Unwanted feelings

[Ariya]

Hi all,

Long time lurker, it's the best site for advice so I hope I can get some too.

I'm married 7months, had a hard time before I got married, wasn't too sure if I could go through it. We went to councilling and worked it all out about 2months beforehand and thankfully we got married.

I was on top of the world and so glad I got through the toughest time of my life and didn't loose everything.

There were a few reasons for my seriously cold feet, we were in a bit of a rut but one of them was that I caught feelings for a friend.

These feelings come and go for him still but it is like it is haunting me. Weeks go by where I feel like I'm over the feelings and can be a friend to him and then, BANG, I start to go back there. It kills me sometimes and the guilt I feel for having feelings for someone else is hard to face and of course I can't tell my husband about it.

What makes it worse is that I know at some point the feelings were mutual. That has left a 'what if' feeling and I never got closure so I think that's why it makes me feel this way.

We are in a bit of a rut again and it terrifies me. I don't want to ever say that I was wrong not to go with my gut and postpone the wedding.

Any advice from someone who has been through similar?

Thanks guys

Can you imagine your life without your now DH? Is it worth going back to counselling or do you really want to leave for the opportunity to be with someone else or would you regret it?

That's the thing, it came down to him nearly leaving me before the wedding, we talked for days and days and nearly broke up. It hit me like a ton of bricks when he said we were done. So we talked more and I realised how shit my life would be without him. I made the decision there and then that I didn't wanna loose him. Straight after that it was full speed into all the last minute wedding stuff. So it was put deep to the back of my head.

We are good together, it's just I think he takes me for granted a bit and has done a few things to make me worry lately, one being making a huge financial decision without consulting me and the other being horrible to my friends and then to me in front of my friends on a night out. Sometimes I think he isn't over the hurt I caused before we got married. I carry it with me all the time, in disbelief that it happened. If we broke up, I would say I would regret it but you never know do you.

That's what I'm struggling with, all this what ifs! If me and DP had of broken up, I would of been on my own to 'find myself'. I wouldn't have been interested in anyone else.

So I was very upset about that and I think it's made me go backwards a bit. Thinking about going to councilling by myself, I went to two sessions last year when all that happened before we went together. My family were great and supported me so much when I told them about my worries before getting married but I don't wanna burden anyone with it ever again, it was too hard and as they all said, make the decision now but whatever you do you have to stick with it.

I would never leave him on the basis of someone else, he is my best friend. There is no opportunity for anything to happen with my friend.

We are both with other people, if we had of met when we were single, maybe but even saying that makes me feel bad. It's not ok to think that.I have to see this guy everyday so it is a constant reminder that I had those feelings for him that sometimes come fleeting back.

You shouldn't have gotten married! Before you have kids or commit to each other any further, think really carefully whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him. He may be your friend etc but you shouldn't be feeling like you are as a newlywed.

And you absolutely don't have to stick with the decision you made!

Thanks for the advice, but just to clarify he is my best friend and I think that is important part in a marraige.
I love him, it's just been quite hard for us, rough patch at the worst time possible. Marrying him felt so right, I just think I'm finding it hard to believe we nearly didn't and that after being together so long, I developed a stupid, stupid crush.

We are together 9 years.
Everyone says that about newlyweds, is it really true that everyone is on top of the world at all times during in the first year after marriage?

Well you are not going to be in the honeymoon phase for 9 years so I agree with you there. It depends how happy you are. I think being attracted to someone is not by itself the right basis for a relationship.

you say your DH is your best friend, if I understand correctly, and that he called it off because you told him about a crush on someone else (who wasn't available?)

well you are already "lying" to your best friend DH because you know he wouldn't be so understanding a second time around, and he is showing signs of resentment and treating badly in front of friends (who may also know about cold feet?)

it sounds like if you could have been with the other guy you would have

sorry OP but this is the script of a ( not very good ) rom-com. You really ought to grow some balls

No I didn't tell him about the crush, we were going through some problems and I think the crush was a symptom of me worried about our future and other issues we were having.

