Do I end my relationship?

[needanothercat]

I don't know what I am expecting posting on here but I feel like I don't know what to do or whether I am overreacting.

I'm 27 weeks pregnant and I am not sure whether it is my hormones or whether I should be genuinely questioning my relationship.

I feel like we do nothing but bicker and my tolerance for it has drastically reduced lately. I feel like he always has double standards ie we were (very gently) play fighting in bed this morning and because I poked his belly button he flicked his wrist and bopped me in the face, right in the eye and made it water and I instantly got my ass out because if that were the other way around he would be going mad at me although I would have apologised straight away. I know it sounds trivial but this belongs to a longish list of things that are infuriating me lately.

One thing that is really getting me down is the fact that he has no interest in conversations about our baby. A little back story on this- my 1st child, his 3rd plus large age gap between us. When I fell pregnant he lost the plot. Didn't want me to continue the pregnancy even telling me "get rid of the fucking thing". After everything calmed down and he got his head around the shock, he apologised and things have been fine since. I have had an awful pregnancy with my own health issues, HG etc but he has been supportive for the most part (1st few weeks were "you wouldn't be feeling so I'll if you weren't pregnant") but we have gotten over the initial turbulence of the pregnancy a day returned to a fairly good place bar this increasing bickering and my feelings of is this really the relationship I want?

He has no interest in getting baby things ready, no interest in the cute clothes I am obviously excited about and no interest in general conversation about baby. I think I may be being over sensitive to this as he is and man with few emotions and do even less words but I just want him to share my enthusiasm and dad excitement. When this happens all it leads me to think is that he still doesn't want this baby and his comments still resound in my head.
I know most of this is extremely trivial but I am struggling to know whether this is just my hormones going a little irratic or whether I should genuinely be questioning my future with this man.

I love him dearly but my love seems to be becoming increasingly clouded with resentment and frustration. I know he loves me and is not a bad man despite how he reacted to me being pregnant.

I would have no where to go if I left and I don't want to bring my baby up alone but something keeps telling me that I am not happy.

I appreciate any advice and thank you if you've read the whole post- didn't anticipate it being so long.
Thank you

I agree with the above poster. It sounds like he is thoroughly resentful of the fact that he is soon to become a father again. Only time will tell what is going to happen when the baby arrives, but his behaviour would certainly indicate that he's not happy.

The fact that he already has two teenage kids and is mid forties is probably compounding his anger because he (perhaps foolishly) assumed that he wouldn't have to go through it all again. Now the realisation is hitting home and he's pissed off, that much is obvious.

I don't think you should keep blaming your hormones for the way you feel and if your relationship is suffering now, I'm sorry to say that a baby will only intensify the stress you're currently under......

It seems to me he had children quite young, so most of his late 20s and 30s (?) were absorbed with being a parent. Speaking of someone who's child has now left for university - I feel relieved - I love her, but I'm also glad the hard parenting is over now. I suspect at some level he might feel the same and now he has to start again.....I think once the baby comes he will see it's different this time and the paternal instinct will kick in. I say stop worrying, but maybe talk to him about how he feels about starting again.

Sorry for the delay and thank you for all your input.
We had a talk yesterday which went well and he tells me that our baby is a good thing for him now after he got over the initial shock. I don't feel I can do much else at the moment than to believe that this is true and things that were said previously were heat of the moment. He also says that the closer it is getting to more nervous he is so I guess I should take into consideration that it isn't just me going through this! I take on board other comments and will certainly reevaluate if things don't pick up for us.

It's actually kind of hard to tell how much of a problem there is. Obviously the way he behaved when you found it you were pregnant was pretty awful, but good people can behave very badly sometimes under a lot of stress.
I would say that pregnancy can make you extremely intolerant and oversensitive, especially to your partner.
DH was not very 'on board' with my pregnancies (he wanted the first one, he didn't want the second, I railroaded him). Partly this was cultural, on his home country healthcare is not good, and they tend not to assume they are having a baby until it is in their arms screaming! But with both baby 1 and 2, he was wonderful when they arrived. The theory of a baby is very different from the baby itself, obviously this was not in his plan, but chances are he will fall in love.
I can understand how you might be feeling like if this is going to end it would be easier now than later. But I think there are too many what ifs to make a decision now. What if your feelings are down to pregnancy hormones? What if he turns out to be just as great a father as he is to his other children, but with the right woman this time?

Sorry didn't see your last update, glad the chat went well.

Perfectlybroken
Thank you for that message, it really means a lot to hear from people who have been in similar situations. You're right with the fact I don't really know if this is anot actual problem right now. I feel conflicted that it is a problem, I'm looking for a problem or that I'm totally oblivious to all the red flags! I really don't want him to end up resenting his own baby but as I say he is a very good father so I will be shocked if he did.

