Long Distance Relationship feels like its starting to fail

[bananarama75]

Hello MNers,
I posted before christmas about my LDR of 5 years and whether it was the right time to move to be together. In a nutshell, I/we have been planning for me to move to be with my fiance in his home this summer but my DD was totally against the move and I decided that it was no longer the right time to make the move. I told him over xmas and he was ok about it. Though in need of lots of reassurance that 'we' were ok.

The reality now, is that it will be another 5 years before we will be in a position to move in together. Unless he moves in with me. WHich is an option but not a very viable one as he works/lives on family farm and has never known anything else. He has 2 DS - one at college and one who is unemployed and doing f-all (as far as i can tell) to get a job. (a serious bone of contention for me)

Anyway, the reason i am posting is because I am feeling really like Im letting go of the relationship. Since xmas I just dont feel like there is a future for us. But I dont know if its just because I have had to refocus my attention on staying put in my home town/job/friends/ etc or if its more than that.

He has always been worried that I will dump him at some point and up until now I have been 100% committed to our relationship but now I am finding it difficult to say those words.

Its been a big mental shift for us both, for the last 4 years or so we have been planning a life together but now that is not going to happen.

I do love him but I dont feel the same - I am trying hard to sort through my feelings and wondering if i will ever get those feelings back. Is it just because of the recent decision that i feel like this or is it terminal?

I must admit that the thought of another 5 years of seeing eachother every weekend does not fill me with pleasure. Another 5 years marking time. I will be 52 years old before I can move. The most worrying thing is that I am not missing him when we are apart.

His parents run their farm and he is little more than hired help although they cannot run it without him - they still pay him by the hour. Things might change in the next few years but I am not holding my breath on that. It is another reason why I didnt feel it was the right time to give up my independence/job/home/friends. Although of course the main reason was my DDs happiness.

He is the most loving man and adores me and part of me feels that i would be crazy to give that up and that I should do everything i can to get that loving feeling back. I dont want to be with anyone else either. Maybe i just need some me time. I work full time and every weekend is taken up seeing eachother which I find exhausting. Some weekends I would like to just do nothing, and see my friends and family or do stuff just me and my DD.

At xmas I said that i would like to have some time to myself now and again (the odd weekend without him) and he was very anti-that. He took that harder than the news that i couldnt move down this summer. He thinks that it is the start of something more worrying. Maybe he was right. or maybe the pressure and neediness that seems to be flowing from him is what's putting me off.

Do I cut my loses and break up with him? anyone got any experiences of long in time and long in distance relationships?

Is the farm owned or are they tenants - on the death of his parents he could be homeless and jobless if so, is he looking to be rescued? I had a similar LDR where I worked and saw him every weekend. When I changed jobs and the weekend thing stopped (so now we only see each other sporadically), things got much better. I do my own thing and enjoy seeing him far more, but he gets impatient that it's only once a fortnight or less...but it suits me!

Maybe try giving yourself a bit of 'me' time and see if you miss him? I missed my OH eventually after six weeks apart and we rekindled our relationship. Maybe one day we will be together permanently, but I'm still enjoying being alone now my kids have left!

Why aren't his kids helping on the farm if they aren't working?

Another side to maybe consider is that no relationship is ever going to be a complete fit. There will have to be compromise especially if you both have separate pasts! It's always going to be like putting together a jigsaw.

There are plenty of people with their SO working away for long stints at a time or only able to see each other at weekends due to working away during the week. If your SO worked on the oil rigs you wouldn't see them for six months at a time!

These relationships can work for people and can work well but I suppose you need to be of the disposition to cope with it.

Do you think a slight change of mindset may help? Rather than thinking everything is pretty much on hold for five years and it's not going to be like a proper relationship with a future till then. How about you think of it as a more unique relationship, swap a couple of days during the week for weekends if you want a weekend free for whatever reason and your relationship is just like one where the partner works in the city during the week?

its too late, you've invested too much time, energy and feelings to give up without at least trying to make things work.

That's the sunk costs fallacy.

So he works on his parents farm and they support him?

From personal experience I can tell you to be very careful when I read the bit about the two sons and one being a lazy so and so, I've been there and in five years time nothing might change in that regard and it will drive you up the wall having to live with a young adult doing FA with their life, it did to me so proceed with extreme caution.

I think you should start seeing your friends at weekends too and tbh another five years sounds hard especially when you don't really sound 100% invested now.

Thank you everyone i have just got back from a flying visit to my DP's. It went better than expected and he seemed at pains to make me feel really special. I think he knows I that i have pulled away a bit of late.

Having read your great replies (thank you once for taking the time to reply it really does help) and also doing some of my own soul searching I feel that there is still a chance for us. I need to separate what's going on with the farm/his kids and not let them overshadow our relationship.

Zaphod & Adora - the parents own the farm so it will pass to the 3 children in time though at that time it will have to be sold. Until that time it has been talked about the 2 sons (my DP being one) taking over the running of it. But things move slower than a snail in these parts so i am not holding my breath that things will change anytime soon. Although my DP is trying his best to move things along.

Im glad its gone well op.
I do think the farming community have a totally unique way of dealing with situations and sometimes it can take a bit of adjusting to

Agreed Montane50 - i was probably unprepared for just how different being part of a farming family is. I doubt i will ever be looked upon as a real member of the family although they are lovely to me and dont in any way exclude me, its just the way they are. Although of course my DP doesnt feel that way and wants us to run the farm business together once I have moved down. All a long way off for now and lots of changes needed in the meantime.

I almost married into one family but had a narrow escape. Though perfectly nice to me, i always knew I didn't quite fit in, a relative on the other hand did and now runs the business alongside her dh so it can be done x

I would read up further on the sunken costs fallacy banana because it will cause you to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

Nothing has really changed from before; you are still not remotely compatible on key areas such a tidiness, money and parenting.