How/Should I tell my sister her husband needs to grow up? (bit long sorry)

[AnneJones]

I will try to be as objective as possible in laying out this situation, but as I am sure you will see, I am slightly biased.

My sister has been married for 6 years to a guy a few (3) years older than her. They have recently had their first child. Her DP is in a well-paid job, and she is not, and currently she's only working two days a week. They don't have a joint bank account.

From what I can gather;

• until she went on mat leave they were sharing all the bills equally.

• He bought himself a £2.5k watch on the same day as they went shopping for an eternity ring for her.

• It was her birthday recently and her present was that he'd pay for a haircut she'd already booked.

• They don't go on holiday cos they "can't afford it"

• She does the majority of the housework, he works long hours and at weekends and when he does come home he feels entitled to 'chill out'.

• I see my niece about once every 6 weeks at the most, usually on a Saturday. Mum told me my sister said that I have to inderstand that her DP doesn't get to see the baby very much either - basically that I shouldn't hog her. (I find this laughable and will in no way be modifying my behaviour).

My sister is so loyal to him and will vigorously defend him to us. It is his birthday this week and he is annoyed that his father has offered to pay for something for him that he'd already planned. I think 'sauce for the goose' myself but my sis is encouraging us all to buy him 'surprises'. She is also very anxious that she hasn't planned enough fuss for his birthday. He has already said he was jealous of the fuss made of my sister on her birthday (we're a close family and we like a fuss!)

We keep thinking that if we show him enough how to treat her he'll get the idea, but he prefers to say 'oh it's ok for you' - he always feels incredibly hard-done-by with life and never lifts a finger to see things from anyone else's POV.

How should I go about telling her what I think? How can I empower her to tell him what he's doing? To my mind he needs a good slap and to be told to grow up, but I don't want to jeopardise my relationship with them as a couple as he is an awkard sod and could make things very difficult.

Any advice, ladies?

yes

do not ever have this conversation with her ! she has chosen her partner, she knows what he is like, they have a child together...if they chooose to spend on jewellery etc..it might well be they cannot afford a holiday

he sounds jealous of teh family relationship, but IMO, if you say this, then she will , as he is her partner and the father of her child, remain loyal to him

if you only see them every few weeks, it does not affect you that much

Thanks Lulamama - the thing is, she is being crushed. She's a shadow of the girl I grew up with who was always so courageous and sparky. If I felt she was treated as an equal I'd think fair enough. But she isn't. He is physically bigger than her and thinks he's cleverer - her is certainly adept at winning arguments by using cold logic, and she gets flustered. (I know this works on her - I used to use this on her too...when we were kids...then she'd wallop me instead!) She gives him so much loyalty and support then he whines that everyone elses lives are better than his cos he is taking all that for granted.

I find this situation so frustrating and hate to see her like this. He never even tells her she looks nice.

it is a horrible situation , when you see someone you love, being brought down, in any way.....but, it sounds as though she wouldn;t be receptive to a conversation about it

she will not leave him, he won;t change, but you can change the way you react to their situation. that is within your control.

they may well have lots of good times together that you might not see.....and none of us really know what goes on behind closed doors..

not nice, but you might well lose your relationship with your sister if you say something...

so you tell her she looks nice.

stay out, i think, unless she asks you, but be prepared, it's best just to agree with her.. rather than point out his failings. it woudl only gt her back up. my mum pointed out my dh failings and it (unfortunatley) made me resolute to sticking with him.

Thanks Bandstand - we do tell her as often as we see her. But she wants to look nice for him of course. And he comments that she is LUCKY to have a family that's so nice to her. It always comes back to him.

BTW I am hearing you all - I have managed to tread a fine line for the 9 years they have been together - I think she does know how I feel, and in unguarded moments I believe she agrees. I just want to give her some courage to stand up to him somehow.

Out of the two of us, close friends have said they would have never thought she would be in this sort of relationship, and that if either one of us was it would have been me. I lucked out by finding an angel of a man.

sad for you. he does sound childish. if she was so sparky before she must have it in her somewhere.

The only thing you can do is be there for her, encourage her to be more outgoing. Dont put him down though, that would just have the opposite effect. you will just have to deal with him through gritted teeth

I don't think it's your place, if I am honest.

She hasn't asked for your help (not mentioned in the OP), so I don't think unsolicited advice will go down well.

Even though it is hard, you must bite your tongue. Some of my friends have picked the most unbelievable rogues for partners, but you just have to be there for them in hard times.

If he's not being cruel to her or her child, then you should not get involved.

Sounds like she's happy with him.

don't breathe a word, no matter how tempted you feel.

she'll need you when bad times come, and she'll need an unjudgemental, caring sister.

it's really not your place to say. So he bought himself an expensive watch, did your sister get her eternity ring? if he'd bought the watch instead of the ring then I would say selfish, but as well as? I can't see the problem tbh. In fact I would feel bad if dh spent loads of money on me and he didn't get anything.

And my dh works bloody long hours and I think he deserves some chill-out time. Although mine does help with chores on weekends.

ditto re weekends, dh doesn't see much of ds during the week so I feel that weekends are dh/ds' time.

I'm in complete agreement with lulu - and tbh i don't think it sounds like she's being badly treated! If he works long hours and she works two I'm sorry but she should do almost all the housework on her 3 days.

FAmily time at weekends - i can understand why she would wnat to keep it for her, DP and baby.

You will ruin your relationship with your sis if you speka out

Message withdrawn

I think Summerfruit has put her finger on it. It is almost the case that the more her family do for her, the less her DP feels he has to.

If weekends are his time with his daughter why does he fill his time doing anything other than spend time with her...except when there is someone else hoping to have some time with her? At least the baby is a delightful and bubbly child, but it's interesting how she smiles more for Grampa than Daddy.

My sister did all the housework when they both worked full time because "she earned less" so it was "fair"...apparently. Now she does it because she's at home " doing nothing" half the week (!). To my mind she is a saint. (But them as I said my DP is an angel and we share everything, chores, money, responsibilities.)

I am just really sad for her and wish I could help. She carries a lot of worries and responsibilities. Her self-esteem is so low.

AnneJones

You are right to express concern (he does sound totally awful) but the only person who can help your sister is actually her own self. All you can do is be objective.

Being at all nasty about him will only serve to make her push herself even more into his arms.

For many and varied reasons she has chosen to remain with her husband. Perhaps she will one day wake up to what he is really like, she may not though. She may well defend him out of fear - have you considered that?.

It never fails to sadden me how many women with low self esteem marry or live with men like this (controlling men have bloody good radar and hone in on women who are unsure of themeselves) who continue to dominate their existance.

Thanks everyone - guess you are all really confirming that my behaviour in not saying anything for 6 years has been right - I would be devastated to find she would want someone to step in somehow while I was holding back. And it does feel that while we hold back we are somehow condoning his behaviour which really grates on us all.

Sorry - the frustration is such that I sometimes need a bit of a rant before going back to my bleeding tongue routine...

I think she knows what we think anyway. He isn't actually a bad person, just an insecure one.