I do find myself being incredibly intolerant with him- you're right. Maybe I'm projecting onto him also. I am just finding it hard right now to forget about comments made in the heat of a very stressful situation, especially when it relates to my baby

I think I will be hitting the nail on the head if I say that there is poor coomunication going on between you two, which is probably reason for all of this problematic situation.

Like, you say you left the room when he did something bad to you, instead of actually telling him that it was bad enough so that he can be more careful next time.

Then there is the baby: you didn't mention it in the story, but was he actually into another child when you got pregnant? If you two had planned it and then suddenly he lost intesrest, he is to blame of course; otherwise, it is communication again, lack of it rather.

I've read your update but I'm still of the same mind: it doesn't sound great.

FWIW, I don't believe it's your hormones acting up. But I don't care how Victorian this sounds but IMHO when a woman is pregnant she's seeking calmness and serentity for 9 months to concentrate on growing a small human.

Dealing with another persons sulking, "accidental wrist flicks", bickering, and hang ups is NOT what you need. Personally I couldnt forgive the "get rid of it" comment. Don't tell me that's not festered in your mind. He sounds like he's very disengaged from the whole process and you're probably pedalling hard to try and get something - anything - out of him positive re the pregnancy. Your chat sounds like it went ok but actions speak louder than words.

I wonder if you thought having a baby together would make your relationship stronger. I have difficulty believing anyone in their 30s who goes "ooops I forgot to take my Pill". It just smacks of engineering an accident.

That sounds very harsh and for that I'm sorry OP but I just can't help but think you may have brought about a situation which is backfiring. I hope I'm wrong, but to answer your original question i don't think you're wrong to question ending your relationship.

I can relate a bit to him.

The baby will turn both of your worlds upside down, it is an endurance test in many ways. We were blissfully ignorant of how hard the 1st years are when we had DC1 in our early thirties but the prospect of doing that in your mid forties, and knowing what's coming must be quite daunting.

Most of the dads I know did have had a hard job seeing it as entirely "real" until the baby arrives, after all they are not the one carrying the child. Practical things like getting a nursery ready we can do but the 'isn't this or that cute' really isn't commonly a male attribute.

Hey beans - feel like I need to clarify that I have been inheritantly bad at taking the pill all my adult life in the respect of I just don't remember to take it. For the biggest chunk of it I have taken something more reliable but some health issues saw me needing to take the pill again. I knew that wasn't the best option for me but also knew that we had often talked about a baby together in the past so in my eyes the consequences of not taking it were acceptable to me.

I agree- I find it hard to keep myself sane and grounded with this difficult pregnancy without having to deal with him being like he can be (BTW I did tell him he was an ass for bopping me in the eye and not apologising but that quickly escalated into me somewhat resembling a scene from the exorcist)

I'm finding it hard to communicate rationally without being very tearful lately and he finds communication hard at the best of times.

We did have a nice talk yesterday though and a text today to say he booked a surprise for tomorrow so he isn't all bad. As someone said, good people do and say bad things sometimes and I can't fault what kind of father he already is. I just find it hard to not concentrate on bad things he has said.

On a related note, getting an IUD was one of the best decisions of my life. I'm on the copper coil for various reasons (the mirena could didn't agree with me).

It might be worth considering, so you don't end up with any more surprises!

*coil

some health issues saw me needing to take the pill again. I knew that wasn't the best option for me but also knew that we had often talked about a baby together in the past so in my eyes the consequences of not taking it were acceptable to me.

That doesn't constitute an agreement that both of you were up for it though.

Sorry, I hope it's not coming across as hounding. That's not my intention but I stand by my original point.

As for doing something nice later - well, I hope so. You sound like me a few years ago: desperate for any true affection from my then DH, hard pedalling for a profound connection that had gone, being over the moon (and relieved) he even got me a valentines card and a bunch of poxy flowers.

I wish you well, and I mean that. You're pregnant so in an ideal world you should be feeling safe and content, and he should be making that the norm and not the exception. X

Please get a coil fitted if you cn after this baby. He is being a dick, no matter how nice he can occasionally be.

As much as I appreciate people taking the time to comment, my contraception choices, past or future weren't on the table for a topic of conversation. Regardless of the choices that we both made, the fact I'm pregnant isn't going to change despite people feeling the need to question this. The fact that we all know how babies are made is all people really need to know. We had sex and we both had equal responsibility to prevent a pregnancy if that's not what we wanted, so in fact I was being more proactive than he was. The reason for my post was to seek advice from people who had been in a similar situation and to find out whether being disinterested in a pregnancy means disinterested in the baby as in my hormonal cloud, I was finding it hard to distinguish between the two.

I appreciate people feel the need to air the fact they would not have put up with his behaviour long ago but that's the beauty of the human race- we are all different and some can even be a nice man and an occasional dick. It's not always the other way around.

