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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me through right now

48 replies

anxietyrus · 12/02/2017 02:54

My not so DP has co,e home.

He went out this morning and said he would be back between 10 and 11pm. I fell asleep close to 11 and woke up at 2 to him not being here. I rang and rang and eventually he answered. He's blind drunk in town, said he has been trying to get a cab for 2 hours. I asked him why he didn't let me know and he said 'I've had a good night please don't row with me. You're saying I'm a bad person and I'm not"

I didn't say he was bad but admittedly I was crying.

Now he isn't answering again.
Somebody please keep me sane. I'm hosting a party at home at lunch time so could do with not being a nervous wreck all night. I feel so sick and cannot stop crying.

OP posts:

MagicChicken · 12/02/2017 05:36

And now you are going to spend your time wondering whether he was an innocent victim of assault or whether he was behaving like an annoying drunken or aggressive twat and got what was coming to him. One thing's for sure though, if he'd come home when he said he would and managed a few drinks without getting totally out of his tree it almost certainly would not have happened.

And this is where it all starts....

Good luck. You are going to need it.

MagicChicken · 12/02/2017 05:39

Seriously, I would leave him to sleep it off, get on with your lunch party, be bright and breezy around him when he eventually resurfaces if people are there, then tell him later that you are questioning whether you want to be in a long term relationship with someone so irresponsible and he might want to move out for a bit while you take things slower.

After all, you don't really know him properly yet. As today has just proved.

tweedledid · 12/02/2017 05:42

Magic that is exactly my idea at the moment. I just hope I can get a handle of my emotions before I have to face the world.

MagicChicken · 12/02/2017 05:49

Is is something you can cancel? Say you are unwell? It's going to be pretty awful if he wanders in halfway through stinking of stale booze with a massive black eye. People aren't going to think too highly of your new catch.

I'd tell him he needs to get up and go to his mum's after a few hours sleep and leave you alone for the day, or just cancel the whole thing as you've had no sleep. Get off MN now and get some rest or you'll have no choice but cancel! x

seven201 · 12/02/2017 05:54

Have his knuckles got any marks on? Just wondering if he threw any punches himself. I read your first post and thought you were over reacting a bit (I know I'm in the minority and it would piss me off too) but the being punched bit would worry me.

daisychain01 · 12/02/2017 05:56

He sounds like an utter waste of space.

Original poster

anxietyrus · 12/02/2017 05:57

Thank you for your response. I can't cancel I spent all of yesterday (I literally mean all) cooking and preparing every dish from scratch.
I have family coming I have not seen for years, children I have never met.

I can't kick him to his mums, she's 300 miles away

I thought my anxiety would subside when he returned but it's the same.
My head is killing and I just feel sick.

OP posts:

Original poster

anxietyrus · 12/02/2017 05:58

No his hands are fine. He wouldn't have hit them back or he would lose his career. That's why he was upset because he couldn't do anything.

OP posts:

redandwhite1 · 12/02/2017 06:35

I hate this feeling and had it many times

I think for me the worst is in the morning he'll remember nothing and won't get what the issue is but you're angry, tired and frustrated and he'll just be hungover!

Hope he's ok and I guess from this don't believe his timings in the future!!

Creampastry · 12/02/2017 06:55

You're living with him after knowing him for just 6 months?!

einalem1984 · 12/02/2017 07:05

I can understand you've been worried and he has been selfish for not letting you know he was alright especially when he knew you had an important party today. However, I'm sure he won't have meant to hurt you he was originally prob out having a good time with his mates and lost track of time. When my OH goes out I don't text or ring him because I trust him and it sounds like there might not be much trust in your relationship? He'll feel guilty today and have some making up to do I'm sure! I would draw a line under it for now and focus on enjoying your party today and have a good chat with him later when his hangover has gone and your party is over

Deathraystare · 12/02/2017 07:16

'm angry he hasn't let me know...is that justified?

If the boot was on the other foot? How would he feel if you were out all night and not told him.

