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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Husband walked out, i'm pregnant.

21 replies

missflip · 10/02/2017 15:07

Hey ladies...
I've never posted on these forums before, and don't know what to expect from it but here goes...
I married who I thought was the love of my life in August 2016...yep, six whole months ago! We planned a family and fell pregnant in the first month, which was very unexpected as i'm 39. Anyway, he walked out on me at Christmas. He says he doesn't love me anymore and is never coming back??! I can't quite get my head around that...how do you go from the most perfect day to being told that in a little over four months??! I'm absolutely destroyed, i still cannot believe all of this is happening and i have the added anxieties / stresses of being pregnant on top. At the moment, he has, i think,, blocked my telephone number / emails...i have my 20 week scan on Wed and i have no idea if he intends to come. We had always had arguments during the time we were together (who doesn't right?) but they became cumulative as he would never talk things through until the point one small argument caused him to flip and walk out. I keep hoping he'll coming to his senses and see what he is giving up but am i just going to waste away the days hoping...? Has anyone been through similar? xx

OP posts:

Purplebluebird · 10/02/2017 15:35

That's shocking! I mean, is he not even capable of sorting out divorce with you? He's a cunt, sorry but what the hell does he think he's doing! I have no advice, as I'm not married :(

Niskayuna · 10/02/2017 15:45

" We had always had arguments during the time we were together (who doesn't right?)"

Um... healthier couples. Arguing really isn't a good sign. It should be a rarity, not a habit.

I'm sorry you've gone through this. Start the divorce process and no, under no circumstances, waste any more of your life pining for him to come back. He is not a good man.

Original poster

missflip · 10/02/2017 16:05

Thanks ladies, i know this deep down but it's just so hard...i never thought on my wedding day i'd be here just six months later. We'd had a stressful year...our house flooded in the Dec 2015 floods and we're out of our home for 5 months, it was a really horrible time and i don't think we'd be here now if it wasn't for that. But here we are. No, he says he hasn't thought about divorce, he still wears his wedding ring "to avoid the topic at work" and doesn't want the expense and hassle of it!! That's all it seems to mean to him. I absolutely do not recognise the man at the moment, it's really made me question everything. I wish i was further along in the pregnancy than i am...i can't wait to meet my little one...it just wasn't meant to be this way. Do you think i should allow him at the scan? He goes from not wanting to come / to wanting to, but i have no idea at the moment as I've not heard from him in over a week...

OP posts:

Rubyslippers7780 · 10/02/2017 16:08

How long were you a couple before the wedding? Has he just freaked out at getting pregnant so soon?
This must be horrendous. Do you have family / RL support?

HerOtherHalf · 10/02/2017 16:11

Get on with your life, he's made it clear he is no longer part of it. Even if he changes his mind, you're just setting yourself and your little one up for a future of arguments, upset and everything else that goes with a yo-yo relationship if you take him back. Take control, give yourself some stability and get over him. Just my tuppence worth.

PurpleDaisies · 10/02/2017 16:15

What a nightmare.

I agree, you need to start planning to raise your baby alone. You should get child support from your ex but any involvement beyond that is a bonus (assuming he's going to be reliable and a good dad) and not a given.

I would just give him the information about the scan and if he's there he's there, if not he isn't.

You need to get angrier with him for the way he's treated you.

DownTownAbbey · 10/02/2017 16:18

How is he planning to contribute financially? I take it he's still paying his agreed share of bills? What about child maintenance? I get that having a kid is scary but he's an arse for abandoning you! Begin divorce proceedings. I don't know whether that will focus his mind on what he's losing but it'll help you grab control. You think he's blocked you?!? He can't be relied upon, can he?

ALRM · 10/02/2017 16:22

I'm so sorry this is horrific for you. But as some of the othet ladies have side it's time.to concentrate on you and the baby. Presume you are doing this alone and try to move on. It sounds like he didn't and doesn't know what he wants - but there is not time for that now. Chin up and onwards and upwards. At best you can hope he will one day have a relationship with the child but for now just focus on you.

