Ended my marriage last night............dont know if I can do this

[Peanutbutterandjam]

I posted a couple of months ago about the mess my marriage was in
here
since then I have done an awful lot of soul searching and realised I love my H but I am not in love with him and haven't been for some time and loving him like a friend or brother isnt enough.
I'd made a promise to myself that I would sort it out one way or another by my 30th birthday, well I was 30 this weekend and it felt like for years I had been hiding from my own feelings and suddenly I hit a wall and had to turn around and face them.
Another crunch point was while I was out with my friends celebrating my birthday, I was chatted up by a very very attractive 21yr old bloke and I realised I still had ugres IYKWIM just not for my H, I shouldnt feel like that.
That night I couldnt sleep and have barely done so since, I cant eat, I feel sick, but felt more sure about what I want.
So last night I had a chat wih H and told him how I felt. It was so hard but I wanted to be strong, but knew every bit of pain I felt he felt it 10 times worse.
He ended up sobbing over the kids (we have 2 of our own and 2 from my previous relasionship) he said without us he was nothing, he wanted nothing, we are his entire world, and he is right.
Why am I being such a cold hearted b1tch, this man loves me to pieces and would never intensionally hurt me (although he does he is just dense) and here I am throwing it all away because I'm not happy, because I dont want to be here.
To top it off he recently found out he has an underactive thyroid and some of the syptoms were his depressed like vegative homer simpson like state. Once he gets on the meds he should start to change, but for me its to late, I have tried and tried so hard to make this marriage work for the last god knows how many years and I dont want/ cant go on any more, I need out.
But now this morning I feel like giving in already So much is going to change and I so never wanted to put my older two children through this again. I dont even know where we are going to live.
We moved to this area 11 months ago, leaving all my friends behind. I only get to see them about once a month and I have struggled to make new friends here. I miss them so much, and could really do with them right now. but I love the house we are in and the kids are settled in their new school. H wants to stay in this area I want to go back, but do I uproot the kids again )for my own selfish needs) or stay around here. Another problem is the house we rent, the tenancy is up next month so we need to sort it out quickly and the landlord did state no DSS so doubt I could stay in this house on my own.
I just dont know what to do now, I felt so strong and positive about moving forward me and the kids and now I can see how much damage this is going to do to everyone around me I dont know if I can go through with it.
Should I just except a marriage I dont really want to be in, give him more time to change, hope my feelings return and if they dont just push my own desires away.
God I felt so strong and now I feel so weak, I dont know if I can do this

I don't know what to say. Half of me thinks you should wait to see whether the meds bring an improvement, but the other half thinks (on the basis of your other thread) that he is not going to change fundamentally. Failing to get a driving licence in a 6.5 year period and failing to sort out Relate to save your relationship are not impressive. The only thing which makes me more inclined to say give it another chance are your children, but maybe it's would be dragging an unhappy situation out and living in a negative environment is not a good thing for children, imo.

Not very helpful, but I really wanted to say that you have a very difficult decision to make which is finely balanced and there are good reasons to jump either way so whatever you do will be the right thing.

Thank you mumpbump
I really do feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I really have no idea how the meds might change him, I only wish he'd gone to see his GP this time last year when I'd asked him to, before things got as bad as they are in myself. He is his own worst enemy but it angers me that he only went as I forwarded him this would happen a couple of weeks back.
Right this min I could easliy give in, but I know if I do I'll only be here again in a few months, because I just dont think H is the person I want to be with anymore

hey - sorry you are having such a bad time. stay strong! look inside your own heart and head and you will know what you want. children are tough little things - they will be ok, if you are. good luck! xox

tbh i think you have to give him a chance - see what the meds will do. set another date, giving enough time for the meds to work and then see how you feel. i can understand that you feel like your life is on hold, but i think if there's a chance, you have to try. sorry

You?re in a difficult place at the moment and you have a lot of thinking to do IMO.

You say you love him but that you?re not in love with him. What made you fall in love with him in the first place? If he got that back would you be able to feel the same again?

It?s very easy to fall into a rut of one partner doing nothing and the other resenting it, and often the more you argue about it, the worse things become, because doing something means one party has to back down and backing down means admitting to being in the wrong to an extent and no-one likes doing that.

