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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair closure

25 replies

Unstablemable · 09/02/2017 20:36

Ok, Flaming expected on this but please try to understand where I am coming from.

Dh works away from home a lot, I'm home alone with 2 kids, married 22 years, kids still young, I'm basically living the life of a single mum midweek, I'm doing absolutely everything with no break.

I got chatting to a married man online, we chatted for a few weeks and felt a connection, swapped pictures and found each other very attractive. Then we met in person and our chemistry was electric. We kissed only but it was the most passion I have had in years. We spent 5 hours during the day chatting, holding hands and kissing.

Then we met again, same thing, we fancy each other so much.

Then dh saw some messages on my phone and I confessed to meeting him. Dh then confessed to have cheated on me the past-.

I told the other man that Dh had found out about us, we decided to call it a day as he didn't want his dw to find out. Usual story, wants to leave but had to wait fir another couple of years fur kids to leave home.

A month later we messaged each other, just a happy new year hope you are ok kind of thing.. I still have feelings for him and I think he does for me.. he said he couldn't believe his luck when he met me. I asked him to keep my number and call me sometime for a coffee, he said he def would.

He has a significant birthday coming up soon and I was thinking of texting him to say happy birthday... hoping we can meet for coffee... but what I really want is to sleep with him....just once, just to get him out of my head. I feel like we missed our opportunity and I know we would have such an amazing time....

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/02/2017 20:39

Yawn

Arealhumanbeing · 09/02/2017 20:39

Just once?

Really honestly definitely just once?

loobyloo1234 · 09/02/2017 20:42

Isn't it about time MN added a sleep smiley?

Dontsayyouloveme · 09/02/2017 20:44

How about focussing in the issues in your marriage first?

Ilovecaindingle · 09/02/2017 20:46

Likely his wife will have something special planned so maybe give him a miss. . Forever. .

Original poster

Unstablemable · 09/02/2017 20:46

Dh and I have started counselling but I can't move forward until I get this other men out of my head

OP posts:

Angleshades · 09/02/2017 20:47

What are you expecting from this thread? Do you need someone to say 'yes go for it and good luck to you?'. This is only going to end one way, a total mess.

Jesuswepthelpmeadvise · 09/02/2017 20:48

Surely messaging him and mooning over him isn't going to get him out of your head is it?
Do you seriously think sleeping with him once is going to give you closure??

Original poster

Unstablemable · 09/02/2017 20:49

I just need someone to shake me and tell me get a bloody grip.... head says no...heart says yes.... god it's all so cliché

OP posts:

Dinnerout1 · 09/02/2017 20:49

Like your cake and eat do you! Absolute nonsense and very selfish.

Usernamewithnodigits · 09/02/2017 20:50

You're doing everything with no break but you also manage to get 5 hours together.

Angleshades · 09/02/2017 20:52

Best to leave him alone. Trust me if you continue the whole situation will totally blow up at some point and it will be much worse than you can imagine. There is nothing worse than the fall out of an affair being discovered, and once it's been discovered and got out, there is no putting it back in the bottle.

Original poster

Unstablemable · 09/02/2017 20:53

Having 5 hours with him was unusual... I got childcare which I can't really afford

OP posts:

Original poster

Unstablemable · 09/02/2017 20:57

Thanks for your advice, I know I need to leave him alone.... Dh cheating on me has hurt me so much that I almost feel as though I have 'the right' to have some extra marital freedom. I live dh and I know we will fix things but this OM is stuck in my head, it's awful that I can't erase him from my brain

OP posts:

scoobydoo1971 · 09/02/2017 20:57

You cannot get Mr Affair out of your mind because you are bored rigid with the day-to-day routine of your everyday routine. So you have fixed your mind on the fantasy of the other man. He is no bargain is he, if trawling the internet looking for ladies while married. You may not be the only woman he connects with. He doesn't want his wife knowing about you (red flag - more dishonesty), he doesn't want to leave his wife for you (red flag - you are fun only). The internet is an open cookie box at a weight watchers meeting to all sorts of strange people who need their ego massaging for one reason or another. If you meet him and sleep with him, you will be one in a long line of conquests for him and may end up feeling used if he ghosts after he got his thrills. He may tell you how special you are now, but that is because he wants a rummage in your knickers. He is telling you he won't leave his wife...I would listen carefully to those words as it tells you he is not walking away from his marriage for you. Even if he did, he would be starting a relationship with you in very dubious circumstances where there are a whole bunch of integrity issues. How could you be sure he wouldn't be on the net years from now trying to hook up with other women?