Hermonie2016 · 10/02/2017 16:32

Does any of his family know? It feels unbelievable that he would do this.

I don't think you can divorce until married a year.

What is the housing situation?

Pantygirdl · 10/02/2017 16:42

Mine did this in early pregnancy, it's devastating. If your midwife service has a councillor linked to it I strongly advise you see them to help you make peace with what has happened. Focus on your baby who will bring so much joy to you. You will be fine. 5 years on I'm so much happier. It gets easier. You will be OK x

Original poster

missflip · 10/02/2017 17:02

The baby was planned. I wonder if he just get swept along with the whole wedding / baby thing...Yeah, there were arguments but really not all the time...anyone who knew us can't believe this has happened. What's he's done and how he keeps driving and driving it is soooo disproportionate to any argument there was before...The house is mine, he moved in with me so I've just resorted to paying the bills etc like i did before...I'm lucky, i have a good job and am fairly well paid (although now i fret about balancing a drop in hours / cost of childcare). I want to get angry and am sure it will come, i go from feeling that way and being accepting of it to just being in absolute disbelief! The man that (seldom!) communicates with me now is a million miles from the one i married. And that's another thing...he's back at home with his folks for now...not one of his family have contacted me to see how i am...God, knows how he has painted me in all of this but you think they'd have dropped me a text to just ask how i am!

OP posts:

Velvian · 10/02/2017 17:09

It's really good that you have a house & well paid job. Do you have family support?

Original poster

missflip · 10/02/2017 17:13

I have my Mum, but she's 72 this year and although i know she'll be there (and wants to be) it's not really what i want for her at her age... I've a large extended family too, aunt's / cousins...The ex-h has a child from a previous marriage and he is a really good dad to her, so here's hoping... but i fret he bonded with her as was there for the pregnancy etc and won't with our little one.

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 10/02/2017 17:17

How long had you been together before you got married?

SandyY2K · 10/02/2017 17:19

I think you have to be married a year before you get divorced.

I wouldn't want to be with a man who did this, because I couldn't trust him not to do it again, even if he came back.

With all the arguments you had, do you really think you should have got married?

So many arguments before marriage, are a concern and I wonder if you ignored the signs and went along with everything.

I know all couples have disagreements, but where was the honeymoon stage in your marriage?

Were you truly happy with him and loved him for who he was?

Out2pasture · 10/02/2017 17:30

Can you make sure you protect your assets.

userformallyknownasuser1475360 · 10/02/2017 17:31

I think this is a case if you are never going to know until he tells you.

There could be a number of reasons for it, feeling overwhelmed or trapped ....another man/woman.....something that he has been planning for a while but thought that it would get better once married or once a baby comes along etc.

At this stage my suggestion would be to just leave it, don't run after him, don't keep calling him, don't make any contact with him, don't make any arrangements, a bit like the old saying if you love something....

This might sound stupid, but pining and trying to get him back may just strengthen his resolve to stay away....no contact may make him realise just what he is going to miss out on.

Take the time with NC to work out exactly what you want....to sort it out by getting back together, staying NC etc etc.

I think if you do get back together you are going to need to sit down together and communicate a lot better- and a third party may be needed to help you with this.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 10/02/2017 17:31

Bastard!!!!!! As others have said he can't ne trusted now can he - even if he comes back he could well just do it again.

Cuppaoftea · 10/02/2017 17:38

I don't think he would have a claim on your house with you being married only 6 months but do seek urgent legal advice if you haven't already.

Chinnygirl · 10/02/2017 17:43

What a dick, walking out on your planned pregnant wife. Start getting angry OP because you soooo don't deserve this. To hell if you don't know if he wants to be at the scan. It's your body and YOU decide. Get a lawyer.

TheNaze73 · 10/02/2017 18:25

What a selfish arse. Your priority must be to get legal advice

Flip