H has left - emotionally reeling, financially fucked.

[JohnnyMarr]

Two weeks ago my H of 17 years walked out following a two minute conversation about how he " just wasn't feeling it."

I am really not coping on anything but a very minimal level, it has taken a Herculean force of will to keep it together for my DC, particularly when coupled with various other ongoing stresses and if it wasn't for the support of my friends and family I honestly think I might have broken by now, and, frankly, still fear I'm on the brink of doing so. Have been to the Docs (sobbing throughout my appointment) and she helpfully suggested seeing a solicitor or the CAB. Because I hadn't thought of that

I feel constantly sick and on edge, have lost a stone in weight, and my head is just a mess. He left us before, 18 months ago (totally out of the blue) and following extensive counselling we got back together. I just feel so incredibly, pathetically stupid to have taken him back, so gullible to have thought things were okay, only for him to do this. Again. Not just to me but to our poor DC.

As well as facing the horrific emotional turmoil he's caused I am utterly financially shafted having been a SAHM / trailing spouse for over a decade now. I've supported him in progressing from a low paid manual job to earning a six figure salary because I thought it would be beneficial to us all, but clearly the DC and I are now surplus to requirements and he has already set up a new account in his sole name so I can do nothing but wait and see what scraps he deigns to toss us. Despite him being a high earner assets will be fairly negligible as he has a spending habit to match and has run up a significant amount of credit card debt.

If anyone could offer practical advice, stories of how they've been through a similar nightmare and come out the other side, or even just a handhold I'd be eternally grateful. I honestly can't begin to see how I'll ever get through this

I'd think about practicalities now-getting a job would be number one on my list. What job did you do pre being a SAHM?

All I can say is it does get better. The beginning is this feeling of utter loss and panic almost - like you are standing where a massive sinkhole has just opened up and all you can do is wonder what the hell just happened.

But the shock does subside and you will begin to create a new idea of what your future may look like. Then it starts to get sweet, because you realise actually you lived with all sorts of pressures you'd just got used to and now that person has left, he's taken all that shite with him.

One day the weight of the world will be lifted from your shoulders.

To get there, you take small steps of sorting things out. You need to firstly have the child benefit in your name. Then, you call the job centre (I presume you are uk) to set up an interview with the lone parent advisor. They will talk you through the various benefits you may be able to access whilst your finances are shit.

Then you start to think about work. Part time is best for a lone parent. What do you want to do? What are you trained to do? Will you do some course to get trained up?

Then you get a job.

At some point you may have to think about where you live - you might not be able to afford it. You might want to rent somewhere that is yours and the childrens. You will probably want to sell the house as part of the divorce proceedings. The divorce stuff can take a long long time. You will not be elligible for legal aid but can negotiate paying an amount per month. You need to think worse case scenario, he'll drag it out, refuse to give you info about his finances, you'll have to pay for court visits where the judge forces him to do it, which he then ignores for as long as possible. Basically, your access to the marriage assets will be at least a year or so down the line - this is the best way to think.

All of this takes time. Believe in your mind to take you through it, whilst you think about day by day, until you are able to think about week by week, month to month, year to year. Small steps will lead to big leaps.

And you'll feel amazing by the end of it all.

Lets Before becoming a SAHM I taught English abroad for a bit, had a couple of jobs in retail and then worked in admin for several years, but the system was in-house so would definitely need to upgrade / update my skills for another office-based job. My degree is more or less useless now, even more so as it's semi-rural where we live and I don't really have the option of uprooting the DC and leaving our support network behind. Given the sparsity of my CV I can't imagine potential employers are likely to be rushing to snap me up so I'm just going to have to take whatever job I can get for now and contemplate how I can maximise my earning capacity longer term.

Toptoe Thank you for such sound and structured advice, as you suggest I think baby steps are key, my head's all over the place and I keep worrying about what will happen months and years down the line but I guess for now I need to concentrate on the short term.

Sorry this has happened to you Johnny. Your husband is treating you and your children appallingly.

It might be worth having a conversation with a solicitor about the impact of you getting a job before sorting the divorce settlement, particularly if the work is insecure.