Buzzardbird · 09/02/2017 20:58

What makes you think that once will be enough? I'm genuinely curious how you think that sleeping with him won't make you more obsessed with him?

Usernamewithnodigits · 09/02/2017 21:08

Something's not ringing right.

Your DH saw messages then confessed to cheating on you in the past AND he has hurt you so much with this.

But now you're doing the same it's ok?

If you can get occasional childcare for time with OM I suggest you get occasional childcare for validating your own self worth in some other way.

Original poster

Unstablemable · 09/02/2017 21:11

I know, it's the usual red flags on his part but I'm not expecting him to leave his wife, I don't want to leave dh.

I don't know if sleeping with him will give me closure, would I be more hurt if he gets what he wants and then it's bye bye? At least then I would know what great sex is like instead of resigning myself to a life of boring sex. Btw I know OM would know what he is doing in bed as we have had a bit of a fumble with each other and I orgasmed which I have never in my life done through touch alone by a man

OP posts:

EminemTickets · 09/02/2017 21:30

but please try to understand where I am coming from

no one with a conscience would try to justify what you've done or what you want

he said he couldn't believe his luck when he met me

yes I'll bet, he saw you coming a mile off if he can go NC for a month and you're still up for it like a lovestruck teenager

would I be more hurt if he gets what he wants and then it's bye bye?

yes you'll feel very used and it's really not worth it just to know 'what real sex' is like

he's already warned you he's not gonna leave his wife so you'll just end up another notch on the bedpost. no wonder he couldn't believe his luck when he met you

Usernamewithnodigits · 09/02/2017 21:42

Do you know what 'but' means?

It means 'ignore what's been said immediately before that word'.

You're all as bad as each other.

QuiteLikely5 · 09/02/2017 21:47

thst way madness lies. By all means leave your dh if you aren't happy otherwise don't do anything at all

harderandharder2breathe · 09/02/2017 21:51

He has to wait for his kids to leave home before he would leave his wife?! Sounds like real catch

By all means end your marriage if you're not happy

But affairs are wrong whether you're married or he is or both. It's exciting because it's new and a guilty pleasure. But think about the kind of man he is. Not a good one.

HappyJanuary · 09/02/2017 22:04

Have you thought of his wife at all? Lying next to him at night, loving him, maybe sad because she detects his distraction, confused and wondering what she's doing wrong.

Does she deserve the way he's treating her? Why would you want to help a cruel man betray his innocent wife?

If he has children, their shitbag dad is spending time meeting you, messaging you, thinking about you when he could be with them. Yes, he sounds like a great dad and a real prince.

I think it's time to decide what sort of person you want to be, and what sort of marriage you want and whether you want to pollute all of that by pursuing this tediously predictable scumbag.

Original poster

Unstablemable · 09/02/2017 22:21

Happy January, you are right. I need to focus my energy and love towards my own dh, I'm just hurt at his actions and yes mine have not been much better. It's all just a bit sad. Like I've lost two men not just one :-(

OP posts:

bowtieandheels · 09/02/2017 23:34

I do understand you feeling like you want to go out and sleep with someone after hearing your OH has cheated, I did the same thing and thought that somehow once I'd got it out of my system we could work on our relationship and get back on track...how wrong i was! I told myself I'd just do it once but it opened up a whole can of worms....I just couldn't go back to the boring sex. I would say if you want to save your marriage don't sleep with anyone else.

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