Enough101 · 12/02/2017 07:17

Hi Op, I am hoping you have managed to get a couple of hours sleep by the time you see this. I am guessing you are a bit of an anxious person anyway, I am too so I understand. As well as him not coming home, you are probably a bit anxious about what seems like an important family function that you are hosting today? Your bf is home now but I imagine you were just as worried about how you were going to cope with this function today having not had much sleep, which then gives you more to worry about and means it's even harder to sleep. IT WILL BE OK. Even if you have had no sleep by the time they arrive, you will get through it and by 6pm this evening you will be exhausted and glad it's over. The cooking is done mainly, so all you have to do is have a shower, get yourself looking nice and then deal with the day. At least you will not be the one with the roaring hangover! You will just be tired. Bring it back into proportion, it will be ok!

As for your DP, that was a bit of a twatish thing to do....but if it's not something he does regularly, just let it go. I think he will feel bad enough when he wakes up anyway and he is an adult (allegedly) who has to deal with the fallout of his actions, ie., a blazing hangover. Is this lunch a kind of introducing him to the family type thing? If so, maybe he was a bit nervous and drank a bit too much? Happens to the best of us. If it's a one off, let it go. If it starts to become a habit, you may need to rethink whether your nerves can stand this on a regular basis. Enjoy your day that you have worked so hard for by cooking all that delicious food. You.will be surprised how well you can cope on no sleep.

MagicChicken · 12/02/2017 08:23

I'm sure the day will go great but I think it's best to ask him to stay upstairs all day or to get up and go out.

I wouldn't be comfortable introducing him to family and children for the first time with a raging hangover and a beaten up face. I'm sure he can find somewhere to go.

Original poster

anxietyrus · 12/02/2017 08:48

Morning everyone. Thank you for looking if your messages.
Yes I most certainly can be quite an anxious person. I have low self esteem but I do trust him not to intentionally hurt me usually.
I managed a few hours sleep but got woken up by my db calling me.
He just talked me through my thoughts, reaffirmed that I am justified in being unhappy about him not letting me know but told me to let it go until tonight. One so dp is functioning and two so I can collect my thoughts.
My head is so bad that's my main concern right now (as well as the puffy eyes)

Thank you so much to everyone who helped me I really appreciate it.

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 12/02/2017 09:09

People who are saying let it go - why should you? You've got a very busy, and I imagine quite stressful day coming up plus a tumour, and he has not only given you no support but has made everything 100 times harder for you.

Is this what you want from a partner?

Naicehamshop · 12/02/2017 09:13

I suggest that you totally stand your ground on this now, (once everyone has left this evening) and ask for a full apology from him. If he minimizes or doesn't understand how you feel then you need to get rid, otherwise this will KEEP ON happening. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?

Original poster

anxietyrus · 12/02/2017 09:22

I do believe he will apologise and it will be genuine but I can't say I trust it won't happen again.

Everyone is entitled to a blow out its just some people don't have the time/opportunity/friends to be able to so I don't feel I can begrudge him for having fun. I just feel unimportant as he didn't let me know. I can't work out if that's childish or not :/

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 12/02/2017 09:29

You shouldn't begrudge him having fun, so long as that fun doesn't impact badly on you and your life.

You are not being childish. You are asking your partner to treat you with kindness and respect. In a nice way, I would ask you to think about why you are setting the bar so low in this relationship.

Original poster

anxietyrus · 12/02/2017 19:15

I got through the day. I was a little up and down but I don't think anyone picked up on it. He's gone to fetch his car now so I guess I should speak to him when he gets back but I'm exhausted I'm not sure how to broach it to be honest.

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 13/02/2017 12:37

How did it go?

I hope you told him that you were disappointed with his behaviour.

Foxysoxy01 · 13/02/2017 12:44

Hope everything went ok OP and your feeling better now.

Original poster

anxietyrus · 13/02/2017 12:55

It went well.

He knows what he did was out of order and he is full of remorse. I told him that if it were to happen again then that would be the end.

I genuinely don't mind him doing whatever he wants when it makes him happy I just explain that this cannot happen at my expense. Just let me know!!

I also told him that I don't fully trust it won't happen again but I guess only time will tell when it comes to that.
I cannot thank you all enough foto helping me through the night and also through organising my feelings afterwards.

OP posts:

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