My dad's in prison and our relationship is over

[SnoresAndSobs]

I've name changed for this as I just wanted to be able to talk about it with complete anomity.

My Dad and I are estranged. For the record, he's a lifelong alcoholic and drug addict. He was an awful parent when I was growing up. Very neglectful and did me a lot of damage. Somehow we got by and managed to continue our relationship, I mainly made every concession and forgave all his fuck ups.

2 years ago a petty argument descended into months of him ignoring me. When we did eventually speak, he'd missed my birthday and I was upset. By chance we spoke the next day and I was so angry and upset and he refused to engage with me. Hung the phone up and ignored me all over again. I text and told him my tolerance had run out, that I wouldn't have a relationship just on his terms and he needed to reasonable and respect me or I'd had enough. I heard nothing back. A long time later he called out of the blue and chattered on like nothing had happened - when I questioned this he hung the phone up again. After that I changed my phone number and refused all contact with him.

In the time that followed I had my first child, my husband was diagnosed with a neurological disease, we moved across the country, bought out first home....a lot has happened and I've been mostly pleased to not have his drama, but sad as I'd lost a parent. Sometimes I'd be consumed by fury and would sit awake at night thinking about how much I hated him,

This week I found that he's been sent to prison. He's been there for some months and has been "cleaning up" "in AA and NA" "turning over a new leaf" "writing lots of letters" (so say his family). It was the letters bit that got me...he has never reached out to me, never tried to make amends. Throughout this whole foul process i guess I was still holding out for him to prove that he loved me.

He doesn't love me, just the idea of me.

This evening I sent him a letter telling him that we're through, that I won't ever see him again and he won't meet my DD. It was calm and considered and the right thing to do but I feel so so so sad. So utterly let down.

I guess I just needed to say that. Well done if you got to the end of such a long post.

I completely understand your decision. However, for your own sake, have you had some specialist input (therapist not counsellor) to come to terms with the situation?

Not in anyway suggesting that it would change the outcome btw"

for being a survivor and standing up for yourself.

Thank you Random

I had several years of psychotherapy ten years ago, this helped me come to terms with a lot of what happened when I was younger. I could totally do with some professional input now though...

I've never considered myself a survivor but it was kind of heartening to read that.

Get yourself back there for some more help! I have to say becoming a parent yourself is a whole new experience on dealing with it IME...

Yes you are a survivor, and you've done marvellously well

Well done for letting go.

This is one of the hardest posts I have read for a long while.

Sometimes we need to understand that if we walk in the vicinity of deep mud we get shitty. And if we walk on high ground we can see the sunrise and sunset everyday.

Sounds like you have taken the high road. Stay on it.

You're very right - looking at my child, I'm baffled as to how he could be so selfish and uncaring. His love always came with so many strings attached, but it took me a long time to realise that and expect better.

I've had a couple of glasses of wine and I'm now praying to the sleep gods that my 13 month DD has a good night and gives me some rest!

Thanks again for responding. Dealing with this stuff can be a lonely thing.

Thank you Tiger