You need to think very hard about what you?re doing, ending this marriage is not going to be easy, think about the life you have now, and the life you will have if you leave. Is being the single parent of 4 children preferable to living with this man, who clearly loves you? He loves you, you may never find that again, are you prepared for that? Of course it?s flattering to be chatted up by someone else, but that?s not reality. I?m afraid to say that there are a lot of men who would run a mile at the thought of getting together with someone who has 4 children. If you leave now, it will be hard, very hard.

If that?s really what you want, if you really do not love this man and cannot stand to live with him any longer whatever he does, then leaving is the right thing, and as long as you?re prepared for it, then you have to do it.

But if there?s a chance that things could improve esp when he starts taking his medication, then you owe it to him and yourself and your children to try. And obviously he needs to do his bit as well and it will involve a lot of communication and possible visits to relate. But tbh it does sound as if you have something worth saving.

Good luck

I think you probably owe it to yourself ,him and the children to give it one last chance. Wait and see how the medication helps, it could take a couple of months to kick in. Hyperactive thyroid can be a very debilating condition, and sometimes it takes a little while for the right dose of medication to found. You might find you have the Dh you married back again.

What if I dont What if I cant find those feelings for him again? I've lost all my respect for him, I resent him so much and I honestly cant remeber what it was about him I fell in love with
I know I should but really feel like I cant do this one more time

Hi, i've just read your original thread.
This is only my opinion...

I think everything you described could be down to the thyroid thing. I think once that is sorted and you can get him to relate (maybe once meds are sorted he will be more inclined to get off his arse) then you could see a new person. I would say give it a go.

This is only my opinion and of course its down to you, good luck whatever your decision is.

The thing is, if you leave him now and then later find that most of his issues, laziness and lack of motivation is due to a physical illness you may regret the descion not give him one last chance. What is a few more months. ?

Shall I tell you something I learnt on here?Speaking from my personal experience, you have to do what your heart tells you. As much as the advice on here is meant well, it doesn't really help much in the long run as only YOU know, deep down inside, what you really want and need.

I asked about my relationship on here and got many conflicting views and I found myself arguing with those who told me what I didn't want to hear. So I guess in a way it helped to a degree as I did finally understand what I needed to do.

Go with your instincts and then do the best to help your kids by planning ahead and being as honest as possible with the older ones. Good luck with whatever you choose to do and make sure you try to have a positive outlook on the decision you make..beating yourself up never resolves anything.

don't rush in something just because teh deadline you gave yourself has arrived, the meds may make a difference or not do you love your h enough to give it another chance

Some of the other posters are right. Don't do something you are not sure about just because your self imposed deadline arrived. however if you are convinced that you cannot make this relationship work then you should end it rather than have it dragging on making you both - and the children too - suffer more. You will all get through it. You won't feel like it but it is true. My husband left me and our ds and I thought it was the end of the world. I didn't know how I would cope and then I realised that life goes on. I have a nice house, a job that I love, my ds is happy and my ex dh is sulking because I have made a life for myself which does not involve him. Your dh will move on. It will be hard but if you can remain friends then you can help each other come to terms with it.

I wanted to put my perspective on this - I was diagnosed with underactive thyroid last year, and after a year on medication for it I AM a different person; feel completely different. In some ways underactive thyroid is like being under a dark cloud of depression; in fact, in psychiatric units when people are admitted with severe depression, one of the routine tests is for underactive thyroid - that's how bad it can be.

And for what it's worth, I think your reasons for ending it are selfish....when you have four kids, two already from a split situation, I think your duty and responsibility is to provide them with a stable situation rather than another split and a move.

It's not what you want to hear I'm sure but that's my view. I don't think we have the right to self fulfilment in every area; you have the duty to communicate with your dh and work on getting those feelings back for your dh rather than some 21 yr old in a pub.

If you can support him through getting better from the thyroid thing (it might take a while establishing what dose is optimum for him) then who knows how much better things could get if you focus on your relationship rather than leaving.

I do realise from your post that you obviously feel you've tried and tried but give it six months to a year and your dh may be like a different man; the thyroid gland is a really important thing, governing so much of the hormones in our bodies and thus how we feel in every way. When kids are involved I think EVERYTHING ought to be tried to retain stability and you now have one more road to try; being with him when he's got his health issue sorted.

