Anyone awake? I'm miserable

[missyB1]

So I'm sleeping downstairs on the settee (except not much sleeping going on). Husband is upstairs fast asleep in our bed. I'm not sure he's even noticed im not there. And that's the issue really I've been feeling invisible in our marriage recently, his behaviour has definitely changed towards me. He can hardly be bothered to speak to me, he has stopped telling me he loves me. We've stopped enjoying each other's company, it's like there's a weird atmosphere and it's all very strained and fake. He still wants to have sex but funnily enough I don't want to have sex with someone who has ignored me all day.
I told him how I felt last night and how worried and upset I am about "us" but he was very dismissive and basically said it was all in my head.

So here I am, on the settee alone and upset

That's a sad and lonely way to feel. I hope he takes it on board and you can have some decent conversations about what you both want and need.

Sadly I think he will continue to avoid the subject and nothing will change.
We didn't used to be like this in fact we were very happy. This is quite recent.

It's easy to get stuck in a rut, how long have you been together? Hope you pull through this I know it can be difficult, distract yourself for tonight and try not to lose too much sleep💐

Why are you on the sofa?
You will have a crap night sleep and feel worse tomorrow x

We've been together ten years and married 8. Last year was stressful I had breast cancer and we moved house. I'm wondering if all of that has contributed.

Turn off your phone and go to bed- nothing will feel better in your current situation. Try to sleep and make a plan tomorrow.

How old are each of you?
What is your relationship history?

Believe me, both are relevant. Not so much as sleeping on the sofa though.

We are both late 40s, met in our late 30s both been married before. We have one ds and adore him. We were almost smug with happiness until cancer struck, and although he was very supportive and loving during that period, since my recovery things just haven't felt right between us. I'm beginning to realise there been an uncomfortable feeling probably since last summer.

You poor thing. There's nothing worse than having anxious thoughts when you can't do anything about it or talk to the person.

It sounds to me like you need to reconnect, go out together and do kind things for each other. We can't possibly know whether you're right (maybe he's being very different) or he's right (maybe it is in your head). Have you had any symptoms of depression and anxiety in recent times? Hormonal fluctuations that can mess with your head?

He needs to also open up more and listen to your concerns but unfortunately not everyone's good at that, especially men..

Spot on wundringnow Time to talk and reconnect to understand how you may have grown differently. Which is OK by the way and not a relationship breaker.

Thank you it's absolutely right that we need to reconnect. I do think I've been very low and my tablets that I take to stop the cancer coming back don't help, I get side effects.

We had a chat this morning, unfortunately he has to go to work but he will be home this afternoon and we are going to chat it over some more. He has reassured me how much he loves me.

Hope it all goes well. Classic communicaton breakdown & it's nice to see that you both recognise it

I can speak from experience that dealing with cancer can substantially change your relationship. When I was going through treatment we pulled together, but when I was in a better place things started to unravel. I wanted to do things, live life etc and he was happy in front of TV. I think once the treatment stopped it may have felt I needed him less, and we were both a bit lost. In my case it is incurable and my counsellor suggested we might have both withdrawn from each other and grieved the loss of future and relationship to save going through the hurt again when it came back.
Last year we almost split, got as far as looking for a house and we tried relate...but seemed to relieve some pressure and things got better. Ironically at the end of the year scans showed cancer active again...so just starting that rollercoaster again.
Bit of a ramble, but just wanted to say not to underestimate what you've been through. Keep talking - get some fun into your life. He may well of been scared of losing you and if it feels like pushing you away then it is to protect himself?

Oh hellhath you are so right I think a lot of this is due to the stress and anxiety we went through . And cancer has changed me I can't deny it, in my case it has damaged my confidence hugely and left me very prone to low moods (could be the Tamoxifen).
I think we need to rediscover fun times together, because I think We've forgotten how to have fun and how to relax in each other's company.

Hope your treatment goes well and you have lots of good support around you, it's such a tough journey, and bloody unfair that you have to go through it again.

Things can get into a downward spiral without even noticing. People rarely snap apart - they drift as one small disconnection by one leads to another from the other. Soon everything is pleasant on the surface but colder underneath. People then become less tolerant, more irritable with each other as the kindness and affection wanes, in a slow barely conscious tit for tat. That's often when MN posters arrive here following a massive argument about small, like the washing up - AIBU - and unload their side of the story. But the unseen slights have cut on both sides.
I think that's what you are starting to perceive OP. And your anxiety will only multiply everything you feel.
So don't underestimate the huge stress that illness, worry and anxiety place on a relationship. You've been through such a lot recently.
So - see if you can reconnect- try not to get defensive or angry, listen as much as you talk, try to start being kind to one another - and maybe set the spira goingl upward again. Good luck x