husbands reaction to me having pnd

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After 6 months of struggling on feeling crap but thinking well thats life i better get on with it have finally accepted i have pnd. Hv left notes for my h to read like a support pack and he went off on one. He's being very withdrawn and is helping me even less and he says thinks like for fucks sake whats wrong with you now. Im seeing the doctor tommorow so hopefully get some help and will feel stronger but at the mo i want to pack his bags !! I know the kids will be mortified if he left but i cant quite believe how he can treat me like this when he can see how tough im finding things, i feel he must not really love me so why bother staying with a fuck up!! Although it would cripple us finacially my 7yr old is already coping our behaviour by shouting and its just not good. I would apprecite any advice my head is up my bum and cant think straight.

I would be tempted to pack his bags as well, but im prone to over reacting and being mad!

Maybe a mans viewpoint on this would be better?

What about if he moved out just for a little while, so there's not so much tension in the house.

Give you both a little space.

Oh poor you.
I take it there's no way you can get him to come with you to the GP tomorrow? That way he might see how seriously everyone else takes it.
If not, talk to your HV: maybe she could appear when he's around and explain a few things to him?
It is bloody hard, dealing with someone (let alone someone you/your kids depend on) who is depressed, but it's even harder if you refuse to engage with the nature of the illness. He needs to be educated about depression.
My DH was scared when I was diagnosed with PND, as I suspect yours is, and initally didn't know quite how to support me, but I dragged him to the GP. It was so important to me that he engaged with it, and he did he read the leaflets and was good/helpful after that.

the only thing stopping me packing his bags is i couldnt support myself and kids on my wages alone. I also think a break for a short while would be beneficial to us both, i have suggested this to him before but he says ive no where to go which is partly true. Maybe i should put him up in a travel lodge for a week

i agree with baked potato, it sounds like ur dp doesn't understand the nature of the illness. Some people are of the 'can't see, ain't got it' school. I had PND and my dp never truly understood the extent of it either, it's like he would have prefered to believe that I was just a moody, insecure wreck of a person rather than someone who was really poorly and in need of help.

This is more common than we think though, Tom Cruise is the most popular example I can think of. He told Brooke Sheilds who confessed to having the disease to 'pull herself' together. After a serious downsizing from several other celebrity women, he did apologise for his comment but one can only feel for poor Katie Holmes.

Sorry to hear your going through it, I suffered severe PND and at first my DH didn't understand and thought a lot of it was just in my head and pull yourself together sort of thing, I wanted him to leave, but he did see the doctor with me once and she explained to him what it was like and he could relate, he didn't really take what I was saying seriously as I was a mess and yes him being 5 mins late in was a big deal because I thought he had had an accident etc etc.

Hopefully you can get your H to come with you, he might just be trying to accept it himself.

What was he like before your PND, was he a good hubby?

i'm sorry, but the bloke's a tosser.
i would be retorting with 'what the fuck is wrong with you you twat'
i dont know how bad your depression is, but i had the most awful thoughts that gave me nightmares. if my dh had said that, i dont doubt i could have killed him.
is he ashamed that his wife has pnd? seems he was ok before but now you have been diagnosed he's lost it?
at least he got a pack. i had to try to explain it to mine myself. btw, dh just stayed out of my way, so not very helpful but not antagonising either.
at least, i would suggest he moves out for a bit and thinks about someone other than himself. his attitude is going to hinder your recovery badly.

unless of course he bucks his ideas up and pulls himself together, pronto.

I have never had PND, and therefore can't really empathise with you - but I do know it's horrible. Am I sticking my neck out to say I guess it must be pretty horrible for your DH too. Perhaps his lak of sympathy stems from fear and frustration as to when his life will get back to what he imagined it might be after this baby?

Perhaps you should sit down with him and explain what your PND means to you. The info pack was a good idea but thats just like reading the possible side effect label in a medicine packet to a degree - not everyone gets all the symptoms or reacts the same to PND. If you tell him what your major fears and problems are, and what you ARE capable of doing then he can at least see where he has to put in more effoer ( and hopefully understanding).

I really don't think you should chuck him out at all. He sounds like he dosen't understand the condition or he is very scared and possibly feels helpless as to what he can do.

A lot of men just don't understand depression at all. (My exp did and I was lucky) but my dp dosen't really although he does try. My dad certainly didn't and kept telling my mum that it was all in her head and to pull herself together etc. It was only my mums Hv giving my dad a severe talking too that he started to change.

If you chuck him out you might just feel even worse as you will be completely on your own. Whats he like round the house or with the kids?

You poor thing. I'm very glad for you that you have now realised that you have pnd and so can start taking steps to dealing with it. It took me until my dd was about 15 months old to admit that I was suffering from pnd and the stress that I put me and my dh through in that time was immense.

I agree with others that you should take him along to the gp with you. Give him a chance to be helped to understand. If you have been living with this for 6 months, then so has he and is clearly not dealing with it very well. If he is stressed too, he may just not be strong enough to feel that he can support himself or you at the moment.

I know what you mean about not being able to think straight. Please don't take any major decisions now. Work through this as best you can and don't be afraid to look to friends and relatives for help and understanding and to take some of the pressure off you both.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

How did you get on at the doctors?

Did you manage to take Dh with you?

Hope your ok?

I had it pnd and my dh was a tosser as well. Didn't help that it was never diagnosed and I didn't know I had it until about a year later (thanks to mn), I just thought the stress was making me grumpy and bad tempered and even when I told him and printed some stuff for him to read, he showed no interest.

AS brandy has said, he's also of the "can't see it, not really there, can't fix it" school of thought, and even now, 4 years later, I still get down and he still doesn't care.

I resent him for it though, it has affected our relationship - for me - so I think you need to address it before it gets that far for you.

sorry to hear you're not getting any support

my exH was exactly the same - he said things like "since the Dr told you that you have PND, you are wallowing in self-pity"
he didnt read any books/leaflets I gave him

plus I was signed off work so he thought I was skiving & couldnt understand why I didnt have an imaculate house - it was all I could do do get out of bed

agree that maybe your HV could pop round & talk to you both?
I think he might be scared or just not understand - none of my family did but my parents at least made the right noises.

can you find someone local who has been through same thing? I had a friend whod had PND years before me so she could empathise...made it easier talkign to someone who didnt think I was mad or lazy

Thank you to everyone you are all really supportive. I saw a nurse at gps who had had pnd years ago she knew i was reluctant to take anything but suggested i take prozac for 6 months, so i have. I feel a bit sick but happier that ive taken steps to try to improve things for me and kids, sod the h. After sitting down and reading your posts just taking time out really helped me to see sense, he has been totally out of order and i wont forget this but i'll get strong again and i wont let anyone make me feel so bad again. Big hugs to everyone