I just want to say thank you for your replies.

H and I are talking and trying to work around things. Its still not really resolved but we are working together and suporting each other.

I would like to make some points though.

I did not come to this desision on a whim or based on being chatted up by some bloke in a pub (It was mearly nice to feel alive inside and nothing happened) I set the dead line because it was one of the things I was advised to try (along with other various things which all failed)

The desision I made was based on 1. my feelings or lack of them (is it fair on H staying when I do not love him in the way a wife should love her husband) and 2. Spending the last 6 years having to do more and more as he did less and less to the point the last 2 years H mights as well have not even been part of the family.

His behaviour has not only hurt and angered me but the older children as well. Its not very nice having to make excuses to my DS when he asks H to say "play football" and is told (whilst H is firmly planted at his PC playing computer games) that he is too busy Both the older 2 have grown so use to H just not bothering with them, if I say go see if wants to go to the park, they instantly reply "he wont mum he's on the PC" etc.

I know these are all syptoms of his condition but finding out about it hasn't just suddenly magically made the hurt, anger and resentment disapear. I wish it had. H has been steadly getting worse over the last 6 years, and after years of begging trying asking, running myself into the ground fighting to make things work, I honestly have not a single ounce of fight left in me

I know the medication would make a difference to him but H has thrown yet another curve ball to me saying he is not sure he wants to spend the rest of his life on medication aparently his levels were just below normal (H didnt ask exactly what the reading was so I have no idea) and that depending on his next test he will either plain have to go on them or will have a choice, and H doesn't really want to.

I know his condition throws new light on the whole situstion and does change things, and believe me I didnt just think "oh bugger this I'm off" for weeks it has eaten me up inside, trying to work out what is best for Everyone (yes even H. He is very affectionate and has a high sex drive neither of which I can give him at the moment) and if including myself and my own feelings into the equation is selfish and wrong then yes I am guilty as charged.

I can see why you feel defeated by all this. It's hard to love someone who gives nothing back. But I would give your marriage another chance - just to see of the meds make a difference. And make his staying on the meds a condition of your staying together maybe.

And I don't think there is an way in which a wife 'should' love a husband. Each relationship is different and changes constantly. We have gone through so many stages it's like a different relationship to when we first got together. Some changes are good, some aren't, but I would think that the introduction of the meds is likely to be one of the good ones?

Good luck

am in the same boat as you at the moment. be strong. take care x x

Peanut, yes, it was obvious from your other post that this had been a longish term thing....and yes, what you describe with him playing on the computer instead of with his kids is just not good enough at ALL....I still think you have a window of opportunity NOW - he knows you mean business, he has told you how desperate he is to keep it together....

If this was me I'd literally write it all down in a letter to him; in order for you to stay he HAS to do certain things, whatever you think are the most important, I guess playing with the kids and getting off his lardy bum! Tell him you won't accept a, b or c any more. He really must stay on the medication (I don't think he's taken it all in, thyroid isn't something you can opt in or out of, it has serious consequences if you have long term underactive thyroid; and it isn't like being 'on medication', it affects NOTHING; he can drink, whatever he wants to do. All thyroxine does is put back in the body a hormone it's missing, so be strong on that one, make it a condition that he stays on it so long as it's a medical necessity, which it really must be or the doc wouldn't have prescribed it).

In return you offer to come to things with a genuinely open mind.

It really is possible to get feelings back, but yes I do agree with you, he needs to give some stuff to you and the kids now. Good luck.

Sunnysideup
I think my husband is concerned that he doesn't actually know who he is like his life is a lie and is scared he will become someone he doesn't know (does that make any sense) and that maybe once on them he wont need me or his feelings might change.
The last couple of days of talking have certainly revealed just how much we are both screaming and hurting inside, fighting with ourselves and our feelings. its a bl@@dy mess

well I guess there's no knowing how he'll feel, but as far as I know having your thyroid at the right levels leads to much more positive moods and a feeling of being able to cope with life.

I do wish you luck, and I don't want you to think I don't understand just how difficult things are...