DP is driving me mad, am I?

[marilyn246]

Looking for advice:

ok so Friday night my DP came home after being away for two days. Both kids at grandparents, dinner in the oven a bottle of wine on the table. The problem? I had my engagement ring on the wrong finger.
Why have you got your ring on the wrong finger? Oh I didn't realise. Is it?
You know it is! Now you mention it, but does it really matter?
Yes why have you done that? I didn't do it on purpose?
I expect you didn't wear it at all today and you have just put it on! Oh stop being so stupid (i leave the room) when I go back in ...
Who have you friended on facebook? Pardon?
Who have you friended on facebook? Mmm The new lady at work.
Why have you done that? I was just chatting to her today so friended her.
Who else have you friended? No one
Well you have three more friends than the last time I looked, who is it?
I haven't friended anyone else, honestly. Look ( I show my friends list)
So now the evening is ruined. I'm angry and can't be bothered to speak to him.
He goes to another room as he cant sit there if I'm not going to talk to him.
Then he keeps coming in goading me.
You really don't want this to work do you
you're a cold hard bitch
you're just like you're mother
you are driving a wedge between us.
I tell him that I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I haven't done anything wrong.
he says its all my fault as i do not initiate sex anymore, I don't text him enough when he's away, i don't fling my arms around him when he returns. Because I wont talk about why I am not like this.
Eventually he goes to bed. I know I am shutting down. I have been for over two years, just gradually feeing worn down and numb. So when he says its my fault I believe him.
this is not the first incident, infact these kind of arguments are getting more regular. Is it me?

LTB

Please report him. He's a nasty bully. Your kids will become much better adults if you show them that this is not acceptable.

No it's not you! Imperial is right, he would have started a fight with you whatever you said or did.

In normal relationships, people are nicer to the person they share their life with than they are to anyone else.

They are kind to each other and want good things for each other.

Of course him hitting you round the head is enough to report. It's very dangerous, too. It can cause real damage.

You're better off without him. The way he treats you is awful.

Police. He's assaulted you. Please don't put up with this.

I do find it quite odd though that you would be confused as to which finger your engagement ring goes on, never heard that before.

I imagine if my DW caught me wearing my wedding ring on the wrong finger she would be very suspicious and I would get cross examined as to why.

Is there anything in either of your pasts which might explain his lack of trust and jealousy?

I think the ring is irrelevant and should go in the bin

Harmless chap what's the ring got to do with anything when he's clearly abusive and slapping the op around the head?

He is abusive and I urge you to call Women's Aid for advice and support ASAP. Their number is 0808 2000 247 (it's open 24 hours but can get busy so if you don't get through first time, keep trying).

I also suggest you read these links:
Signs of emotional abuse
Am I in an abusive relationship?
The Abuser Profile

And do you have anyone you could talk to in real life, a close friend or family member who would be supportive?

Jesus OP, yes it's bad, he's assaulted you and not for the first time, there should never be ONE incidence of violence never mind several the relationship sounds toxic and basically shit!

I also agree with him projecting his own behaviours onto you, please start separating officially, nothing will change here.

Yes it's assault.

The rest of it is verbal/emotional abuse. Calling you 'cold' or 'like your mother' because you don't do what he wants immediately. Controlling your facebook (or attempting to). Grilling you over male friendships or any friendships really. Blah blah blah. He's tarring you with his brush - he'd cheat, so he thinks you will. And he wants to reduce your friendship circle because that's where you get your support and he doesn't want you to have any support. He probably slags off your family too, so you feel you can't get help from them either.

He won't change because he can't change. This is who he is. It will only get worse because each control tactic has to be escalated as the easier ones stop working. So he tries verbal bashing. It doesn't work he tries a smack around the head. That doesn't work, he'll try something else next time (a kick, shove, push you over, chucking things at you, maybe even excalate to holding you down, holding your neck, etc etc).

Also, is he aggressive verbally/emotionally/physically to the dc?
Do they see him doing this to you? Even if you think they are unaware, they will know what's going on on some level - it will surprise you what wil come out of the woodwork.

Get a CAB interview. Be secret about it. Don't give him any information about what you are doing. Hold your cards close to your chest. He will get nasty if he hasn't got another woman to leech off.

OP, Im flabbergasted that you don't realise that being "clipped round the head" is abuse

Also: he has said that he will find someone to sleep with and youll have to put up with it?

OP... Please please throw this disgusting man out of your life

What does 'see you in a couple of weeks' mean? Does he work away? If not, where has he gone?

OP I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Please report to the police - they will take it seriously.

I am so sorry you have lived with this. I hope he is out of your life forever now.

Yes, it's enough to report, oh my GOD.

People, you HAVE to end these relationships at the FIRST sign of abuse, jealousy and violence. It gets a lot harder a few years down the line because they've got away with it for so long. Not ONE bit of this happens in a healthy relationship.

If you see a happy, smiling, supportive couple who care for one another on TV do you think "what a load of fake bollocks"? It's not, it's really not. Behind closed doors - yeah, that's what the good ones are like. They care. They're kind. They do not harm, or hurt, or call their partners 'crazy', or control their lives.

Contact Women's Aid, see what your next steps are.

Please do not weaken and allow him back, your children need you to be strong now and protect them from him. His behaviour will influence what they think love is. Don't let him poison them.

No OP you are not mad.

He is an abusive pig.

You do not have to put up with this.

Call the police and report him for assault. He is abusive and controlling. Be glad he has left.

Get some legal advice.

Say he's left you and the children. Surely there must be a way you can legally change the locks if he appears to have left you all. He can't just come and go as he pleases after hitting you!

Get legal advice and initiate leaving him!

Glad that he's left. You could report him to the police for hitting you. The way he spoke to you was abusive.

He clipped you round the head.
NOT normal.
Get out now. Do what pp have said re paperwork etc and get out.
(also wondering what the wrong finger thing is about - but irrelevant)

Feeling low today. Sat in work unable to concentrate. Thank you everyone for your advice and support. :-(

OP, have you had any thoughts on what your going to do? A lifetime with this man cant be that tempting can it? People stay with long term abusive partners out of habit, not love. There was a post yesterday from a woman who had left her abusive DH 6 weeks ago and she updated saying how great she is feeling. Also the lovely lady who left her abusive DP recently when he was pressuring her to have a termination. Please please take strength from them woman. Whatever reasoning and blame that's being thrown at you, at the end of the day.. Men don't hit woman xx

As PP have said, He came home looking for a fight. He accuses you of being unfaithful, is controlling, and leaves promising to sleep with someone else. I wonder when the sleeping with someone else actually started?

OP, you know what to do. Follow the advice on here, get some real life help, report him for the assaults. If you tolerate this, it will only escalate. If you report it, it'll be on record, and just maybe it will stop someone else falling victim to it one day, too.

He's checked out of the relationship long ago, and is acting the twat to make you split up with him, so that he can play the victim/martyr. It really doesn't matter though, because you will be rid of the fuckwit.

Good luck. Sorry this is happening to you.