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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating and thoughts about the other woman.

4 replies

BrokenBlackSoul · 09/02/2017 18:10

So this is what I'm struggling with.

Ex and I are trying to work through things after he cheated but obviously... naturally maybe... I have these thoughts of all the things i did with the ex and would like to do. Then the ... 'oh he did that with her too' and I bet he did Y with her and of course he enjoyed it.. Pop up.

How do you deal with them?
Do they go away? It feels like they won't and this is what's going to happen if we get back together and ruin any healing we do.
Is this a bad sign?

Help 😞

OP posts:
HappyJanuary · 09/02/2017 18:16

I spent a long time trying to work through it with xh before realising that I would have to spend the rest of my life thinking those thoughts.

I couldn't do it, but many do and I hope someone will be along with more experience.

What is he doing to reassure you? Have you tried counselling?

Original poster
BrokenBlackSoul · 09/02/2017 18:18

I am in counselling. Yes. Currently taking a much needed 2 week break to process a few things.

He's been honest and factual when I've asked questions but reassurance? Not so much 😞

OP posts:
HappyJanuary · 10/02/2017 16:22

Is he in counselling too?

Keep going with your sessions because I think they will prove useful whatever you decide to do.

But IME it is a bad sign if the cheat isn't doing everything in his power to reassure the betrayed partner.

He should be showing genuine remorse (and not just for being found out, or for potentially losing his whole life!), a willingness to do anything and everything you need from him to heal and rebuild trust, and signs that he understands how and why he felt the need to cheat.

Without all of that, in rl and on here, reconciliation is unlikely to work. Either he will cheat again, or you will give up trying to build bridges with someone who isn't doing enough to build them with you.

Dontsayyouloveme · 10/02/2017 21:19

I've had a year of those thoughts every day, not helped by the fact I have to see 'it' as we all work in same office! Nice.... Angry I've called time on the marriage now as I cannot and will not spend the rest if my life haunted by those images and thoughts, on a daily basis. I deserve peace of mind and a new start! Thoughts to you, it really is an awful situation to be put in Flowers

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