He didn't call it off, I told him I wasn't sure if I could go through with the wedding, which required a lot of balls by the way so I don't think I need to grow more.We worked through these problems for 2 months. We gave each other some space, went to councilling and then talked it all out. He was beginning to say we were breaking up as I was so confused and when he said that it was like a realisation for me and I didn't look back then.

However my whole point of the thread is that I am still struggling with what happened.

I'm not necessarily lying to him but I don't see what good would come of telling him of the feelings I had for the other guy. I'm human and connected with someone else, someone who was already a friend, during a very hard time for me. I was very vulnerable. I did not act on these feelings and was so upset by them so to say that I would have been with him if I could have been is unfair. I could never cheat. However I won't lie, I can see how these things can happen.

I'm an over thinker and that doesn't help.

You love someone else and it's likely that has contributed to you and your dh having issues.
Life is too short. If you had met 'the one' your lingering feelings for the other guy would have disappeared. Unfortunately for both of you, your husband is not the one.

From your posts, it sounds like you were more afraid of being alone than that you consciously decided that your OH was the one. As you say he is your best friend, were you perhaps concerned that, by not marrying him, you would lose his friendship as well? Maybe you could work well as friends but the love isn't there? It sounds like you didn't explore this fully enough before getting married.

Hi Ariya. I completely understand how you feel but for different reasons. I had the chance to start a relationship with someone recently, but as a result of a mix up on both our parts (I was totally smitten but thought he just wanted to be friends, and he was of the same view about me) it never happened. We spent a lot of time together in the same city working last month, but have both now returned home (I am in the UK and he is in Ireland). I only found out he felt this way when he emailed to say hi and I told him that I was gutted he only wanted to be only friends and that the only way I would be able to get him out of my head was to stay out of contact. We’ve apologised to each other by over the mix up, and he said “don’t worry, these things happen”. He’s made no further move other than a couple of hello emails, so I’m guessing he has lost interest and moved on.

Just like you, some days I think I’m over things and then it just hits me like a brick. I can’t help feeling very very sad about “what if” and what could have been between us. We’re both single and I think we could have made each other happy. Dwelling on things does not help – I’m just trying to keep myself busy with things and trying not to think about it My friends are telling me my feelings will fade over time. I’m sure they’re right although at the moment it doesn’t feel that way. I agree it is hard sometimes but you should concentrate on your DH. Jxx

arsenaltilidie;

Just to clarify, are you saying that because these feelings haven't disappeared, it means I love the other guy? I'm a bit taken aback by that.

Whathappensnowthen ;

I don't think I was afraid to be alone, during my near breakdown before the wedding, at my worst, I was thinking of being free from all of it and being on my own so that I didn't have to make the decision about the wedding, I cried everyday for over a month so I don't think it was that.

My didn't want to loose my DP, everything was perfect until I started to get the jitters and I guess I won't lie, it was when I found out that there was a mutual attraction with the other guy, I was shell shocked and couldn't think straight.

I then realised Everytime I was crying, it was over my DP, I didn't wanna loose him. He was amazing though this time, most men I think would have left. He said it was the wedding or a break up, no unbetween, which killed me.
I once asked him if we weren't getting married and we were going through this what would have happened and he said that we would have called it a day.

That really upset me as I thought it sounded like because everything was paid for etc, that was one of th main reasons we did it. I don't think this is true but it really freaked me out that he said it.

Jayne1234;

I really feel for you as there is no reason you guys can't be together only that both of you sounded to scared to ruin the friendship.

This is one thing that I don't understand, can you really be friends with someone who you once had or still kind of have a soft spot for? There is an awkwardness in the air with me and my friend sometimes which is really uncomfortable.

All I want to do is to go back to before all of this happened, literally feel like it has changed me and not for the better.