I appreciate people feel the need to air the fact they would not have put up with his behaviour long ago but that's the beauty of the human race- we are all different and some can even be a nice man and an occasional dick. It's not always the other way around.

Don't post a thread titled "Should I end my Relationship?" then?

All the best.

This is all a bit mad - if you are on the pill but not taking it properly then you are not taking responsibility for contraception and not offering him the opportunity to either. I was always a bit rubbish with the pill and my (now) husband and I decided it was best to use condoms until we BOTH agreed to have a baby. But I do of course understand accidents happen etc and yes - it's irrelevant now as you are actually pregnant.

If I was having a baby with someone who didn't show excitement or had told me to 'get rid of it', even if he changed his mind later, I'd almost certainly be single. It shows someone who doesn't think before he speaks, doesn't care about your feelings and someone who put his needs before your own.

I honestly hope it works out as I'd always rather be wrong in situations like this.

I don't think your reactions are hormonal. It sounds like he genuinely did not want another baby.
There's a massive difference between what pp have experienced in their DP not being "into" discussions about baby wallpaper and car seats and the first reaction being to demand an abortion !!!
I'm sorry but it sounds like he's trying now to do "the right thing" by you even though his heart isn't in being a dad for a 3rd time

May I ask if the two DCs share the same mother ?

I do hope when the baby arrives his heart melts and he is 100% the supportive partner you need but pls be prepared that he may not be

I really can ask that question without having tone delve into reasons why I am pregnant and having to defend every situation I made that leads me to where I am now. Tbf I could have replied a bunch of lies and it still doesn't change the fact that I am here, pregnant and confused about whether it's best to end now or hope for the best. I've had some very kind responses and some practical support and advice through my inbox without people questioning things that really are irrelevant and I didn't put on the table to be questioned. So it can be done.

Maybe it was naive of me to expect some sort of solidarity from people who have been in a similar boat either offering support or sharing their experiences, good or bad, but I didn't expect to feel the need to defend my choices until now.

Just because I was on the pill doesn't stop him taking action for himself. Even taking the pill at the same time every day isn't 100% effective. If he was that adamant he would have had a vasectomy!!
I am not going to write about all the time we have spoken about children to balance out the bad things he said because to justify why I am pregnant now isn't what I wanted advice on.

Yes there may be a difference and that was what I was asking. Whether it is something that can be moved past and can he not be resentful of us both or does it negate every decent thing about our relationship. This is my first child so I have nothing to go by in regardless to a man's reactions and feelings. Fwiw, my own step mother said my father wasn't engaged in her pregnancies but he really is the best father ever. My dad is perfect in my eyes.

Yes they do have the same mother.

I'm really sorry I didn't mean to add to your pain at all.i cannot pretend to understand your situation at all but I do think it would make me really sad if I was pregnant and doubting if my partner really wanted the baby
But as you say that's actually irrelevant now. Baby is coming no matter what and will be a blessing. You can't tell now what will happen and how your dp will be when bump becomes baby so perhaps wait it out and give him a chance. He's obviously proven himself as a father twice already
Enjoy your pregnancy . All will be well no matter how it turns out as you'll have your precious baby. and I'm sorry again for upsetting you xoxo

One of my closest friends was in this exact position- older boyfriend who had a teen son. Adamant that he never wanted another child.
My friend got pregnant anyway (not sure if intentional- her partner believes so) but he agreed to stick with her as didn't want to lose her and wanted to see what their baby would look like (no comment).
Fast forward 2 very tough years - every time she shows an ounce of frustration or upset regarding their toddler son she is told "well you wanted this" (don't get me started on that!)
They are only just still together, he has walked out numerous times when he couldn't handle hearing their screaming baby as it was "stressing him out". He feels that as he didn't ask for it, he has a right to up and leave when it suits him, then comes back once he's calmed down.
My friend doesn't regret her son for a second but their relationship is destroyed.
I wish she had left him at the start but I know she never will.
Sorry for a doom and gloom post, it just reminded me of my friend as she asked me the exact same things that you've posted whilst she was pregnant (not that she listened to my advice!)

Expat- you haven't upset me! Please don't think that. I am grateful for people responding to my post- it's the first time I've asked for help myself on here so was a bit naive in not expecting 21 questions and the judgey tone. I felt my choice leading up to my situation were under scrutiny unnecessary. It does make me sad too Expat, but he hasn't been a complete "dick" as soon people have suggested. We lie in bed at night and he strokes my belly and likes feeling his baby kick him! He talks taking the baby to get involved with certain sports one day. He doesn't just talk about the negatives at all in fact he doesnt talk about any negative now. Perhaps is he trying to do "the right thing" but that's the exact question I keep asking myself and don't know what choices to make going forward.

Itsseweasy doom and gloom is fine lol. I'm not saying he hasn't said some bad things but he has been supportive throughout the pregnancy so far. I can for sure see the similarities and I hope that isn't my future, I really do. X