Feeling hurt by my sister - am I over-sensitive?

[sycamore54321]

I have only one sister and she is my closest friend. For the past two years, I've lived abroad. I've recently had my second baby here.

My sister has never visited. When invited, she said that she felt unable to leave her children while they were so young (4 and 2), and that she didn't feel they were old enough yet to take on an airplane. She also said that if ever she did come alone, she would do so at short notice so that she didn't have weeks and months to dread the thought of leaving the children. Fair enough, these were her reasons and while I'd love to have seen her, I fully accepted them. From time to time, I remind her that she is welcome any time, solo or with her husband, with or without their children, with lots of notice or very little, for a long or a short stay. But I don't believe I have put any undue pressure on her. Because of the short-notice thing, I do let her know when we are likely to be away or have other guests in case she wanted to come one of those weekends.

I miss her and would love to see her, especially to introduce her to my baby, but I do understand her reasons. So I was delighted when she suddenly said she would visit for four days in the autumn (Monday to Thursday - I will be back to working full time at this point, so have already booked holidays to cover it). Then it transpired that the primary motivation for her visit is that a group of her university friends are having a girls weekend in my city the weekend before and she will stay on an extra few days with me.

I know it is silly but I feel very hurt that I was not sufficient reason to visit before, and that her reasons for not visiting me don't apply to her friends. She is happy to plan months in advance with them. Overall I am delighted that she will be coming but I can't help but feel hurt by this scenario.

For context, when she lived abroad (both of us pre-children), I visited at her invitation a couple of times a year, despite it being a much further flight than where I am.

Am I being oversensitive? Should I just try to forget about it? Or should I say something and if so, what?

Killing 2 birds with 1 stone is sensible making it more justifiable to be absent from her family and certainly doesn't mean the the trip away with friends was the primary motovator at all. It could either the primary factor or a contributory one, we just don't know but it'd be wrong to presume as both are possibilities.

Have you said how long a flight it is? That would make a difference to take on it I think.

Hi OP. Totally understand why you'd feel hurt but if I were your sister I might well be the same - I absolutely hate flying (to the extent I'd happily never go abroad if it were up to me), but flying with a group of friends would be much more attractive to me.

Maybe now she is a mum she is not as confident and fearless as she used to be. That can happen. Its also common not to want to leave the kids. Maybe her friends company lessens her worries. You are lucky to have a sister and I think sensible to give her the benefit of the doubt.

It's not that l wouldn't make the effort as l have in the past. But recently l've had a lot of expense, 3 dc in college so actually pinning down a time that l can justify the expense is difficult. I procrastinate. I decide this is the time then l panic at the last minute thinking it's not a good time. So friends going would focus my mind maybe and help me make that final decision to just go. What l was trying to say is that it in no way takes away from me seeing my db as l would be so excited. And that would be a highlight for me.

answering done questions - Flight is about six hours, which is definitely not close but I wouldn't think completely impossible either. Unless she has changed radically and secretly and not mentioned it, it's not a fear of flying (and if it were, why wouldn't she say so?). When she lived abroad, it was an indirect flight for me with the long flight being 11 hours. And as much as you can ever know somebody else's finances, I really don't think it financial - off peak flights can regularly be had for £350 which is not a hugely significant sum for her, and is a lot less then her peak flights, let alone her luxury hotel for her girls weekend.
While it's not comparable and again none of my business, she has previously left her children for up to two days to attend friends' weddings.

I was missing her a lot but perfectly happy to accept her reasons when she didn't come before. It just stings to realise that these reasons don't apply or can be overcome much more readily when someone else is doing the asking.

I certainly don't expect her to travel every three months or anything but would love to have her here just once so she can get a feel for our lives here which makes it much easier to stay connected over Skype calls etc. And now I would dearly love to show her my new baby. As well as just spending time with her, of course. I will make the absolute most of her visit (have already booked time off work, even though I have very few holidays after maternity leave) and will enjoy. There is no point in saying anything to her about my feelings.

Why have you not invited her famliy out for 2 week holiday?

I have invited her to come in any combination - as a couple, with one or both children, on her own, with my parents or a friend - for any duration she likes. A standing invitation since before I even got here.

But you have not given her dates. Why not invite them outo for one of kids birthdays or your birthday . So they can have a 2 week holiday.

I'm sorry if I haven't made this clear - she is welcome to come literally almost any day of the year. She knows this. I have told her this. I have told her I will take time off work if she did come. I have told her she can stay for as long or as short as she wishes. She has said that's does not want to bring her young children on a flight. I really don't see how instead of this invitation, saying "please bring your family to visit from 10 July for two weeks" would have made her any more likely to visit - indeed it suggests that she might be less welcome at a different time or on her own.

Perhaps she really fancies a few day break away from all kids and responsibilities. I think it's great that she is travelling to your city though and will get to see you too . I know for a fact my brother does not let us know when he is about for the rugby games as he getting away from his kids and responsibilities. Only see him at Christmas really . Enjoy your few days with her and don't overthink it

I think she does fancy a few days break without her DC and this is the perfect opportunity. She may have sold it to her dh on the basis that the uni friends date was fixed and great, she can visit you as well. Open invites can easily be put back and back even inadvertently. Other stuff comes along etc.

I can see you are a bit hurt but get over it and plan a fabulous few days. That way she might even want to come again.

NB do you live in a place people want to visit? My db has moved around a lot. They've had some locations where they've been swamped with guests and some where nobody came at all. Sad to say it does make a difference.

Thanks for the reply. Yes definitely a massively attractive place to visit, it's a hugely popular, thriving, bustling, cultural, vibrant city. I've honestly never met anyone who doesn't want to visit this city at least once. And she loves big cities. Anyway this thread has been helpful to clear my mind. Thanks all.

Killing two birds with one stone, as previously mentioned, puts you on a degraded status no matter how economical or convenient or timely the plans are, imho. I had a lot of killing two birds with one stone from my sister and I suppose I was supposed to be in awe of her planning and wit, but it made me feel like her "attention" towards me was a chore, or that I was not worthy of her full attention.

Have you ever had any sort of sense of any sibling rivalry going on that she may just want more "space" (emotionally, not just physically gained from living on different continents)?

No, genuinely not an ounce of sibling rivalry, not since we were about 13 anyway. She is my closest friend and I genuinely thought she would say the same about me. This is why her behaviour on this issue is hard for me to understand.

Thanks again.

So what would happen if (when discussing the trip) you light-heartedly said "well I'm glad your friends chose x location, otherwise I wouldn't have got to see you!"
She may have something to say about this. But you have to be able to keep it light, if you question her with the approach on this thread it may sour the visit.

You do live a very long way away and although not particularly scared of flying I am increasingly worried about being away from my children or about something happening (crash? Terrorist attack?) while apart from them.