Do you have any kind of TEFL qualification? There is a demand in quite a lot of areas for EFL teachers, both adult and in schools. So that's something worth investigating.

Please dont start thinking about getting a job yet. That's a massive change to how you currently live your life and you have enough on your plate for the next couple of weeks.

You should be entitled to Child Tax Credits, but for now H needs to sort this out.

Just popping by to offer tea and sympathy. I too have been where you are, and know you will get through it. Baby steps, deep breaths and do what you have to do.

I live rurally too, and have ended up working in a local (tiny) supermarket. It's actually lovely and a great way to get to know everyone in the locality, the pay is NMW but the hours are surprisingly flexible, maybe keep an eye open in your local community for something similar?

And don't rely on his money. If he's anything like my ex, he can and will stop payments regularly (because he needs that holiday, of course), and it can take years to get it back. So become as financially self-reliant as you can.

Thanks for the continued advice and sympathy

Divorce lawyer followed by a trip to the Family Planning Clinic with my 14 year old DD this morning.

Feeling pretty fucking wretched.

How did you get on with the lawyer?

She was lovely OFFFS, very empathetic but also obviously very capable.

She said that because there aren't going to be sufficient assets for a clean break my starting position should be DC and I staying in the house until DS is 18 / out of full-time education with H paying both child and spousal maintenance and when the time comes to sell I should fight for the vast majority, if not all, of the equity (not that that'll get me far!) Because of the lack of assets to begin with she's advised attempting to thrash out the finances via mediation in so far as possible to attempt to keep costs down.

Given that I literally have no money I think mediation is my only option to begin with but I'm clearly in a vulnerable position. H claims to want to settle things amicably, but that's easy to say when all the balls are in your court!

Okay well ask for child maintenance at CMS rate - as legally he can be forced to pay that.

Then you insist on spousal maintenance for you which should/can last beyond the youngest finishing education.

I would also insist that remaining in the home is until your youngest is 21/22 bearing in mind the need a home in the uni holidays/the take that long to earn a reasonable wage to contribute to rent etc. Children are not financially independent at 18!!!!

Would moving to a cheaper property be an option - as ultimately one or both of you still need to be able to pay the mortgage...

I wonder if he even realises that his financial obligations are going to remain even though he's ended the marriage?? It's going to kill his spending habits! Do you think there is any risk of ending up bankrupt? Could this be discussed with him as a reason for the house deeds to be signed over to you now to protect it - obviously he will still stay on the mortgage.

Don't forget his pension! Quite often men are prepared to sacrifice more equity in order to keep more pension.

IIRC Spousal Maintenance is taken into account for some benefits (Universal, if you are in a universal credit area), but child maintenance isn't.

I completely agree with staying in the house until your youngest DC is 21. I went for 23 (given the 'boomerang' generation). We settled on 21.

Mediation worked really well for us. The mediator helped us stay focused and on track, reminding us it wasn't 'therapy' but a tool to sort things out. You must take advice on pensions, one third of pensioners living in poverty are divorced women. The mediation formed the basis of the court order. It wasn't cheap, but it did save on solitors fees in the long run.

A good solicitor is worth their fees. Anything else is a false economy.

The process was relatively painless, thanks to the mediator, solicitor and pension advisor. Not cheap, but it worked. XH paid their bills as part of the deal.

Work out what you need to spend, don't scrimp. You need to leave yourself wriggle room. It will all be negotiated on, so start off in your best case scenario. Think about what you and your DC need to maintain your lives as they are now. For me, the goal was minimum impact on the DCs, so they sustained their activities and life as it was before XH left.

Thanks again, the above has definitely given me some food for thought. I have absolutely no idea what his pension status is but hopefully this will become clearer following full financial disclosure. He also had to pay a 20K "tax bill" a few years ago - I saw no actual written evidence of this and so the solicitor I saw yesterday has said he will need to show some form of documentation to prove that that is indeed where the money actually went. I suppose I have to contemplate the possibility that the 20K and money spent subsequently (for which there's nothing much tangible to show at all) have been used to set him up with some kind of slush fund.

I honestly feel physically sick at the thought that he could potentially have been so callous and duplicitous but given his recent behaviour, and despite 20 years together I'm beginning to question my own take on "our" reality.