having children of his own, so it's all off.

It's sad but it's for the best. I'm moving on. Thanks for all the viewpoints here, they really helped keep me grounded

Thank fuck you took control and drew the lines or he would have pretended it was all fine then you'd have huge heartbreak in a few years. You did the right thing. Hugs.

Well as an update on this, he has split with his gf of 3 months and popped up again on messenger... I've been sympathetic and tried to help as a friend, but last night he pushed it too far and tried to initiate sexting. I shut it down.

I told him I don't want to be a fantasy FB. Or a fall back option. He apologised and said he didn't mean to give false hope. And that confirmed it, it would be false. No future.

I've been down this road with him too many times and I now know that PPs here called it when they said he was turning to me for comfort.

At least I know now! No more wondering if I have a future with this man. I don't. I could never trust him.

Thank you all. I would have struggled to make sense of this without all the advice and would still be on the rollercoaster.

Onwards and upwards!

Sorry to hear about that OP.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but maybe it's for the best if you distance yourself from him and cool off the friendship?

I'm wondering whether this is one reason why you've never gotten over each other. I know you don't constantly speak, but even knowing you'll chat every few weeks or months still won't be helping.

Of course it's down to you, but personally if I cut all contact I find it easier

Sparkling I think you're right. I did move on and so did he, but in the back of my mind, if he truly wanted me, I would have gone running.

I think the difference now is I know it would never work, whatever he said. I just don't trust him anymore. Too many times he has used me like this and last night was the last straw. I'm really quite cross with him, which I'm taking as a positive sign for me.

I know now that even if he said yes let's go for it, I would always be worried he would change his mind, as others have said here. It would never work as I'd be constantly paranoid, self conscious of being older, etc etc. And I'm not good with shaky ground!

So for my own sake, I'm going to take your sound advice and cut it. Thank you

I wonder if this guy can actually commit tof anyone!

Well done for having such boundaries.Perhaps write up why it wasn't right for you, how he made you feel as it could be too easy to put on the rose tinted glasses.It will stop you moving on which isn't good long term for you.

Hermione thank you. I'm going to do that. He's a user, wanting an ego boost.

After last nights shenanigans, he messaged today to say he's meeting up with his gf to see if they can patch things up!!!

I've told him to sort his shit out, keep me out of it, and that I think chasing the baby idea instead of finding the right person is going to end in disaster for him.

Question: should I message him to tell him I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole now? Or leave it at that? I don't want him having the ego boost of thinking the reason I don't want to be involved is because I'm so in lurve with him that is painful for me. I'm so over it now I've seen his true colours!